Football Crazy by Terry Ravenscroft, Ravenscroft Page B

man carrying a sandwich board bearing the legend 'The End Of The World Is Nigh', who happened to get in the way. After Screwer had finished with him his end very nearly was nigh, and would have been nigh if it hadn't been for the skills of the doctors at Leeds General. No, to Superintendent Screwer it was just a little more grist for the mill, with the football hooligans of Frogley being the grist and himself being the mill.

CHAPTER FOUR

    “ And that is only the third time a player has scored the opening goal on his birthday in the Premiership this season, and the twenty fourth time I have come out with yet another load of meaningless trivia during this commentary” - John Motson

    The players were usually given the day off after a match, but the day previously the Town had lost three-nil to a Blue Square North team and Donny had brought them in for extra training. He had emphasised to them that this wasn't intended as a punishment, merely to get their fitness levels up.
    In the post-match briefing he had told them that overall he was pleased with the result, at the end of the day, as it was proof they were turning things round, and that if any proof of this were needed they only had to look at their last two results - in the match before last they had lost four-nil to a team in the Unibond League, and in the last match they had lost only three-nil to a team in the Blue Square North, which meant they had lost by one goal less to a team from one league higher. In turn this meant that if they were to continue this rate of improvement it would mean that if they played a team from the Football Conference, one league up from the Blue Square North, they would lose by only two-nil. Carry the theory through to its logical conclusion and it would mean that they would only lose one-nil to a Coca-Cola League Two side, draw nil-nil with a League One side, beat a Championship side one-nil, and if they were to play a team from the Premiership they would beat them two-nil.
    Although a few of the players harboured the odd doubt that they would struggle to win two-nil away at Chelsea or Manchester United their manager’s reasoning seemed to make perfectly good sense so they were putting a really big effort into their training that morning.
    From the direction of the portakabins Dave Rave, carrying his portable recording equipment and a football, now approached the pitch. As he climbed over the perimeter fence he called out to the players, “Hi fellas!”
    The nearest player to him was the Geordie midfield man Darrell Lock, ex-Bolton Wanderers, ex-Swindon Town, ex-Darlington, ex-any use, who raised a hand in salutation and greeted the local radio legend. “Hey up, Dave man, how's it gannin’.”
    “ You know me Locky,” said Dave. “When was Dave Rave ever down?”
    “ When you’re giving somebody a blow job,” said Darren Briggs.
    The rest of the players had a laugh at Dave’s expense following this brilliant shaft of wit, which the radio presenter took in good part. Dave didn’t mind the player’s joshing him, it made him feel like one of them, like one of the lads, something a good DJ should always try to be.
    “ What's brung yow here then, Doive?” asked Hereward Stock.
    “ The number nine bus,” said Jimmy Floyd Cragg.
    Two of the players groaned but the remainder of them laughed, and even the two who didn’t laugh thought it was funny and wished it had been they who had said it.
    “ Big Donny has given Frogley Radio's fave DJ the OK to interview a couple of you for the Dave Rave Show Pre-Season Football Special,” said Dave. He remembered the football he was carrying. “Oh, and one of your fans at the mental hospital asked me if I could get you all to sign his football.”
    “ So we're still popular at the mental hospital then?” said Lock.
    “ I have it on the authority of no less a person than the Chief Psychiatrist that the one time the inmates can safely be left on their own is during my commentary of your