sure…
Sleep ought to be a blessed release from the trials and tribulations of my non-existent love life, but theDream is waiting for me.
I wake up with a jolt, just as I’m about to discover the identity of the menacing thing at the bottom of my bed – and realize that it’s standing over me.
Wearing slippers.
“What are you doing down there? And you’re still wearing the same clothes from yesterday! Come on, you’ve got a big day at school today.”
It’s Mum. I groan and roll on to my back, suddenly aware of a string of dribble that’s connecting me to the floor.
“Must’ve fallen out of bed,” I mumble, climbing to my feet. “What’s happening at school?”
That excited grin again. Here it comes.
“You’re going to ask that girl out.”
IM: No pressure, then.
FIVE
I realize this will cement my position as a Geek, but I like school. I like routine, I like learning – I even like homework. I keep hearing adults say that your school years are the best years of your life and, while there are worse things to be than a bookworming virgin, I hope it’s not true. But today’s got a little extra shine on it – today I might see Sarah. My stomach seems to be home to a kaleidoscope of butterflies.
Me and Ravi snigger through the peaks and valleys of the female reproductive system in Biology, and Matt lends his caustic wit to a debate on the themes in Of Mice and Men in English. It’s a regular enough day, but there’s no sign of Sarah.
IM: I tell ya, I tell ya a guy gets too lonely an’ he gets sick…
Lunchtime waves its magic wand and we’re all allowed to talk to each other about the things that matter most to us. For me, Matt, Ravi and Beggsy, it’s planning the Game on Friday night. I still haven’t got round to mentioning that Sarah’s going to be there, and each time I think I’m going to say something, there’s a flurry of panic in my stomach and my brain steers theconversation away to something else. Usually Kirsty Ford – they bite at that one like fish to bait.
“Yeah, but what do you think they look like?” Beggsy’s saying. “I mean, when they’re unbound ?”
There’s a brief silence round our table. The rest of the dinner hall keeps chatting and eating, unaware of the Nest of Perversion that lurks scant feet from their packed lunches and fish fingers and chips.
“‘Unbound’?” Matt mocks. “These aren’t oven-ready chickens we’re talking about…”
“But they could do with stuffing, just the same,” Ravi pipes up and we all groan.
“A little more decorum, please, gentlemen,” I interject. “If we’re going to plumb these depths…” resounding sniggers from the assembly “…then let’s at least show a degree of respect. Mr Beggs, you have the floor.”
“I’m just asking if you think they’re uppies or downies – that’s all.”
Another stunned silence. Beggsy tries to recover ground.
“Do they defy gravity or are we talking about a pair of spaniel’s ears? It’s an important question!”
More laughter from the assembly and cries of “Order! Order!” from me, seeing as I seem to have been unofficially recognized as chairman. And just as suddenly as it starts,the laughter dies off and, too late, my Grunt Detector TM goes online. It takes me a split second to read the change in my compatriots’ body language: rounded shoulders, eyes down and bland, unreadable expressions all round: the Nerd version of Duck and Cover – Cower and Quake. There’s someone behind me.
IM: Uh-oh…
My EM follows suit, doing its chameleon-best to blend in with the environment, but a hand on my shoulder calls my bluff; I have no option but to turn round. Which I do, very slowly. A muscled forehead ripples at me.
“You’re that kid outside the corner shop yesterday.”
Up close, Jason Humphries looks even more terrifying; his skin resembles the surface of the moon and he has visible laughter-lines forming.
IM:
Sleep ought to be a blessed release from the trials and tribulations of my non-existent love life, but theDream is waiting for me.
I wake up with a jolt, just as I’m about to discover the identity of the menacing thing at the bottom of my bed – and realize that it’s standing over me.
Wearing slippers.
“What are you doing down there? And you’re still wearing the same clothes from yesterday! Come on, you’ve got a big day at school today.”
It’s Mum. I groan and roll on to my back, suddenly aware of a string of dribble that’s connecting me to the floor.
“Must’ve fallen out of bed,” I mumble, climbing to my feet. “What’s happening at school?”
That excited grin again. Here it comes.
“You’re going to ask that girl out.”
IM: No pressure, then.
FIVE
I realize this will cement my position as a Geek, but I like school. I like routine, I like learning – I even like homework. I keep hearing adults say that your school years are the best years of your life and, while there are worse things to be than a bookworming virgin, I hope it’s not true. But today’s got a little extra shine on it – today I might see Sarah. My stomach seems to be home to a kaleidoscope of butterflies.
Me and Ravi snigger through the peaks and valleys of the female reproductive system in Biology, and Matt lends his caustic wit to a debate on the themes in Of Mice and Men in English. It’s a regular enough day, but there’s no sign of Sarah.
IM: I tell ya, I tell ya a guy gets too lonely an’ he gets sick…
Lunchtime waves its magic wand and we’re all allowed to talk to each other about the things that matter most to us. For me, Matt, Ravi and Beggsy, it’s planning the Game on Friday night. I still haven’t got round to mentioning that Sarah’s going to be there, and each time I think I’m going to say something, there’s a flurry of panic in my stomach and my brain steers theconversation away to something else. Usually Kirsty Ford – they bite at that one like fish to bait.
“Yeah, but what do you think they look like?” Beggsy’s saying. “I mean, when they’re unbound ?”
There’s a brief silence round our table. The rest of the dinner hall keeps chatting and eating, unaware of the Nest of Perversion that lurks scant feet from their packed lunches and fish fingers and chips.
“‘Unbound’?” Matt mocks. “These aren’t oven-ready chickens we’re talking about…”
“But they could do with stuffing, just the same,” Ravi pipes up and we all groan.
“A little more decorum, please, gentlemen,” I interject. “If we’re going to plumb these depths…” resounding sniggers from the assembly “…then let’s at least show a degree of respect. Mr Beggs, you have the floor.”
“I’m just asking if you think they’re uppies or downies – that’s all.”
Another stunned silence. Beggsy tries to recover ground.
“Do they defy gravity or are we talking about a pair of spaniel’s ears? It’s an important question!”
More laughter from the assembly and cries of “Order! Order!” from me, seeing as I seem to have been unofficially recognized as chairman. And just as suddenly as it starts,the laughter dies off and, too late, my Grunt Detector TM goes online. It takes me a split second to read the change in my compatriots’ body language: rounded shoulders, eyes down and bland, unreadable expressions all round: the Nerd version of Duck and Cover – Cower and Quake. There’s someone behind me.
IM: Uh-oh…
My EM follows suit, doing its chameleon-best to blend in with the environment, but a hand on my shoulder calls my bluff; I have no option but to turn round. Which I do, very slowly. A muscled forehead ripples at me.
“You’re that kid outside the corner shop yesterday.”
Up close, Jason Humphries looks even more terrifying; his skin resembles the surface of the moon and he has visible laughter-lines forming.
IM:
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