with the rag and her hand, her fingers. She held my chin, cupped my
jaw. And I had never in my life felt anything so sweet. I submitted. And she
never stopped looking at me, until she swayed a little and I realized she’d
been on her feet too long, and I took her little arms in my big dirty hands and
I stood a bit hunched and turned her so she could sit beside me on my miserable
bed.
And that’s how we
were, side-by-side just looking at each other when she took one of my hands and
used that rag to start cleaning them off, dabbing over my knuckles. My hands
were hard and rough, with dirt tamped down and nails bitten off. They were me.
She cleaned one,
and her touch there I could not describe for she had taken my weapons of war
and turned them into submissive, limp puppies.
She was cleaning
the other, her head bent over it like she was shining shoes she was so intent
when Johnny came in, sent by my ma. So Johnny and I got on either side of the
missus and slowly walked her back to the house. Jimmy was on the porch, and
Allie was fussing over him, my pa and the boys sitting with him. William was on
the steps, smoking that pipe he loved. Him and I
looked at each other, and he hopped off to let us pass with the missus, and I
took her in the house where my ma tended the baby.
We led her into
Allie’s room, and I helped her sit on the bed, and Ma came in. She handed
Missus the baby, and the woman looked up at me and said, “Tom…you should call
me Addie.”
“I will,” I said.
Then I looked at Ma, and she led me out, but truth be told, I didn’t want to
go.
“Tom,” Ma said
low. “I hope to never see such a thing as I witnessed in my yard today.” She
was silent then as Johnny passed by, looking guilty at us.
I nodded. “I
meant no disrespect, Ma. But I’m a man now, and….”
“Hold your
tongue. Yes, you are a man. But what kind of man loses his temper that way? We
have a young one watching. And Jimmy is as good as a brother to you. Have you
seen him? Have you looked at your handiwork?” Her face had not shown such
displeasure to me since I was a lad.
“He had it
coming,” I said. “I’m sorry it happened where you could see it.”
“Did you not
think of the violence that young one has already seen? Did you not think how
that happened at his home, in his yard, just as this happened here? Jimmy
should arrest you. That’s what I think.”
She turned from
me then, her chin had been quivering. If she only knew the
truth. If she only knew what I was really capable of, how far I could go, did go. “Ma,” I said, “ if you
want me to go, I will. I’m not the little lad you sent off to war. I’ve got my
own ideas.”
She shook her
head and kept her back to me as she tended her cook-pot.
I went on the
porch then. Allie was the first to look at me, and her eyes held a new fear. I
went to Jimmy then. I looked at my handiwork. He was busted up some. He’d been
here before, though not so much by my hand. We’d had our tussles, but this was
more.
He looked up at
me. Allie pulled back and sat on the upturned bucket at his feet. I knew she
fancied him, but he’d always behaved like a big brother. But I’d beaten him
before the missus, and the family. I’d shamed him and taken the shine off his
badge, and standing here I felt like shit.
But he got me
good when my guard was down. “You’re in love with that woman,” he said to me
around grounded lips, and with one big purple eye.
They were all
looking at me. I knew my face flamed red.
I got stuck there
in embarrassment, but also because I never heard such a thing. Love was
something I knew from my family, and that was it. I never took it further,
never wanted to, never knew how.
It wasn’t love. It
was admiration, but I couldn’t voice such a private thing. And part of me
wanted to pound him all over again for putting me in this trench of shame.
I took a deep
breath. I didn’t want to push my luck, but if God could see fit to give me some
more
jaw. And I had never in my life felt anything so sweet. I submitted. And she
never stopped looking at me, until she swayed a little and I realized she’d
been on her feet too long, and I took her little arms in my big dirty hands and
I stood a bit hunched and turned her so she could sit beside me on my miserable
bed.
And that’s how we
were, side-by-side just looking at each other when she took one of my hands and
used that rag to start cleaning them off, dabbing over my knuckles. My hands
were hard and rough, with dirt tamped down and nails bitten off. They were me.
She cleaned one,
and her touch there I could not describe for she had taken my weapons of war
and turned them into submissive, limp puppies.
She was cleaning
the other, her head bent over it like she was shining shoes she was so intent
when Johnny came in, sent by my ma. So Johnny and I got on either side of the
missus and slowly walked her back to the house. Jimmy was on the porch, and
Allie was fussing over him, my pa and the boys sitting with him. William was on
the steps, smoking that pipe he loved. Him and I
looked at each other, and he hopped off to let us pass with the missus, and I
took her in the house where my ma tended the baby.
We led her into
Allie’s room, and I helped her sit on the bed, and Ma came in. She handed
Missus the baby, and the woman looked up at me and said, “Tom…you should call
me Addie.”
“I will,” I said.
Then I looked at Ma, and she led me out, but truth be told, I didn’t want to
go.
“Tom,” Ma said
low. “I hope to never see such a thing as I witnessed in my yard today.” She
was silent then as Johnny passed by, looking guilty at us.
I nodded. “I
meant no disrespect, Ma. But I’m a man now, and….”
“Hold your
tongue. Yes, you are a man. But what kind of man loses his temper that way? We
have a young one watching. And Jimmy is as good as a brother to you. Have you
seen him? Have you looked at your handiwork?” Her face had not shown such
displeasure to me since I was a lad.
“He had it
coming,” I said. “I’m sorry it happened where you could see it.”
“Did you not
think of the violence that young one has already seen? Did you not think how
that happened at his home, in his yard, just as this happened here? Jimmy
should arrest you. That’s what I think.”
She turned from
me then, her chin had been quivering. If she only knew the
truth. If she only knew what I was really capable of, how far I could go, did go. “Ma,” I said, “ if you
want me to go, I will. I’m not the little lad you sent off to war. I’ve got my
own ideas.”
She shook her
head and kept her back to me as she tended her cook-pot.
I went on the
porch then. Allie was the first to look at me, and her eyes held a new fear. I
went to Jimmy then. I looked at my handiwork. He was busted up some. He’d been
here before, though not so much by my hand. We’d had our tussles, but this was
more.
He looked up at
me. Allie pulled back and sat on the upturned bucket at his feet. I knew she
fancied him, but he’d always behaved like a big brother. But I’d beaten him
before the missus, and the family. I’d shamed him and taken the shine off his
badge, and standing here I felt like shit.
But he got me
good when my guard was down. “You’re in love with that woman,” he said to me
around grounded lips, and with one big purple eye.
They were all
looking at me. I knew my face flamed red.
I got stuck there
in embarrassment, but also because I never heard such a thing. Love was
something I knew from my family, and that was it. I never took it further,
never wanted to, never knew how.
It wasn’t love. It
was admiration, but I couldn’t voice such a private thing. And part of me
wanted to pound him all over again for putting me in this trench of shame.
I took a deep
breath. I didn’t want to push my luck, but if God could see fit to give me some
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