them.”
“Huh?”
“I know you had a threesome.”
“But what does 699 represent? What’s the second 9 doing?”
“The numbers don’t matter. What matters is that you’ve been unfaithful. You’ve used my impotence and my lack of interest in trying to fix the problem as an excuse to go out and seek your own sexual gratification. Slut!”
“Did you kill any of them?” I asked.
“How many of them spanked you?” Greg demanded. “Did you use the p-word in your bedroom talk? Because you rarely use it with me!”
“I don’t remember.”
“Is that so? One of the filthiest words in the English language and you don’t remember if you used it? How is that possible? Oh, you get all high and mighty when you accuse me of slaughtering people, but I’m supposed to just sit back and watch you—?”
I interrupted him. “I didn’t say you were slaughtering people.”
“You did so! That’s why my mood is so poor!”
“I said killing people, not slaughtering them.” I looked at Greg in horror. “Are you slaughtering them?”
“No!”
“Are you sure?”
“No! I mean, yes! Stop trying to twist my words! This isn’t about the people I’ve slaughtered; it’s about the people you’ve screwed! And don’t think I don’t know about the women! Obviously you didn’t screw them, but you’ve done things with them! You’ve done things with your fingers, and tongue, and, yes, I even know about the elbow!”
“How do you know about the elbow?” I asked.
“The subject line of the e-mail was ‘Luv Your Elbow.’”
“Oh, that’s right. Have you been killing my lovers?”
“Stop trying to change the subject away from your lovers!”
“I’m not! We’re still on-topic, but I damn well need to know if you’ve been killing them!”
“Why?”
“What do you mean, why?”
“Why do you need to know? What purpose will it serve? Will you warn them? Will you ask me to stop?”
“Yes!”
“I asked you four questions. I’m not sure which one you’re answering.”
“The last and the second-to-last ones.”
“I don’t remember what they were,” said Greg. “I’m sorry—I’m getting kind of worked up over this.” He began to cry.
“Are you crying?” I asked.
“No.”
“Yes, you are.”
“Well, wouldn’t you cry if you’d committed several acts of cold-blooded murder? I chopped off their heads! All of them had heads and now they don’t! I touched a rib bone! I know what a spleen looks like! I tried to rip out a heart but it wouldn’t come out! I know how a neck looks when there’s no skin on it! I’m a monster, Felicia! A monster!”
Now I was crying, too. “But why?”
“Because I’m killing people! Haven’t you been listening?”
“I wasn’t asking why you think you’re a monster. I was asking why you’re killing people. Is it for revenge?”
“That’s a fringe benefit, yes.”
“But also…?”
“But also, this scary face appeared on the floor of Carlton’s basement, and it gave us gold coins in exchange for feeding it severed heads, and we figured that if we had to kill people, it might as well be people who are cuckolding me, so I’m a monster!”
“Oh my God,” I said. I would have fallen into my chair if I hadn’t already been sitting.
“Do you believe me?” Greg asked.
“Yes.”
“Seriously? I just told you about a severed-head-eating face on Carlton’s basement floor.”
“I believe you.”
“I would’ve held on to doubt for a while longer, but whatever.” Greg dabbed at the corners of his eyes with his napkin and then blew his nose into it. “Anyway, that’s why I had blood behind my ears.”
“Are you planning to kill more people?”
Greg shrugged. “Yeah, I think so. Not necessarily the entire list of your men, but a few more, at least.”
“Please don’t.”
“Maybe you should have thought of that before you cheated on me.”
“I should have thought of a carnivorous basement face?”
“Even without the face, I
“Huh?”
“I know you had a threesome.”
“But what does 699 represent? What’s the second 9 doing?”
“The numbers don’t matter. What matters is that you’ve been unfaithful. You’ve used my impotence and my lack of interest in trying to fix the problem as an excuse to go out and seek your own sexual gratification. Slut!”
“Did you kill any of them?” I asked.
“How many of them spanked you?” Greg demanded. “Did you use the p-word in your bedroom talk? Because you rarely use it with me!”
“I don’t remember.”
“Is that so? One of the filthiest words in the English language and you don’t remember if you used it? How is that possible? Oh, you get all high and mighty when you accuse me of slaughtering people, but I’m supposed to just sit back and watch you—?”
I interrupted him. “I didn’t say you were slaughtering people.”
“You did so! That’s why my mood is so poor!”
“I said killing people, not slaughtering them.” I looked at Greg in horror. “Are you slaughtering them?”
“No!”
“Are you sure?”
“No! I mean, yes! Stop trying to twist my words! This isn’t about the people I’ve slaughtered; it’s about the people you’ve screwed! And don’t think I don’t know about the women! Obviously you didn’t screw them, but you’ve done things with them! You’ve done things with your fingers, and tongue, and, yes, I even know about the elbow!”
“How do you know about the elbow?” I asked.
“The subject line of the e-mail was ‘Luv Your Elbow.’”
“Oh, that’s right. Have you been killing my lovers?”
“Stop trying to change the subject away from your lovers!”
“I’m not! We’re still on-topic, but I damn well need to know if you’ve been killing them!”
“Why?”
“What do you mean, why?”
“Why do you need to know? What purpose will it serve? Will you warn them? Will you ask me to stop?”
“Yes!”
“I asked you four questions. I’m not sure which one you’re answering.”
“The last and the second-to-last ones.”
“I don’t remember what they were,” said Greg. “I’m sorry—I’m getting kind of worked up over this.” He began to cry.
“Are you crying?” I asked.
“No.”
“Yes, you are.”
“Well, wouldn’t you cry if you’d committed several acts of cold-blooded murder? I chopped off their heads! All of them had heads and now they don’t! I touched a rib bone! I know what a spleen looks like! I tried to rip out a heart but it wouldn’t come out! I know how a neck looks when there’s no skin on it! I’m a monster, Felicia! A monster!”
Now I was crying, too. “But why?”
“Because I’m killing people! Haven’t you been listening?”
“I wasn’t asking why you think you’re a monster. I was asking why you’re killing people. Is it for revenge?”
“That’s a fringe benefit, yes.”
“But also…?”
“But also, this scary face appeared on the floor of Carlton’s basement, and it gave us gold coins in exchange for feeding it severed heads, and we figured that if we had to kill people, it might as well be people who are cuckolding me, so I’m a monster!”
“Oh my God,” I said. I would have fallen into my chair if I hadn’t already been sitting.
“Do you believe me?” Greg asked.
“Yes.”
“Seriously? I just told you about a severed-head-eating face on Carlton’s basement floor.”
“I believe you.”
“I would’ve held on to doubt for a while longer, but whatever.” Greg dabbed at the corners of his eyes with his napkin and then blew his nose into it. “Anyway, that’s why I had blood behind my ears.”
“Are you planning to kill more people?”
Greg shrugged. “Yeah, I think so. Not necessarily the entire list of your men, but a few more, at least.”
“Please don’t.”
“Maybe you should have thought of that before you cheated on me.”
“I should have thought of a carnivorous basement face?”
“Even without the face, I