tiny tank top and it clings to every one of her curves. She smiles, catching me checking her out.
"Ah, so this is what it feels like to be you," she says.
"It is."
"This is so weird. I can't even remember the last time I did a video chat." Her voice is slightly slurred, like she's had a few drinks.
"I'm not sure that I ever have."
"Like you didn't have some college girlfriend who begged to see you naked over break," she says.
I shake my head. "You're the only girl I'd ever get naked on camera for."
She blushes and bites her lip. "I really, um, enjoyed that um... video you sent me."
"Enjoyed, huh?"
She giggles. "I did enjoy it."
"How are you, Ally? We've barely talked all week."
"I'm busy."
"Well, how was dinner?"
"You know. It was dinner. It was nothing." She contorts her face in a look of distaste.
"Tell me anyway."
"Why? It's boring."
"It's not boring if it's about you," I say. "Did something happen?"
"A dozen people from the production went out to dinner. And we had drinks. Ellen and Nicholas claim it's a tradition. To get drunk before the first day of previews."
"And?"
"I had a few drinks."
"What did you eat?"
She throws me a side eye. "This again?"
"Humor me."
"I don't know. I ate food. Some kind of salad. It was very healthy and wholesome and exactly what I should be eating. Are we done with this area of conversation?"
She's always resistant to talking about her recovery, but this is something else. Something more. "Ally, what's up? You're defensive."
"You always think I'm defensive."
"Talk to me. I want to hear it."
"There's nothing to say. I've been busy. I've been less than perfect about my recovery work. But it's fine. It's not a big deal that I've been skipping lunch."
My stomach drops. Alyssa is skipping meals.
She clears her throat, and I bring my gaze back to the little image of her on-screen. "It's really not a big deal," she says. "I've been too nervous to eat during rehearsals. So I have some coffee and that's that."
"You're too nervous to eat but coffee is fine?"
"Luke, it's not a big deal."
"It sounds like a big deal."
"You pushed me to move here," she says. "You pushed this on me. Don't be a fucking pussy about it now."
"Ally..."
She folds her arms. "Sorry. I didn't mean it like that. It's just... I'm trying to handle this the best I can, okay?"
"Why do you have to handle it on your own? Why can't you talk to me about it?"
"I don't know..."
"Tell me what you're feeling. Please. I want to help."
"You'll get scared and run away." Her eyes turn towards the floor. What must be the white sheets spread over the bed.
"Why do you think that?"
"Because you will."
I fight a sigh, racking my brain to figure out some way I can convince her I'm not going anywhere.
"Have I ever gotten scared and run away?" I ask.
"No..." She shrinks further into herself. This is only going to put her further on the defensive.
"You don't have to talk to me, but I'd really appreciate it if you did."
"But it's too ugly. It's too much."
"Not for me," I say. "There's no part of you that's too ugly for me. I don't care how deeply you repress things, how ugly you think they are. You're wrong. I love you, every part of you, even the ones that hurt, even the ones that you hide from me."
"You have no idea..."
"But I want to have an idea. I want to know everything about you."
She takes a deep breath, her chest rising dramatically. "You'll think less of me."
"I won't."
"How do you know?"
"Because you're everything to me, Ally. You're the honey in my tea."
"You drink your tea black."
"And it's okay like that, but it's better with honey. My life is so much better, so much sweeter when you're around."
Her gaze turns towards the camera, towards me. "That's cheesy."
"I know."
She presses her lips together and nods. "Okay. But I don't know where to start."
"Why did you really skip lunch?"
"It was an accident the first time. I was too busy. But then I liked it. It felt familiar. Comfortable." She
"Ah, so this is what it feels like to be you," she says.
"It is."
"This is so weird. I can't even remember the last time I did a video chat." Her voice is slightly slurred, like she's had a few drinks.
"I'm not sure that I ever have."
"Like you didn't have some college girlfriend who begged to see you naked over break," she says.
I shake my head. "You're the only girl I'd ever get naked on camera for."
She blushes and bites her lip. "I really, um, enjoyed that um... video you sent me."
"Enjoyed, huh?"
She giggles. "I did enjoy it."
"How are you, Ally? We've barely talked all week."
"I'm busy."
"Well, how was dinner?"
"You know. It was dinner. It was nothing." She contorts her face in a look of distaste.
"Tell me anyway."
"Why? It's boring."
"It's not boring if it's about you," I say. "Did something happen?"
"A dozen people from the production went out to dinner. And we had drinks. Ellen and Nicholas claim it's a tradition. To get drunk before the first day of previews."
"And?"
"I had a few drinks."
"What did you eat?"
She throws me a side eye. "This again?"
"Humor me."
"I don't know. I ate food. Some kind of salad. It was very healthy and wholesome and exactly what I should be eating. Are we done with this area of conversation?"
She's always resistant to talking about her recovery, but this is something else. Something more. "Ally, what's up? You're defensive."
"You always think I'm defensive."
"Talk to me. I want to hear it."
"There's nothing to say. I've been busy. I've been less than perfect about my recovery work. But it's fine. It's not a big deal that I've been skipping lunch."
My stomach drops. Alyssa is skipping meals.
She clears her throat, and I bring my gaze back to the little image of her on-screen. "It's really not a big deal," she says. "I've been too nervous to eat during rehearsals. So I have some coffee and that's that."
"You're too nervous to eat but coffee is fine?"
"Luke, it's not a big deal."
"It sounds like a big deal."
"You pushed me to move here," she says. "You pushed this on me. Don't be a fucking pussy about it now."
"Ally..."
She folds her arms. "Sorry. I didn't mean it like that. It's just... I'm trying to handle this the best I can, okay?"
"Why do you have to handle it on your own? Why can't you talk to me about it?"
"I don't know..."
"Tell me what you're feeling. Please. I want to help."
"You'll get scared and run away." Her eyes turn towards the floor. What must be the white sheets spread over the bed.
"Why do you think that?"
"Because you will."
I fight a sigh, racking my brain to figure out some way I can convince her I'm not going anywhere.
"Have I ever gotten scared and run away?" I ask.
"No..." She shrinks further into herself. This is only going to put her further on the defensive.
"You don't have to talk to me, but I'd really appreciate it if you did."
"But it's too ugly. It's too much."
"Not for me," I say. "There's no part of you that's too ugly for me. I don't care how deeply you repress things, how ugly you think they are. You're wrong. I love you, every part of you, even the ones that hurt, even the ones that you hide from me."
"You have no idea..."
"But I want to have an idea. I want to know everything about you."
She takes a deep breath, her chest rising dramatically. "You'll think less of me."
"I won't."
"How do you know?"
"Because you're everything to me, Ally. You're the honey in my tea."
"You drink your tea black."
"And it's okay like that, but it's better with honey. My life is so much better, so much sweeter when you're around."
Her gaze turns towards the camera, towards me. "That's cheesy."
"I know."
She presses her lips together and nods. "Okay. But I don't know where to start."
"Why did you really skip lunch?"
"It was an accident the first time. I was too busy. But then I liked it. It felt familiar. Comfortable." She
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