‘love’, ‘have feelings for you. You were an important part of my past. But that’s it. An awful thing happened, not just to Jimmy, but to all of us. And this, this feeling that I can’t be with anyone… for now, at least… well, this is how I deal with it.’
‘It’s hiding. Not dealing!’
I stayed silent. That one had been used on me before. But his next words could not be so easily ignored.
‘And do you really think this is what Jimmy would have wanted for you? To see you by yourself? For Christ’s sake, Rachel, he was so in love with you he even sacrificed his own life to save yours!’
I gasped, struck by a pain that dwarfed my headache to the merest of irritations. He saw my reaction and looked stunned by it.
‘What? You didn’t know? You couldn’t see it written all over his face whenever he looked at you?’
This was too much. To hear this again, for the second time in one day, was more than I could bear. I shook my head in denial, my eyes blurring with tears.
‘You're wrong. So wrong. We were friends… just friends,’ I whispered softly.
‘For you, maybe. But not for him. Everyone else could see it. It was so obvious.’
I was so confused that my pained brain could hardly function.
‘It's not true. I would have known. And he never said anything… not once, not in all those years…’
Something stirred at the back of my mind. An elusive memory, just out of reach.
‘Why do you think he hated me so much?’
‘He didn’t hate you.’ I jumped to my lost friend’s defence, but even as I uttered the denial I had to acknowledge that there had always been a frisson of antagonism between the two of them.
Once more Matt reached out, securing my face between his strong hands. ‘I had you, and he didn’t. There must have been times when he found that unbearable.’
My heart twisted at the pain I had unknowingly caused. This didn’t make anything better at all. It just made it a million times worse. I pulled back before he could kiss me, for I was certain that was what he had intended.
‘I can’t do this, Matt. Don’t do this to me. It’s just not fair.’
By this time my scrabbling hand had finally found the discreetly positioned door handle. I flung open the door, allowing cold December air and hopefully some sanity into the car. I was unbuckled and out of my seat before he could join me on the passenger side.
Perhaps he could see the distress he’d caused, or perhaps the brighter illumination from the hotel allowed him to see I really did feel as sick as I’d been claiming, for he sounded conciliatory.
‘I’m sorry if I’ve upset you, Rachel.’
I shook my head.
‘Just go. Go back to the restaurant. Back to Cathy.’
He nodded, but he didn’t look happy.
‘Will you be all right?’ His eyes searching my face were clearly concerned. ‘You don’t look very well.’
‘I’ll be OK. I just need to sleep off this headache. I’ll be fine.’
I could sense his reluctance to leave me so I summoned up a manufactured smile from some unknown well of strength. ‘Go.’
He smiled back. ‘I’m not going to give up on you, you know,’ he promised, getting back in his car. ‘You drove me off once but I’m not going to give in so easily this time.’
‘Go,’ I repeated, the entreaty threaded through with a note of desperation. And at last he did, the car sweeping across the forecourt and disappearing into the darkness with a flash of brake lights as it entered the flow of traffic.
As I wearily mounted the three stone steps to the hotel’s foyer, I couldn’t help but think his parting comment had sounded more like a threat than a promise.
When I finally swiped the key card into its slot and entered my hotel room, I was surprised to see that it was only a little after ten o’clock. It had felt much later. I kicked off my shoes and sank gratefully onto the bed. Drawing a pyramid of pillows up behind me, I switched off all but the bedside lamp and lay back with
‘It’s hiding. Not dealing!’
I stayed silent. That one had been used on me before. But his next words could not be so easily ignored.
‘And do you really think this is what Jimmy would have wanted for you? To see you by yourself? For Christ’s sake, Rachel, he was so in love with you he even sacrificed his own life to save yours!’
I gasped, struck by a pain that dwarfed my headache to the merest of irritations. He saw my reaction and looked stunned by it.
‘What? You didn’t know? You couldn’t see it written all over his face whenever he looked at you?’
This was too much. To hear this again, for the second time in one day, was more than I could bear. I shook my head in denial, my eyes blurring with tears.
‘You're wrong. So wrong. We were friends… just friends,’ I whispered softly.
‘For you, maybe. But not for him. Everyone else could see it. It was so obvious.’
I was so confused that my pained brain could hardly function.
‘It's not true. I would have known. And he never said anything… not once, not in all those years…’
Something stirred at the back of my mind. An elusive memory, just out of reach.
‘Why do you think he hated me so much?’
‘He didn’t hate you.’ I jumped to my lost friend’s defence, but even as I uttered the denial I had to acknowledge that there had always been a frisson of antagonism between the two of them.
Once more Matt reached out, securing my face between his strong hands. ‘I had you, and he didn’t. There must have been times when he found that unbearable.’
My heart twisted at the pain I had unknowingly caused. This didn’t make anything better at all. It just made it a million times worse. I pulled back before he could kiss me, for I was certain that was what he had intended.
‘I can’t do this, Matt. Don’t do this to me. It’s just not fair.’
By this time my scrabbling hand had finally found the discreetly positioned door handle. I flung open the door, allowing cold December air and hopefully some sanity into the car. I was unbuckled and out of my seat before he could join me on the passenger side.
Perhaps he could see the distress he’d caused, or perhaps the brighter illumination from the hotel allowed him to see I really did feel as sick as I’d been claiming, for he sounded conciliatory.
‘I’m sorry if I’ve upset you, Rachel.’
I shook my head.
‘Just go. Go back to the restaurant. Back to Cathy.’
He nodded, but he didn’t look happy.
‘Will you be all right?’ His eyes searching my face were clearly concerned. ‘You don’t look very well.’
‘I’ll be OK. I just need to sleep off this headache. I’ll be fine.’
I could sense his reluctance to leave me so I summoned up a manufactured smile from some unknown well of strength. ‘Go.’
He smiled back. ‘I’m not going to give up on you, you know,’ he promised, getting back in his car. ‘You drove me off once but I’m not going to give in so easily this time.’
‘Go,’ I repeated, the entreaty threaded through with a note of desperation. And at last he did, the car sweeping across the forecourt and disappearing into the darkness with a flash of brake lights as it entered the flow of traffic.
As I wearily mounted the three stone steps to the hotel’s foyer, I couldn’t help but think his parting comment had sounded more like a threat than a promise.
When I finally swiped the key card into its slot and entered my hotel room, I was surprised to see that it was only a little after ten o’clock. It had felt much later. I kicked off my shoes and sank gratefully onto the bed. Drawing a pyramid of pillows up behind me, I switched off all but the bedside lamp and lay back with
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