fine.”
Ralph said, “Thank you,” and they started walking.
“I bet you don’t like him because he makes you pay for his sandwiches.”
Ralph gently shoved Jessica and they both started to laugh. When they began walking again, Jessica’s arm somehow became entwined with his.
“Now,” Ralph thought, “everything is right in the universe.”
W HETHER THIS IS TRUE is a matter of perspective. On the planet Bildungsruinia they have a saying: “Everything is exactly as it should be.” The Bildungsruinians are polyamorous, live for thousands of years, and have conspicuously fertile soil that supports crops of candy corn and jelly beans. The Bildungsruinians have another saying, which was coined after Gilbert Arnot-Friedinian struck his shin against a step stool, which one of his wives left out in the middle of the kitchen. What he said was: “Life stinks.”
This suggests the perspective that the rightness of the universe is really just a question of one’s own lot in life, but even this rule has its exceptions. Case in point: Gottfried Leibniz, the seventeenth-century German mathematician and philosopher. Leibniz profoundly said, “This is the best of all possible worlds.” Yet he was a short, bandy-legged man with a stoop, best known for his ability to sit for days in the same chair. Of Leibniz, the duchess of Orleans graciously said, “It is rare to find learned men who are clean, do not stink, and have a sense of humor.”
A T THE MASSIVE FRONT doors, Ralph bowed and said, “After you, my lady.”
Jessica smiled. “Thank you, kind sir,” she said.
Inside the Entrance Hall, the light of the twin eighteenth-century chandeliers made Jessica’s cheeks glow. She stood facing the Grand Staircase and gaped. “It’s magnificent.”
“Best of all, everything you see is made of chocolate,” Ralph said. “It’s all eatable. I mean it’s edible. I mean you can eat everything you see.”
“Seriously?” she asked, playing along.
“Of course. In 1801, the Oompa Loompas, who were terrific at building chocolate structures but quite small in stature, were in great danger from predators. So President Adams said to them, ‘Come and live with me in peace, away from the Whangdoodles and Hornswogglers and Vermicious Knids.’ And they came and constructed the White House out of creamy milk chocolate. Unfortunately Chester Arthur ate most of the East Wing, so they had to rebuild. To make the structure sturdier, they mixed in pralines.”
Jessica punched him in the arm. “The Secret Service is going to think you’re crazy.”
“Don’t worry,” Ralph said. “They can’t see us. The pralines block video reception.” He whispered in her ear, “Don’t tell anyone, though. It would be bad for national security if that got out.”
“You mean someone might come and steal the national chocolate.”
Ralph nodded. “Exactly.”
R ALPH FIRST TOOK J ESSICA downstairs to the creepy corridors of the White House basement and the Mary Todd Lincoln Bedroom.
“The room was furnished in the style of the high-Miltown period,” Ralph explained. “Most of the pieces are attributed to Hoffmann-La Roche.”
“Do you have any idea what the high-Miltown period is?”
“None whatsoever.”
“So why do you know this?”
“You know the saying, ‘Those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it.’”
Jessica nodded as she examined the room. “Why are the walls padded?” she asked.
“For the same reason the bedroom is in the basement.”
“Why is the bedroom in the basement?”
“This is where they used to send First Ladies who could not control their behavior.”
“A mini-sanitarium for the wives of presidents. That’s charming.”
“I didn’t make the history,” Ralph said. “I just repeat it.”
At this moment, a raccoon darted out from one of the heat vents and scampered from one end of the bedroom to the other. The creature startled Jessica and she jumped into Ralph’s
Ralph said, “Thank you,” and they started walking.
“I bet you don’t like him because he makes you pay for his sandwiches.”
Ralph gently shoved Jessica and they both started to laugh. When they began walking again, Jessica’s arm somehow became entwined with his.
“Now,” Ralph thought, “everything is right in the universe.”
W HETHER THIS IS TRUE is a matter of perspective. On the planet Bildungsruinia they have a saying: “Everything is exactly as it should be.” The Bildungsruinians are polyamorous, live for thousands of years, and have conspicuously fertile soil that supports crops of candy corn and jelly beans. The Bildungsruinians have another saying, which was coined after Gilbert Arnot-Friedinian struck his shin against a step stool, which one of his wives left out in the middle of the kitchen. What he said was: “Life stinks.”
This suggests the perspective that the rightness of the universe is really just a question of one’s own lot in life, but even this rule has its exceptions. Case in point: Gottfried Leibniz, the seventeenth-century German mathematician and philosopher. Leibniz profoundly said, “This is the best of all possible worlds.” Yet he was a short, bandy-legged man with a stoop, best known for his ability to sit for days in the same chair. Of Leibniz, the duchess of Orleans graciously said, “It is rare to find learned men who are clean, do not stink, and have a sense of humor.”
A T THE MASSIVE FRONT doors, Ralph bowed and said, “After you, my lady.”
Jessica smiled. “Thank you, kind sir,” she said.
Inside the Entrance Hall, the light of the twin eighteenth-century chandeliers made Jessica’s cheeks glow. She stood facing the Grand Staircase and gaped. “It’s magnificent.”
“Best of all, everything you see is made of chocolate,” Ralph said. “It’s all eatable. I mean it’s edible. I mean you can eat everything you see.”
“Seriously?” she asked, playing along.
“Of course. In 1801, the Oompa Loompas, who were terrific at building chocolate structures but quite small in stature, were in great danger from predators. So President Adams said to them, ‘Come and live with me in peace, away from the Whangdoodles and Hornswogglers and Vermicious Knids.’ And they came and constructed the White House out of creamy milk chocolate. Unfortunately Chester Arthur ate most of the East Wing, so they had to rebuild. To make the structure sturdier, they mixed in pralines.”
Jessica punched him in the arm. “The Secret Service is going to think you’re crazy.”
“Don’t worry,” Ralph said. “They can’t see us. The pralines block video reception.” He whispered in her ear, “Don’t tell anyone, though. It would be bad for national security if that got out.”
“You mean someone might come and steal the national chocolate.”
Ralph nodded. “Exactly.”
R ALPH FIRST TOOK J ESSICA downstairs to the creepy corridors of the White House basement and the Mary Todd Lincoln Bedroom.
“The room was furnished in the style of the high-Miltown period,” Ralph explained. “Most of the pieces are attributed to Hoffmann-La Roche.”
“Do you have any idea what the high-Miltown period is?”
“None whatsoever.”
“So why do you know this?”
“You know the saying, ‘Those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it.’”
Jessica nodded as she examined the room. “Why are the walls padded?” she asked.
“For the same reason the bedroom is in the basement.”
“Why is the bedroom in the basement?”
“This is where they used to send First Ladies who could not control their behavior.”
“A mini-sanitarium for the wives of presidents. That’s charming.”
“I didn’t make the history,” Ralph said. “I just repeat it.”
At this moment, a raccoon darted out from one of the heat vents and scampered from one end of the bedroom to the other. The creature startled Jessica and she jumped into Ralph’s
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