infinite Goodness will reward you according to your generosity. Be assured my brother that I am as well as can be expected. The wonder of it. I see in my diary it is 10 years & more since you came to me on my deathbed & gave me your richest blessing. Truly I am Lazarus & you the witness of it. You may say with me as it is writ Cor. I. O death where is thy victory? O death where is thy sting? But all this time I have not regained my whole strength & that most sinister Angel is not once outof my sight. I watch for him to come near me but he mocks & tarries. He tarries brother. I am put aside for him I know it. I must suppose you think me fanciful. Listen brother I heard him speak your name. You are pleased to tell me how you prosper but your time will come. Be wise to say goodbye every day to your wife Catherine for her time will come & your children their time will come.
Listen I told you of Francisco & was right to say it. He is evil & desires to do me some injury & this after I befriended him all his life. Preserve this I write to you that you may make him responsible if I die. He is one of them & goes often in the kiva & puts on their horns & hides & does worship that Serpent which even is the One our most ancient enemy. Yet he is unashamed to make one of my sacristans & brother I am most fearful to forbid it. You will be reviled I believe to hear that he lays hold of the paten & the Host & so defiles me in the sight of my enemies. Where is the Most Holy Spirit that he is not struck down at that moment? I have some expectation of it always & am disappointed. Why am I betrayed who cannot desire to betray? I am not deceived that he has been with Porcingula Pecos a vile one I assure you & she is already swoln up with it & likely diseased too God grant it. He was so fair a child & I did like to play cross with him & touch him after to make him laugh. Did I tell you once he fell in the river & was no more than 6 or 7 & I made him take off his clothes & stand naked by the fire & he was shaking & ashamed & the next day brought me piñones from the hills?
Why have you not sent me the razor & strop & a little money? I looked forward to it. The blade I have as I told you is of little use & I have only a piece of cow leather & it full of thicknesses & sores. I can make no edge upon it & so much abuse my face & am obliged to make a poor soap out of roots. Surely it is a mean thing to ask & I suppose you set yourself up there as my benefactor do you? You covet me my place with Him & do seek therefore to purchase a good word from me. Be uncertain of my good intercession brother until you have piled on your account. I have friends & patrons before you be assured & they have some better claim & to be true I scarce can get you in. You had better think hard on it your need & mine. Confide in me if it be so thatCatherine does speak ill of me. It returns on you & your children. I think she does slander me round about but you can tell me the nature of it & I will bless you outside of it & know you my best brother & my friend. You know I have the way of saving you. I have studied on it for a long time thoâ it is truly a most difficult thing but after all nothing to me.
Some days He comes to me in a sourceless light that rises on His image at my bed & then I am caught of it & shine also as with lightning on me. I think He does console me but I am not consoled thoâ I much want itâmore than all things other. He does bid me speak all my love but I cannot for I am always just then under it the whole heft of it & am mute against it as against a little mountain heaved upon me & can utter no help of the thing that is done to me. Yet I can hear it in me the cry that is lain upon & stopped in me & I wonder after that He is gone that He was not even there. Thus does He chide me & I take some humor in it for surely I would not be lost & scolded too. You can see that it is so. You can see it that there is no doubt of it at all. Would you
Listen I told you of Francisco & was right to say it. He is evil & desires to do me some injury & this after I befriended him all his life. Preserve this I write to you that you may make him responsible if I die. He is one of them & goes often in the kiva & puts on their horns & hides & does worship that Serpent which even is the One our most ancient enemy. Yet he is unashamed to make one of my sacristans & brother I am most fearful to forbid it. You will be reviled I believe to hear that he lays hold of the paten & the Host & so defiles me in the sight of my enemies. Where is the Most Holy Spirit that he is not struck down at that moment? I have some expectation of it always & am disappointed. Why am I betrayed who cannot desire to betray? I am not deceived that he has been with Porcingula Pecos a vile one I assure you & she is already swoln up with it & likely diseased too God grant it. He was so fair a child & I did like to play cross with him & touch him after to make him laugh. Did I tell you once he fell in the river & was no more than 6 or 7 & I made him take off his clothes & stand naked by the fire & he was shaking & ashamed & the next day brought me piñones from the hills?
Why have you not sent me the razor & strop & a little money? I looked forward to it. The blade I have as I told you is of little use & I have only a piece of cow leather & it full of thicknesses & sores. I can make no edge upon it & so much abuse my face & am obliged to make a poor soap out of roots. Surely it is a mean thing to ask & I suppose you set yourself up there as my benefactor do you? You covet me my place with Him & do seek therefore to purchase a good word from me. Be uncertain of my good intercession brother until you have piled on your account. I have friends & patrons before you be assured & they have some better claim & to be true I scarce can get you in. You had better think hard on it your need & mine. Confide in me if it be so thatCatherine does speak ill of me. It returns on you & your children. I think she does slander me round about but you can tell me the nature of it & I will bless you outside of it & know you my best brother & my friend. You know I have the way of saving you. I have studied on it for a long time thoâ it is truly a most difficult thing but after all nothing to me.
Some days He comes to me in a sourceless light that rises on His image at my bed & then I am caught of it & shine also as with lightning on me. I think He does console me but I am not consoled thoâ I much want itâmore than all things other. He does bid me speak all my love but I cannot for I am always just then under it the whole heft of it & am mute against it as against a little mountain heaved upon me & can utter no help of the thing that is done to me. Yet I can hear it in me the cry that is lain upon & stopped in me & I wonder after that He is gone that He was not even there. Thus does He chide me & I take some humor in it for surely I would not be lost & scolded too. You can see that it is so. You can see it that there is no doubt of it at all. Would you
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