How to Kill a Rock Star by Tiffanie Debartolo Page B

sent me to the meeting knowing what Winkle was going to say. He told me I was supposed to go alone—his way of answering my question. I reminded him that I’m not a solo artist, and he goes, “Wel , maybe you should be.
    You write the songs. You hold the crowds. You make the decisions.”
5I begged him to keep it down. He pointed to the door and said, “You didn’t tel them?”
    Hel , no, I didn’t tel them. And I asked Feldman not to tel them either. They don’t need to hear that kind of negative shit.
    Feldman ranted until he ran out of rants. He thinks I purposely try to make everything harder than it has to be and said only a fool would turn down an opportunity to sign with one of the biggest record labels in the universe. But the thing is, it took me a long time to find three guys I click with—we’re a band and we’re staying a band, and if that means we play Rings of Saturn for the rest of our lives, so be it.
    For what it’s worth, I don’t go out of my way to be difficult.
    I just want to sleep with a clear conscience and wake up with the ability to look at myself in the mirror. I also want my life to be my own. Even if it’s a shitty goddamn life, it’s stil mine.
    The night Feldman and I met, at the party of a mutual friend, Feldman hadn’t impressed me in the least. And, wel , actual y, the so-cal ed mutual friend wasn’t much of a friend. She’s what I like to cal a fleeting lapse of judgment, but I don’t real y want to get into that. Anyway, she coaxed me into playing a few songs.
    Afterward, Feldman appeared out of nowhere and fed me one of those “you’ve got star written al over you” lines. I didn’t fal for it right away. My goals have nothing to do with celestial bodies. But he was persistent. He showed an enthusiastic interest in my music, offered to manage me on the spot, paid for the rehearsal space, and even got me a social security card and driver’s license—despite the fact that Hudson is my stage name.
    Al Feldman wants out of life—and he even admits this—is to be somebody’s Brian Epstein—you know, the guy supposedly responsible for the Beatles. Feldman said he’d been searching for his McCartney or Lennon and he picked me. In the meantime, he works with 66 because they’re actual y making him money.
    Feldman was also the one who got us the residency at Rings of Saturn. A few years ago I’d shamelessly begged for a chance How to Kil _internals.rev 2/22/08 4:59 PM Page 53
    to play there, but after doing a short set for the owner of the place, the guy said my music had “too much texture,” whatever the hel that meant.
    When I asked Feldman how he managed to change the guy’s mind, he laughed and told me that as a young, struggling lawyer, he’d represented a number of New Jersey’s finest organized crime families. “I have friends in low places and they al owe me favors,” he said. “I just cashed one in.” I didn’t ask.
    After Feldman left rehearsal, we put our instruments aside in favor of getting stoned, and then spent half the night debating the most popular flavor of ice cream. Burke insisted it was chocolate, even though it’s vanil a—I actual y read this somewhere— but I was too distracted to argue about it. First, I couldn’t stop thinking about Winkle. Then I couldn’t stop thinking about Eliza, and I wondered what Michael would say if he knew I was letting my imagination run riot with his sister. He’d warned me before Eliza got to town: Hands off, he said. Keep an eye on her, be her friend if she’l let you, but no messing around.
    When I asked Vera why Michael was so obstinate, she told me that some asshole had recently broken Eliza’s heart. A drummer, no less. Hel , even I know girls should stay away from the goddamn drummers.
    Speaking of, Angelo pointed a stick at my face and told me vanil a was boring, but the thing is, I never said it was the most fun, I said it was the most popular.
    Caelum goes: “There have been studies