figure out something else.
As his fingers wove in and out of her toes now, she resisted the urge to giggle. Instead, she smiled. He was totally serious, hiding behind a veil of emotion, most certainly anger. And fear? She didn’t see it, but of course it was there, if not hovering on the surface then deep inside the boy, like a wolf or a bear pacing back and forth in a dark cave. They were all afraid when they came here, the children. Of course they were. She’d been terrified arriving at her first kotha years ago, a motherless child. Now she tried to mother them a little, give them sweeties and chai in the beginning (along with all the drugs) and make them quickly forget about the lives they had before.
Lakshmi, the goddess of beneficence
, she’d tell them –
I am your benefactress
. Of course none of them knew what this meant, so she’d have to explain: she’d take care of them. As madam
and
malkin, manager and owner. Totally in charge. Of course she didn’t tell them Lakshmi was also the goddess of profit.
‘You’re getting it,
chut
,’ she told the boy. ‘Just a little firmer now, you’ve gone a bit too soft.’
‘How much longer?’
‘Is Eli getting tired? Auntie Lakshmi thought he was a big, strong boy with lots of energy.’
‘I’m not tired.’ His hands had stopped.
‘What then?’
Silence.
‘Tell Auntie-ji.’
‘When are you letting me out of here?’
‘That depends.’
‘Why? On what?’
‘On you.’ She had no idea why she said that, because it wasn’t true. ‘A little more on the left foot,
chut
…’
‘On me how?’
He was grabbing her ankles hard, as though he could break them. His hands like shackles.
She sat up and pulled her ankles back roughly. ‘You stupid boy, don’t you know you’ll never get out of here unless I say so? And still you treat me like this?’ She could feel the muscles in her face tightening. ‘Anand! Anand! Must I call him in to sort you out, you stupid
chut?
’
Eli shook his head, definitely no. Fear creeping over him.
‘Fine then. Suit yourself. Auntie Lakshmi was trying to have a quiet, relaxing and very pleasant time with you, and you go and spoil it. Next time you might think twice. Anand!’
The door flung open, banging against the wall. Anand nearly fell through it, high on hash, no doubt, and steeped in the fumes of grain alcohol. He stood at attention like a squiffed soldier and turned his mirrored shades towards Eli. ‘What must I do with him?’
‘Whatever you want. I’m going to freshen up.’ She looked at Eli, standing still, quivering, barely breathing, and blew him a kiss.
As she reapplied her lipstick and eyeliner in the bathroom – her private bathroom, screaming pink with full-length mirrors surrounding her – she could hear the shouting and banging down the hall. Anand could beat the life out of anyone, and fast. She thought of intervening, but resisted. The
chut
needed a lesson, there was too much back-talk. She felt the warmth of pity welling up in her breast and had to kill it, immediately. He still had his uses here, and would need to show her a lot more respect. Obey her. Humour her. Entertain her.
Life was getting far too serious. As she drew the black line thicker under her dark eyes and smeared on lipstick again, she saw in the mirror someone she barely recognised. Her face had hardened into a painted mask over the years; she’d learnt to close her eyes with them still open so no one could look in and see her soul. With all the scum she was dealing with these days, traffickers along with gun and drug runners, an endlessweb of people making a buck off the misery of others, you had to hide. Retreat, and attack, surprise them before they found your weak spot. Bugger them before they buggered you.
She checked the twists of her thick dark braid and saw that it was unravelling, ready for a wash. The noise from her room had subsided now. As she smoothed the slightly greasy strands on her scalp, she started
As his fingers wove in and out of her toes now, she resisted the urge to giggle. Instead, she smiled. He was totally serious, hiding behind a veil of emotion, most certainly anger. And fear? She didn’t see it, but of course it was there, if not hovering on the surface then deep inside the boy, like a wolf or a bear pacing back and forth in a dark cave. They were all afraid when they came here, the children. Of course they were. She’d been terrified arriving at her first kotha years ago, a motherless child. Now she tried to mother them a little, give them sweeties and chai in the beginning (along with all the drugs) and make them quickly forget about the lives they had before.
Lakshmi, the goddess of beneficence
, she’d tell them –
I am your benefactress
. Of course none of them knew what this meant, so she’d have to explain: she’d take care of them. As madam
and
malkin, manager and owner. Totally in charge. Of course she didn’t tell them Lakshmi was also the goddess of profit.
‘You’re getting it,
chut
,’ she told the boy. ‘Just a little firmer now, you’ve gone a bit too soft.’
‘How much longer?’
‘Is Eli getting tired? Auntie Lakshmi thought he was a big, strong boy with lots of energy.’
‘I’m not tired.’ His hands had stopped.
‘What then?’
Silence.
‘Tell Auntie-ji.’
‘When are you letting me out of here?’
‘That depends.’
‘Why? On what?’
‘On you.’ She had no idea why she said that, because it wasn’t true. ‘A little more on the left foot,
chut
…’
‘On me how?’
He was grabbing her ankles hard, as though he could break them. His hands like shackles.
She sat up and pulled her ankles back roughly. ‘You stupid boy, don’t you know you’ll never get out of here unless I say so? And still you treat me like this?’ She could feel the muscles in her face tightening. ‘Anand! Anand! Must I call him in to sort you out, you stupid
chut?
’
Eli shook his head, definitely no. Fear creeping over him.
‘Fine then. Suit yourself. Auntie Lakshmi was trying to have a quiet, relaxing and very pleasant time with you, and you go and spoil it. Next time you might think twice. Anand!’
The door flung open, banging against the wall. Anand nearly fell through it, high on hash, no doubt, and steeped in the fumes of grain alcohol. He stood at attention like a squiffed soldier and turned his mirrored shades towards Eli. ‘What must I do with him?’
‘Whatever you want. I’m going to freshen up.’ She looked at Eli, standing still, quivering, barely breathing, and blew him a kiss.
As she reapplied her lipstick and eyeliner in the bathroom – her private bathroom, screaming pink with full-length mirrors surrounding her – she could hear the shouting and banging down the hall. Anand could beat the life out of anyone, and fast. She thought of intervening, but resisted. The
chut
needed a lesson, there was too much back-talk. She felt the warmth of pity welling up in her breast and had to kill it, immediately. He still had his uses here, and would need to show her a lot more respect. Obey her. Humour her. Entertain her.
Life was getting far too serious. As she drew the black line thicker under her dark eyes and smeared on lipstick again, she saw in the mirror someone she barely recognised. Her face had hardened into a painted mask over the years; she’d learnt to close her eyes with them still open so no one could look in and see her soul. With all the scum she was dealing with these days, traffickers along with gun and drug runners, an endlessweb of people making a buck off the misery of others, you had to hide. Retreat, and attack, surprise them before they found your weak spot. Bugger them before they buggered you.
She checked the twists of her thick dark braid and saw that it was unravelling, ready for a wash. The noise from her room had subsided now. As she smoothed the slightly greasy strands on her scalp, she started
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