loved that about him—how simple he seemed to find everything. As if his neural pathways were all four-lane highways, compared to the tangled, byzantine mess inside her head.
“We had about four million movie dates, and he came to my parents’ for dinner and hung out with Caleb and Katie. He practically felt like a member of the family. And then one of my friends heard him talking to one of his friends about breaking up with me.”
She had suds all over her hands, a great pile of shampoo lather that overflowed between her fingers. Quickly, she tipped her head back and rinsed it all out.
Then the conditioner, a cool puddle cupped in her palm.
“He’d never done more than kiss me. When I realized he was going to dump me as soonas he worked up the guts, I think … I think I was actually angry with him, but it didn’t come out like anger. I thought I loved him.”
Even then she’d realized that she didn’t love him enough. She never would have married him, and he must have recognized that. It must have factored into his decision to end things.
She’d just wanted to have a boyfriend. To have sex and be normal. The problem was that Brian didn’t really think sex was a normal part of a relationship. To him, it was something that should only happen between a married couple.
“I kind of … seduced him. Not that he made it hard, or anything, but he always kept his hands above the waist, and I moved them down. Gave him permission.”
She rinsed out the conditioner and glanced through the gap in the shower curtain. Tony was leaning against the door frame, watching. Listening.
“It was bad?” he asked.
“It was terrible.” It hurt, and she bled, and then she spent the whole time wishing it would be over. “He cried afterward. Like,
really
cried. I felt awful.” Not because she thought they’d sinned, but because she’d made him do it, and she knew he would beat himself up over it forever. “And then he dumped me.”
“Was the other guy better or worse?”
“Both.”
“Tell me.”
She twirled a bar of soap between her hands and spread suds down her arm. “The thing with Brian … I wasn’t in a hurry to do it again. But then I was going out with this guy, Andy.”
One of a chain of well-meaning men pressed on her by others. Amber was happy enough to go out with them, but usually things would peter out after three or four dates. Andy had lasted longer. Met her parents. Taken her to Cleveland for a Browns game.
“Tell me, Amber.”
His voice so calm and certain, the way it was on the job site when he told the workmen what to do.
Authority and kindness. Exactly what she needed.
“I was going out with him around Christmas, and he came over here for dinner and gave me a present that was way too expensive. A flat-screen TV. And I knew when I opened it, ‘This is because he wants you to have sex with him.’ So he was a creep, right?”
It hadn’t just been the present. She’d already noticed that he wasn’t as interesting as he’d seemed at first, or as nice. And on one of their dates, he’d been rude and condescending to their waitress. Always a bad sign.
“I’d bought him a tie. Seriously, a tie. And he bought me a TV, which I don’t even really watch. But I let him sleep with me anyway, because I wanted to have done it with more than oneperson. I felt like,
I’m twenty-three, and I should know what this is like. I should be doing this
.”
Her hands skated over her breasts, lathered between her legs. Her body felt sensitized, aware, but there was nothing arousing about telling these stories. It was a purging, a necessary cleansing so she could have Tony the way she wanted him.
Honest.
“That time it didn’t hurt. It was just exactly what it was, you know? His body and my body, joined together in this really improbable way, and the whole thing with the condom, and trying to figure out where to put my arms.
“There was no way I was ever going to come, not in a million
“We had about four million movie dates, and he came to my parents’ for dinner and hung out with Caleb and Katie. He practically felt like a member of the family. And then one of my friends heard him talking to one of his friends about breaking up with me.”
She had suds all over her hands, a great pile of shampoo lather that overflowed between her fingers. Quickly, she tipped her head back and rinsed it all out.
Then the conditioner, a cool puddle cupped in her palm.
“He’d never done more than kiss me. When I realized he was going to dump me as soonas he worked up the guts, I think … I think I was actually angry with him, but it didn’t come out like anger. I thought I loved him.”
Even then she’d realized that she didn’t love him enough. She never would have married him, and he must have recognized that. It must have factored into his decision to end things.
She’d just wanted to have a boyfriend. To have sex and be normal. The problem was that Brian didn’t really think sex was a normal part of a relationship. To him, it was something that should only happen between a married couple.
“I kind of … seduced him. Not that he made it hard, or anything, but he always kept his hands above the waist, and I moved them down. Gave him permission.”
She rinsed out the conditioner and glanced through the gap in the shower curtain. Tony was leaning against the door frame, watching. Listening.
“It was bad?” he asked.
“It was terrible.” It hurt, and she bled, and then she spent the whole time wishing it would be over. “He cried afterward. Like,
really
cried. I felt awful.” Not because she thought they’d sinned, but because she’d made him do it, and she knew he would beat himself up over it forever. “And then he dumped me.”
“Was the other guy better or worse?”
“Both.”
“Tell me.”
She twirled a bar of soap between her hands and spread suds down her arm. “The thing with Brian … I wasn’t in a hurry to do it again. But then I was going out with this guy, Andy.”
One of a chain of well-meaning men pressed on her by others. Amber was happy enough to go out with them, but usually things would peter out after three or four dates. Andy had lasted longer. Met her parents. Taken her to Cleveland for a Browns game.
“Tell me, Amber.”
His voice so calm and certain, the way it was on the job site when he told the workmen what to do.
Authority and kindness. Exactly what she needed.
“I was going out with him around Christmas, and he came over here for dinner and gave me a present that was way too expensive. A flat-screen TV. And I knew when I opened it, ‘This is because he wants you to have sex with him.’ So he was a creep, right?”
It hadn’t just been the present. She’d already noticed that he wasn’t as interesting as he’d seemed at first, or as nice. And on one of their dates, he’d been rude and condescending to their waitress. Always a bad sign.
“I’d bought him a tie. Seriously, a tie. And he bought me a TV, which I don’t even really watch. But I let him sleep with me anyway, because I wanted to have done it with more than oneperson. I felt like,
I’m twenty-three, and I should know what this is like. I should be doing this
.”
Her hands skated over her breasts, lathered between her legs. Her body felt sensitized, aware, but there was nothing arousing about telling these stories. It was a purging, a necessary cleansing so she could have Tony the way she wanted him.
Honest.
“That time it didn’t hurt. It was just exactly what it was, you know? His body and my body, joined together in this really improbable way, and the whole thing with the condom, and trying to figure out where to put my arms.
“There was no way I was ever going to come, not in a million
Similar Books
