how
wretched their souls really were. In a way, I think I saved them.
Without me they would have continued to bully people their entire
lives. Year after year. Decade after decade. Tormenting, torturing,
belittling those they deemed unworthy. Yes, I did the world a
justice. I saved all those poor unfortunates the shame of being
harassed by arrogant assholes who, more often than not, were
actually the weaker links.
Yes, I am a savior.
I am a savior, right?
33
Dear God, I think I'm losing it. Nothing
seems right to me anymore. Am I justified or simply an unjust
demon? Why can't I see clearly anymore? My memories are so sporadic
that I am losing any notion of past and present. Did that just
happen or had it happened years ago? Thoughts and actions melting
together in swirling uncontrolled chaos. What's happening to
me?!
*
My mother sat weeping quietly at the cracked
kitchen table. Her frail hands combing comfortingly through her
dulling raven hair. I stood motionless in the shadows of the
hallway. I could tell it had been yet another failed first date.
One of seemingly hundreds these days. Why is she doing this to
herself? I wondered.
My mother had recently perked a new found
interest in dating again. Well, not exactly again. Actually, I
can't even say I remembered her dating all that much before now.
Despite her lack of practice in the wide world of love, she
suddenly acted like it was now or never and responded to almost
every offer that came her way. Unfortunately, even though her
enthusiasm seemed genuine to the outside world, inside I knew she
didn't really want to find someone else. Her heart still belonged
to my long lost father, though she'd never admit it. This lack of
subconscious knowledge or acceptance on her part now lead to
disastrous and self destructive first and last dates.
Tonight's contestant had been Vern Meyer. He
was a local guy who she met shopping at Marv's. Vern went shopping
every Saturday morning to buy exactly $20 in groceries, never less,
never more. He wasn't what anyone would call handsome, that's for
sure. He was shiny bald, not a stitch of hair on his head. Vern was
a touch on the heavy side and barely stood a few inches taller than
my mother, which she discovered when she decided to wear heels. He
was quiet, very articulate when he spoke, and all in all a pretty
nice guy. However, unbeknownst to my mother, good-natured, shy Vern
was a huge religious fanatic and spent the majority of the date
trying to convince my atheist mother to “save” her soul and repent.
Needless to say the only thing she repented was Vern's advances at
the door when he walked her home.
Thus, the sobbing mess slumped over the table
just ten feet from where I stood. I debated on whether or not to
approach her. I wanted to comfort her and tell her he wasn't good
enough anyway,
but feared I'd only embarrass her by
acknowledging I had caught her crying.
I opted to just leave her be, whether or not
that was the right choice. I watched her just a few extra minutes
as she lay her head on her arm and cried herself into a quiet
sleep. Deep sorrow boiled within me. I wanted to find my father,
shake him as hard as I could, and then smear his worthless ass into
the wet salty ground my mother continues to cry over because of
him. Why she still cares after all these years is constantly beyond
me. I just don't see how you can let someone consume you like that.
How do you let one person determine the outcome of your entire
life? I'm never going to let someone do that to me. No one will be
that important that I'd live through the hell she does. No one.
*
Oh how naive I was then! To think, I actually
believed that I'd never fall in love. To be quite honest, I'm sure
no one else thought I would either. That was one misconception I
was glad they were wrong about.
34
JJ opened the wedding white door of his two
story home with a gleaming smile on his face. That smile quickly
fading as his eyes came
wretched their souls really were. In a way, I think I saved them.
Without me they would have continued to bully people their entire
lives. Year after year. Decade after decade. Tormenting, torturing,
belittling those they deemed unworthy. Yes, I did the world a
justice. I saved all those poor unfortunates the shame of being
harassed by arrogant assholes who, more often than not, were
actually the weaker links.
Yes, I am a savior.
I am a savior, right?
33
Dear God, I think I'm losing it. Nothing
seems right to me anymore. Am I justified or simply an unjust
demon? Why can't I see clearly anymore? My memories are so sporadic
that I am losing any notion of past and present. Did that just
happen or had it happened years ago? Thoughts and actions melting
together in swirling uncontrolled chaos. What's happening to
me?!
*
My mother sat weeping quietly at the cracked
kitchen table. Her frail hands combing comfortingly through her
dulling raven hair. I stood motionless in the shadows of the
hallway. I could tell it had been yet another failed first date.
One of seemingly hundreds these days. Why is she doing this to
herself? I wondered.
My mother had recently perked a new found
interest in dating again. Well, not exactly again. Actually, I
can't even say I remembered her dating all that much before now.
Despite her lack of practice in the wide world of love, she
suddenly acted like it was now or never and responded to almost
every offer that came her way. Unfortunately, even though her
enthusiasm seemed genuine to the outside world, inside I knew she
didn't really want to find someone else. Her heart still belonged
to my long lost father, though she'd never admit it. This lack of
subconscious knowledge or acceptance on her part now lead to
disastrous and self destructive first and last dates.
Tonight's contestant had been Vern Meyer. He
was a local guy who she met shopping at Marv's. Vern went shopping
every Saturday morning to buy exactly $20 in groceries, never less,
never more. He wasn't what anyone would call handsome, that's for
sure. He was shiny bald, not a stitch of hair on his head. Vern was
a touch on the heavy side and barely stood a few inches taller than
my mother, which she discovered when she decided to wear heels. He
was quiet, very articulate when he spoke, and all in all a pretty
nice guy. However, unbeknownst to my mother, good-natured, shy Vern
was a huge religious fanatic and spent the majority of the date
trying to convince my atheist mother to “save” her soul and repent.
Needless to say the only thing she repented was Vern's advances at
the door when he walked her home.
Thus, the sobbing mess slumped over the table
just ten feet from where I stood. I debated on whether or not to
approach her. I wanted to comfort her and tell her he wasn't good
enough anyway,
but feared I'd only embarrass her by
acknowledging I had caught her crying.
I opted to just leave her be, whether or not
that was the right choice. I watched her just a few extra minutes
as she lay her head on her arm and cried herself into a quiet
sleep. Deep sorrow boiled within me. I wanted to find my father,
shake him as hard as I could, and then smear his worthless ass into
the wet salty ground my mother continues to cry over because of
him. Why she still cares after all these years is constantly beyond
me. I just don't see how you can let someone consume you like that.
How do you let one person determine the outcome of your entire
life? I'm never going to let someone do that to me. No one will be
that important that I'd live through the hell she does. No one.
*
Oh how naive I was then! To think, I actually
believed that I'd never fall in love. To be quite honest, I'm sure
no one else thought I would either. That was one misconception I
was glad they were wrong about.
34
JJ opened the wedding white door of his two
story home with a gleaming smile on his face. That smile quickly
fading as his eyes came
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