bad stuff.”
“ All the bad stuff? How much bad stuff is there?”
I probably shouldn’t tell her everything. Don’t want to overwhelm her. “Dad’s fine. Everyone’s fine,” I say. And it’s kind of the truth. Everyone is fine. Everyone except me. I blink a few times.
“What’s the bad stuff, then?”
I sit back down on my bed. The breakup. The breakup that breaks your heart. That’s what I want to save her from. I want to wrap her up in a fuzzy coat of denial and protect her. “You just fall in love with the wrong guy,” I say carefully.
“Who?”
“Bryan.”
“Oh. Oh .”
“Yeah. Write that down, then.”
“Write what?”
“Write ‘Don’t go out with Bryan Sanderson.’” Back to my plan. Take that, Bryan. You have a plan that doesn’t involve me; now I have a plan that doesn’t involve you . And maybe this time Freshman Me will listen to it.
“But what’s so bad about Bryan?”
“Everything!” I insist. “Trust me.”
“But I like Bryan. He’s … really nice.”
“Devi …”
“He is nice!”
“Not that nice,” I grumble.
“But how does this all work, anyway? If I don’t go out with Bryan, that means that you don’t go out with Bryan?”
“Yes. We are the same person.”
“Maybe I could go out with him now and break up with him or whatever before the bad stuff happens,” she says hopefully.
“No.” I square my shoulders. “You have to cancel.”
She sighs. “Let’s think about that one, okay?”
“No thinking. Just doing. It’s too late to phone now anyway. You can call him in the morning.”
“Fine—we’ll discuss it in the morning.”
“No, you’ll do it in the morning.” I clench my hands into fists. “You have to. This is the most important thing you can do. Do you understand?”
“Okay,” she says meekly.
Yeah, I’ve heard that before. “Okay, you promise?”
“I promise.” She sighs. “I’ll do it.”
chapter eight
Saturday, September 10 Freshman Year
My dreams are understandably odd tonight. I wake up at ten-thirty in the morning and check my wall to make sure that I did not, in fact, dream the entire thing.
Nope. Place Desk Here! and This is cat are still freshly written on my wall—which means I’m supposed to call Bryan to cancel. Sweet, adorable Bryan.
As I step into my bright yellow bathtub—my mom picked the color, saying that it reminded her of lemons and made the room feel fresh—I can’t help wondering, Do I really have to cancel? It seems like a crazy thing to do. When you have plans with a guy you have a serious crush on, do you cancel? No, you do not. Although, when your future self tells you it’s for the best, you should probably listen. And I promised her. Technically, I also promised Bryan I would go to the movies with him. But I guess promises to my future self beat promises to a guy I’ve only spoken to twice.
Okay, okay, I’ll cancel. Right after I eat something.
I check to see if Dad’s briefcase is gone. Yup, he’s at work. On a Saturday. I take a handful of Mom’s fresh mini lemon muffins—she loves lemons; what can I say?—to the table on the back porch. I am going to cancel. I am. As soon as I finish eating.
When I’m done, I head back to my room. Now what? Now I should cancel. I should. But … I really don’t want to. I like Bryan.
Instead, I call Maya to see how her party was. She doesn’t answer, so I leave a message.
As soon as I hang up, my phone rings. Unfortunately, it’s not Maya.
“Helllllllo?” Senior Me drawls. “Did you do it?”
I lie back on my bed. “Can’t I just go out with him once? Just once?”
“No!” she cries. “Absolutely not. You have to cancel immediately.”
“But he’s so nice. And cute. And very knowing in the art of stain removal.”
“You’ll go out with someone nicer. And cuter.”
“Who?”
“I don’t know yet, do I?”
“I don’t understand what the big deal is,” I grumble. “What is so bad about Bryan
“ All the bad stuff? How much bad stuff is there?”
I probably shouldn’t tell her everything. Don’t want to overwhelm her. “Dad’s fine. Everyone’s fine,” I say. And it’s kind of the truth. Everyone is fine. Everyone except me. I blink a few times.
“What’s the bad stuff, then?”
I sit back down on my bed. The breakup. The breakup that breaks your heart. That’s what I want to save her from. I want to wrap her up in a fuzzy coat of denial and protect her. “You just fall in love with the wrong guy,” I say carefully.
“Who?”
“Bryan.”
“Oh. Oh .”
“Yeah. Write that down, then.”
“Write what?”
“Write ‘Don’t go out with Bryan Sanderson.’” Back to my plan. Take that, Bryan. You have a plan that doesn’t involve me; now I have a plan that doesn’t involve you . And maybe this time Freshman Me will listen to it.
“But what’s so bad about Bryan?”
“Everything!” I insist. “Trust me.”
“But I like Bryan. He’s … really nice.”
“Devi …”
“He is nice!”
“Not that nice,” I grumble.
“But how does this all work, anyway? If I don’t go out with Bryan, that means that you don’t go out with Bryan?”
“Yes. We are the same person.”
“Maybe I could go out with him now and break up with him or whatever before the bad stuff happens,” she says hopefully.
“No.” I square my shoulders. “You have to cancel.”
She sighs. “Let’s think about that one, okay?”
“No thinking. Just doing. It’s too late to phone now anyway. You can call him in the morning.”
“Fine—we’ll discuss it in the morning.”
“No, you’ll do it in the morning.” I clench my hands into fists. “You have to. This is the most important thing you can do. Do you understand?”
“Okay,” she says meekly.
Yeah, I’ve heard that before. “Okay, you promise?”
“I promise.” She sighs. “I’ll do it.”
chapter eight
Saturday, September 10 Freshman Year
My dreams are understandably odd tonight. I wake up at ten-thirty in the morning and check my wall to make sure that I did not, in fact, dream the entire thing.
Nope. Place Desk Here! and This is cat are still freshly written on my wall—which means I’m supposed to call Bryan to cancel. Sweet, adorable Bryan.
As I step into my bright yellow bathtub—my mom picked the color, saying that it reminded her of lemons and made the room feel fresh—I can’t help wondering, Do I really have to cancel? It seems like a crazy thing to do. When you have plans with a guy you have a serious crush on, do you cancel? No, you do not. Although, when your future self tells you it’s for the best, you should probably listen. And I promised her. Technically, I also promised Bryan I would go to the movies with him. But I guess promises to my future self beat promises to a guy I’ve only spoken to twice.
Okay, okay, I’ll cancel. Right after I eat something.
I check to see if Dad’s briefcase is gone. Yup, he’s at work. On a Saturday. I take a handful of Mom’s fresh mini lemon muffins—she loves lemons; what can I say?—to the table on the back porch. I am going to cancel. I am. As soon as I finish eating.
When I’m done, I head back to my room. Now what? Now I should cancel. I should. But … I really don’t want to. I like Bryan.
Instead, I call Maya to see how her party was. She doesn’t answer, so I leave a message.
As soon as I hang up, my phone rings. Unfortunately, it’s not Maya.
“Helllllllo?” Senior Me drawls. “Did you do it?”
I lie back on my bed. “Can’t I just go out with him once? Just once?”
“No!” she cries. “Absolutely not. You have to cancel immediately.”
“But he’s so nice. And cute. And very knowing in the art of stain removal.”
“You’ll go out with someone nicer. And cuter.”
“Who?”
“I don’t know yet, do I?”
“I don’t understand what the big deal is,” I grumble. “What is so bad about Bryan
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