you? I might as well kiss that good-bye, and all because of
you." He raises his voice, quickly working himself into a self-righteous
rage. "I warned you what I’ll do if you don’t retract your statement. Don’t
think I won’t. In fact, I’ve already done so. I told that bitch that you’re a
compulsive liar and that this is the reason why I broke with you —"
"Thanks very much, Gary, for letting me know that you’ve broken
with me. Return the key for my apartment to my mailbox, will you?" The
sarcasm slips out before I know it. I get up, put two one-pound coins on
the table and walk away.
He rises too. In the mirror behind the service counter I see him reach
out to retain me. In my mind, I ready myself to clout him, but he doesn’t
touch me, instead shouts: "Bitch, I warn you; you can’t do that to me.
You owe me."
I’m boiling inside, angry with myself for having contemplated that
Gary might want to make up, angry for having let myself be duped by this
man for almost two years. Then I almost laugh. Maybe there is a silver
lining to the Sanvino affair. It allowed me to discover Gary’s true nature
before it was too late, before I committed myself to a marriage that was
bound to break apart. I know that once I made the commitment, I would
have tried everything to make it work. This is part of my nature. It might
have taken years of unhappiness, self-doubt, and mental abuse, always
hoping that I could rescue the marriage, before I would throw in the
towel. But these thoughts are scant consolation. I feel bereft as if something precious had been ripped out of me.
Thursday, 8:30 p.m.
"Halt!"
The Aikido instructor’s shout shatters the trance I’ve worked myself
into. Startled, I abort the move I’ve just initiated. At the same moment the
cold realization grips me that if she hadn’t stopped me, I could have
maimed or even killed my opponent. I see stark terror in his face. He is
swaying, as if he is going to collapse.
"I’m sorry, Dan. Please, forgive me," I croak, holding out both hands
to steady him.
He shies away, exclaiming: "No, don’t touch me!"
"What got into you?" the instructor scolds, pushing me away. "This is
an exercise, not a fight to the death." She doesn’t raise her voice, its
impact all the more powerful, like cold steel cutting into me. "Take some
time out on the bench. I’ll talk to you later." Then she helps Dan.
I do as ordered. Sitting there, my elbows on my knees, my face hidden
in my hands, delayed fright seeps into my bones. When she told me to
practice with Dan, by far her most accomplished student, I slowly but
surely worked myself into a trance. The frustration of not knowing what
Willis is going to do, the forced idleness, the growing resentment and
antagonism against Gary, Edward Long, my feckless boss, my jealous
colleagues, suddenly all focused on my Aikido opponent. He wasn’t Dan
any longer. He became the surrogate for all of them. I could have killed
him. My heart is pounding madly.
The instructor cuts the session short and dismisses the class.
"Cecilia, come to my office," she says. Her face shows puzzled
concern.
I follow her and take the seat she directs me to.
"I’m sure you realize the gravity of what you’ve done. Not only could
you have killed Dan, but nobody will want to partner you again."
"Master, I know what I did was inexcusable and I regret it sorely. It
will never happen again."
"Unfortunately, the damage is done. A pity. You’ve always been
reliable in the past. What has suddenly changed? I sense that something
is wrong with you."
Is she going to refuse me as her student? Panic grips me. I decide on
partial disclosure. "I’m sorry, Master, I promise it will never happen
again. And you are correct; there is something wrong with me. I have
been accused of fraud and the police have been called in, and I also got
fired from my job. But I’m innocent. I have done nothing fraudulent or
unethical. But I suspect I’ve been set up. I
you." He raises his voice, quickly working himself into a self-righteous
rage. "I warned you what I’ll do if you don’t retract your statement. Don’t
think I won’t. In fact, I’ve already done so. I told that bitch that you’re a
compulsive liar and that this is the reason why I broke with you —"
"Thanks very much, Gary, for letting me know that you’ve broken
with me. Return the key for my apartment to my mailbox, will you?" The
sarcasm slips out before I know it. I get up, put two one-pound coins on
the table and walk away.
He rises too. In the mirror behind the service counter I see him reach
out to retain me. In my mind, I ready myself to clout him, but he doesn’t
touch me, instead shouts: "Bitch, I warn you; you can’t do that to me.
You owe me."
I’m boiling inside, angry with myself for having contemplated that
Gary might want to make up, angry for having let myself be duped by this
man for almost two years. Then I almost laugh. Maybe there is a silver
lining to the Sanvino affair. It allowed me to discover Gary’s true nature
before it was too late, before I committed myself to a marriage that was
bound to break apart. I know that once I made the commitment, I would
have tried everything to make it work. This is part of my nature. It might
have taken years of unhappiness, self-doubt, and mental abuse, always
hoping that I could rescue the marriage, before I would throw in the
towel. But these thoughts are scant consolation. I feel bereft as if something precious had been ripped out of me.
Thursday, 8:30 p.m.
"Halt!"
The Aikido instructor’s shout shatters the trance I’ve worked myself
into. Startled, I abort the move I’ve just initiated. At the same moment the
cold realization grips me that if she hadn’t stopped me, I could have
maimed or even killed my opponent. I see stark terror in his face. He is
swaying, as if he is going to collapse.
"I’m sorry, Dan. Please, forgive me," I croak, holding out both hands
to steady him.
He shies away, exclaiming: "No, don’t touch me!"
"What got into you?" the instructor scolds, pushing me away. "This is
an exercise, not a fight to the death." She doesn’t raise her voice, its
impact all the more powerful, like cold steel cutting into me. "Take some
time out on the bench. I’ll talk to you later." Then she helps Dan.
I do as ordered. Sitting there, my elbows on my knees, my face hidden
in my hands, delayed fright seeps into my bones. When she told me to
practice with Dan, by far her most accomplished student, I slowly but
surely worked myself into a trance. The frustration of not knowing what
Willis is going to do, the forced idleness, the growing resentment and
antagonism against Gary, Edward Long, my feckless boss, my jealous
colleagues, suddenly all focused on my Aikido opponent. He wasn’t Dan
any longer. He became the surrogate for all of them. I could have killed
him. My heart is pounding madly.
The instructor cuts the session short and dismisses the class.
"Cecilia, come to my office," she says. Her face shows puzzled
concern.
I follow her and take the seat she directs me to.
"I’m sure you realize the gravity of what you’ve done. Not only could
you have killed Dan, but nobody will want to partner you again."
"Master, I know what I did was inexcusable and I regret it sorely. It
will never happen again."
"Unfortunately, the damage is done. A pity. You’ve always been
reliable in the past. What has suddenly changed? I sense that something
is wrong with you."
Is she going to refuse me as her student? Panic grips me. I decide on
partial disclosure. "I’m sorry, Master, I promise it will never happen
again. And you are correct; there is something wrong with me. I have
been accused of fraud and the police have been called in, and I also got
fired from my job. But I’m innocent. I have done nothing fraudulent or
unethical. But I suspect I’ve been set up. I
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