Finding North

Finding North by Carmen Jenner Page B

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Authors: Carmen Jenner
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date.”
    “Josh, I run a bar full-time. A bar I never leave unless it’s for a quick fuck or to go get extra stock in an emergency. I also take care of my dad.” He raises an eyebrow, because he’s met my dad. “Okay, so Dad’s the one who reminds me to eat, but I don’t have time to ‘date’ and even if I did, it’s not like I’m met with an abundance of willing participants.”
    “Well not in this shithole town, no. But do you ever think about moving? Sell the bar; it’s too much and you’re too fucking young to have that kind of noose around your neck. Go explore. Travel overseas—hell, even moving to Newcastle would be better than staying here.”
    I nod in agitation because I’ve heard all this before. “Would you leave it, please?”
    “No. I won’t. Look this is fun; we have fun. Can I see myself winding up with you long-term? Not a chance in hell.”
    “Then it’s a good thing I’m not asking for your hand in civil union,” I spit out.
    “Man, you gotta get rid of this chip on your shoulder. Yes, society sucks. We should be able to love who-the-fuck-ever we please; we should be able to walk hand in hand down the street and not give two shits about what everyone thinks of us, but sometimes you find yourself stuck in a place with nothing but bigots and instead of waving your rainbow flag or wearing it with pride, you use it as a weapon to provoke the beast. You’re too caught up in this shit, Will. Forget about the town. Forget the pub. Forget about your responsibilities and what your dad needs from you—what do you need?”
    I knew the answer to that question without even having to think about it. I need North, and like Josh had said, I’m not going to get him. I wasn’t fooled by his sudden coming around. The North I know can change direction at any point. He leaves you breathless, seeking, wondering which is up from down, east from west, and the worst part is you have no idea whether you love or hate the fact that he can turn your world upside-down with a mere look.
    North is heartbreak. North is a headfuck. North had been my whole world. He was no good for me then, and he’s still no good for me. I know that, and yet I’ve never wanted anything more.

    Josh left sometime during my overly long shower. I may have taken a little longer than expected in there, but he’d given me a lot to think about. When I come out, I find a note on the dresser, pinned in place by the left over bottle of Jack Daniels we’d only managed to get halfway through last night. I pick it up and read his tidy handwriting.
     
    Will,
    Next time, we do it at my house. Dinner with friends first. No setups. I rather like being the man you call to come fuck your brains out. But, in the interest of keeping you sane, if you ever want to meet some people who aren’t as emotionally stunted as the two of us, you know where to find me.
    Also, change your sheets. I jacked off while you were in the shower. Didn’t want you finding that one when you slip into bed tonight.
    — J
     
    I glance at the sheets in a heap on my bed. Bastard. Like I have time to do laundry today.
    Despite the deliveries, Tuesdays are slow at the pub. After Jenny comes in, I leave before the lunch rush and take a walk by the ocean. I don’t cross paths with many people, just a few old ladies strolling, a jogger and his dog, and a woman pushing a pram. None of them really pay me much attention, but the old ladies surprise me completely by nodding and telling me good morning.
    Maybe I’m not as frightening as I think I am, which I have to say is disappointing in some ways, but the more I stand here and look out at the ocean, the more I realise that Josh is right. I get to choose how my life goes. I get to decide if I live it alone or with someone else. And though I may not be able to sell the pub because all of our money is tied up in it and we’d get a lot less return, it doesn’t mean I have to spend my life hiding behind the injustice the world

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