told you about, Billy Donald?—now she’s saying she ordered daffodils, but I have my original notes and it was clearly orchids from the beginning. Not that we can’t change the order, because we can, but hello? Can’t she just be honest and admit that she screwed up instead of blaming me?”
Red was thinking: “ Billy Donald”? Did this guy just refer to Billy Don as “Billy Donald”?
As Armando approached, it was fortunate that Red had a few seconds to adjust to what he was seeing. The florist was wearing very tight slacks featuring a snakeskin print, and his shirt wasn’t really a shirt, but appeared to be more of a blouse. A woman’s blouse. A bright-red silk blouse. That kind of get-up would never fly in Johnson City, but Armando was from Marble Falls—population six thousand—and Red knew that big cities were more accepting of Armando’s type.
“Orchids?” Billy Don said.
“Yes!”
“Those are so last year.”
Now Red was thinking: Did Billy Don just refer to orchids as “so last year”? This all had to be a practical joke, right? Or maybe Red had inhaled too many gas fumes when he’d filled up the truck on the way over here.
Armando said, “Oh, I know! But at this point, I just have to give her what she wants, right? It’s that or have an aneurysm.” Suddenly Armando turned and focused his attention on Red. “You must be Red. I have to say, I think you and Billy Donald will make a wonderful couple, and I support your relationship one hundred percent.”
Red’s face instantly became warm, but before he could reply, Armando let out a sharp little bark of a laugh.
“I’m just playing with you, honey,” he said. “Don’t get so freaked out.”
“Yeah, Red,” Billy Don said. “Don’t get so freaked out.”
“The look on your face was priceless!” Armando said. “You’d think I suggested a threesome.”
“Red can’t even count that high,” Billy Don said.
Red didn’t like the way this was going. Not even a little bit. Billy Don wasn’t usually a smart-aleck like this. Armando was clearly a bad influence. And it wasn’t over yet.
Armando said, “Well, anyway, Billy Donald has told me a lot about you... and I’m surprised you’re not in prison.”
Red said, “I will be if you both keep teasing me.”
“Oh, he speaks!” Armando said, sounding positively gleeful. “And quite the charmer, too!” Red had had enough. He was balling one hand into a fist when Armando added, “No wonder Billy Donald wants you to be his best man!”
Red stopped. Relaxed his hand. Took a deep breath. Best man? Okay. About damn time.
“Oops!” Armando said, looking back and forth between Red and Billy Don. “Did I let the cat out of the bag?”
“Naw, that’s okay,” Billy Don said. “That’s why we’re here. Red, Armando has volunteered to give us some advice on picking out tuxedoes. He said he needed to get a feel for your body type.”
“And don’t worry,” Armando said. “‘Get a feel’ is just a figure of speech. I promise not to touch. Somehow I’ll restrain myself.”
“So what do you say?” Billy Don said. Now he was getting down on one knee, hamming it up, pretending like it was a proposal. “Will you be my best man?”
Billy Don and Armando burst out laughing.
Red’s face was flushing again. He didn’t like being made fun of, especially by a total flamer and a halfway illiterate cedar chopper. “Y’all are hilarious,” he said. “A real comedy team.”
That only made them laugh harder. When they recovered, Billy Don stood up again and Armando said, “So... I understand you’ve been out hunting pigs. Did you catch anything?”
Red gave a derisive snort, trying to make it obvious that he thought Armando was an idiot. “You don’t catch pigs, you shoot ’em.”
“Unless you’re hunting with Red,” Billy Don said. “Then you wonder if there’s a living animal within fifty miles.”
Red glared at Billy Don, but the big man didn’t
Red was thinking: “ Billy Donald”? Did this guy just refer to Billy Don as “Billy Donald”?
As Armando approached, it was fortunate that Red had a few seconds to adjust to what he was seeing. The florist was wearing very tight slacks featuring a snakeskin print, and his shirt wasn’t really a shirt, but appeared to be more of a blouse. A woman’s blouse. A bright-red silk blouse. That kind of get-up would never fly in Johnson City, but Armando was from Marble Falls—population six thousand—and Red knew that big cities were more accepting of Armando’s type.
“Orchids?” Billy Don said.
“Yes!”
“Those are so last year.”
Now Red was thinking: Did Billy Don just refer to orchids as “so last year”? This all had to be a practical joke, right? Or maybe Red had inhaled too many gas fumes when he’d filled up the truck on the way over here.
Armando said, “Oh, I know! But at this point, I just have to give her what she wants, right? It’s that or have an aneurysm.” Suddenly Armando turned and focused his attention on Red. “You must be Red. I have to say, I think you and Billy Donald will make a wonderful couple, and I support your relationship one hundred percent.”
Red’s face instantly became warm, but before he could reply, Armando let out a sharp little bark of a laugh.
“I’m just playing with you, honey,” he said. “Don’t get so freaked out.”
“Yeah, Red,” Billy Don said. “Don’t get so freaked out.”
“The look on your face was priceless!” Armando said. “You’d think I suggested a threesome.”
“Red can’t even count that high,” Billy Don said.
Red didn’t like the way this was going. Not even a little bit. Billy Don wasn’t usually a smart-aleck like this. Armando was clearly a bad influence. And it wasn’t over yet.
Armando said, “Well, anyway, Billy Donald has told me a lot about you... and I’m surprised you’re not in prison.”
Red said, “I will be if you both keep teasing me.”
“Oh, he speaks!” Armando said, sounding positively gleeful. “And quite the charmer, too!” Red had had enough. He was balling one hand into a fist when Armando added, “No wonder Billy Donald wants you to be his best man!”
Red stopped. Relaxed his hand. Took a deep breath. Best man? Okay. About damn time.
“Oops!” Armando said, looking back and forth between Red and Billy Don. “Did I let the cat out of the bag?”
“Naw, that’s okay,” Billy Don said. “That’s why we’re here. Red, Armando has volunteered to give us some advice on picking out tuxedoes. He said he needed to get a feel for your body type.”
“And don’t worry,” Armando said. “‘Get a feel’ is just a figure of speech. I promise not to touch. Somehow I’ll restrain myself.”
“So what do you say?” Billy Don said. Now he was getting down on one knee, hamming it up, pretending like it was a proposal. “Will you be my best man?”
Billy Don and Armando burst out laughing.
Red’s face was flushing again. He didn’t like being made fun of, especially by a total flamer and a halfway illiterate cedar chopper. “Y’all are hilarious,” he said. “A real comedy team.”
That only made them laugh harder. When they recovered, Billy Don stood up again and Armando said, “So... I understand you’ve been out hunting pigs. Did you catch anything?”
Red gave a derisive snort, trying to make it obvious that he thought Armando was an idiot. “You don’t catch pigs, you shoot ’em.”
“Unless you’re hunting with Red,” Billy Don said. “Then you wonder if there’s a living animal within fifty miles.”
Red glared at Billy Don, but the big man didn’t
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