Hallmarked Fantasies by Loh Page B

not
important enough to use any mental energy on; it may be true
enough, people say having a house and having a home are two
different whole different things although this house is the roots
of my humble upbringing.
     
    It’s already a little while past two when I
close my bedroom door while slowly sipping the now chilly
water.
     
    “ Someday, someone will resonate
with the signals I send out. It’s not a bad thing if no one does
either; everything’s a win-win right now.”
     
    After placing the cup down slowly on the desk,
I essentially leap into bed and hug myself as I display actions a
baby would do in bed. I’m splintering into various directions at
once—grief, followed by anger, then panic. The last thing I need
this late at night is to feel those either of those emotions again,
instead I force my thoughts to go the current place that would calm
me—sleep.

 
    2
     
    “ September 21.”
     
     
    “ I remember hearing from some one
that it takes much less mental energy to condemn than to
think.”
     
    I fidget my legs impatiently as I
run that quote through myself a number of times. Today my voice
trailed off much faster than expected, I could not even attempt at
recording anything meaningful.
     
    “ I get the feeling that condemning
each and every aspect of my life until calling it a life anymore
would become a stretch is a great idea; at the least it would be
much simpler to do so than continuing to contain aspirations.
Imagine I would abandon everyone and everything that has supported
me throughout my life. What if I were to begin giving up on the
education given to me and not pay back the parents who raised me by
at least allowing them to know my life would not be dangerous
before their lives come to an end.”
     
    The oven makes a high-pitched bell
sound to signal that the pizza was reheated and ready to be
eaten.
     
    “ Why would any one something as
shameful as that though? If someone was given everything on a
silver platter and is given the task of finding their way to a
happy life, why would anyone opt out of that and instead decide to
find a faster way to the end of life? Is the fact alone that our
common goal is inevitable death enough for people to find happiness
by climbing through life only to find that their goal is to fall
back down? As long as everyone enjoys that climb, is it morally
correct to judge that they lived their life wrongly because society
and human history defines it as wrong?”
     
    Nothing seemed acceptable at that
moment. I knew the pizza was ideal to be eaten in the oven, but I
refused to go retrieve it even though I was lounging around at the
kitchen table like I was a stubborn kid who was angry at their
parents for no particular reason.
     
    “ Sometimes people can just be lazy
y’know, they forget about what they want at a given time and go
astray or they don’t think their goal is achievable and won’t
accept any alternative. Humans are selfish and I’m no exception to
that, sometimes I would think that striving to isolate yourself in
comfort is a much better goal than changing history; when someone
thinks like that, their wrong, right? Being able to live life with
no worries is delusional and avoiding reality to remain in your own
small world made by reality and not give back is even more so.
Maybe if someone changes history drastically enough then they’d be
able to afford being ignorant and living in their own small world
for a time. Knowledge maybe considered the basis of power but
ignorance itself could be considered bliss.”
     
    I really am wanting to be abstract
today. Its seems like a way of avoiding getting schoolwork done if
I suffocated myself with my own thoughts; perhaps I could use less
mental effort by condemning my thoughts and continue leading my
life until I find anything that would give it an ounce of
importance, not even to society but to me personally. While
pondering this, the seafood pizza seemed to have mysteriously moved
itself