each other
like curious fish.
The lifeguard watches us and smiles.
Jason picks me up and throws me around.
Where it’s too deep for me to stand
I put my arms around Jason’s neck
and my legs around his waist.
Our bodies are still a perfect fit.
There is too much movement.
I bring my stuff from Claire’s apartment
to my parents’ house.
I get a fresh box of garbage bags
and pull out the plastic bins.
It’s time to pack up again.
i.
Rebecca and I make a pact.
Since this semester Ann is in England,
Rachel is in Italy,
Tara is in Australia,
and Jennifer is in France,
we are determined
to make new friends.
My first new friend is going to be Robyn.
She and I met last semester
while she was showing her new tattoo
to some friends we had in common.
We started talking
and I showed her my poetry.
She loved it and said
she wanted to turn one of my poems
into a book for one of her design classes.
At the beginning of the semester
Robyn makes good on her promise.
She wants to know
which poem she can have.
I give her a few to choose from
and she picks one about
going to Jeff’s apartment for the first time.
She tells me she wants me to give input about layout
and even wants to take photos of me
to illustrate the book.
On Thursday afternoon
when neither of us has classes,
we pack up her camera and props
and go into town to Jeff’s building.
Robyn wants to take photos of me
in the elevator and on the stairs.
I’m a little nervous.
That guy from my poetry class
lives in this building too,
and I haven’t spoken to him
since we hooked up.
What if he sees me?
He’ll think I’m a stalker.
Robyn and I laugh.
We feel like we are on a covert mission
as we sneak into the building.
Every time we hear someone
on the stairs or calling the elevator
I cringe.
When we finish I can’t get away
from the building fast enough.
But it’s fun being with her
and playing like little kids.
Things are good this semester.
I’ve been off medication since last spring
and my life has mostly gone back to normal.
I haven’t seen the inside
of a therapist’s office in months.
Most of the time I just daydream
about going to Paris with Rebecca
and how it’s going to be.
I think about all the countries I am going to see
and how romantic it will be to wander new streets.
I’m tired of how repetitive things are here.
Jason comes to visit
and I’m not sure if it’s to see me
or his other friend who goes to
school here.
Robyn and I go to a party with Jason
where his other friend will be.
It’s not a crowd I would hang out with
if he weren’t here.
At the party, Robyn and I wander around the house
as Jason makes friends
with everyone in the room.
Robyn and I go upstairs
and before I can even take a seat,
Robyn is gone.
I find her outside on the porch.
I ask what’s going on,
and she says she needs to leave.
I don’t understand.
She says that when we walked upstairs
she saw a guy she has a crush on doing coke.
She’s crying,
and I don’t understand.
Her reaction is too intense.
She says that a year ago
a friend of hers was really depressed,
got into coke,
and killed himself.
She says she can’t be here.
I flip into action mode.
If she needs to leave,
then we will leave right then
and walk the mile back to campus.
Part of me doesn’t want to leave Jason.
I never get to see him, but this is more important.
I find Jason, tell him we’re leaving,
and tell him to call me
when he wants to come back to my room
for the night.
Robyn and I are walking,
arms around each other,
and she tells me about her friend.
I try to get her to think about happy times
they had together and she calms down
a little.
We only get a few blocks
when we hear Jason behind us.
As the three of us walk back to campus
we pass a giant pile of leaves.
It is calling to be played in.
Jason dives in first,
then Robyn,
then me.
The leaves smell amazing,
dried and smoky.
We look like little kids
as we swim around
and toss leaves at each other.
I can’t remember the last time I
like curious fish.
The lifeguard watches us and smiles.
Jason picks me up and throws me around.
Where it’s too deep for me to stand
I put my arms around Jason’s neck
and my legs around his waist.
Our bodies are still a perfect fit.
There is too much movement.
I bring my stuff from Claire’s apartment
to my parents’ house.
I get a fresh box of garbage bags
and pull out the plastic bins.
It’s time to pack up again.
i.
Rebecca and I make a pact.
Since this semester Ann is in England,
Rachel is in Italy,
Tara is in Australia,
and Jennifer is in France,
we are determined
to make new friends.
My first new friend is going to be Robyn.
She and I met last semester
while she was showing her new tattoo
to some friends we had in common.
We started talking
and I showed her my poetry.
She loved it and said
she wanted to turn one of my poems
into a book for one of her design classes.
At the beginning of the semester
Robyn makes good on her promise.
She wants to know
which poem she can have.
I give her a few to choose from
and she picks one about
going to Jeff’s apartment for the first time.
She tells me she wants me to give input about layout
and even wants to take photos of me
to illustrate the book.
On Thursday afternoon
when neither of us has classes,
we pack up her camera and props
and go into town to Jeff’s building.
Robyn wants to take photos of me
in the elevator and on the stairs.
I’m a little nervous.
That guy from my poetry class
lives in this building too,
and I haven’t spoken to him
since we hooked up.
What if he sees me?
He’ll think I’m a stalker.
Robyn and I laugh.
We feel like we are on a covert mission
as we sneak into the building.
Every time we hear someone
on the stairs or calling the elevator
I cringe.
When we finish I can’t get away
from the building fast enough.
But it’s fun being with her
and playing like little kids.
Things are good this semester.
I’ve been off medication since last spring
and my life has mostly gone back to normal.
I haven’t seen the inside
of a therapist’s office in months.
Most of the time I just daydream
about going to Paris with Rebecca
and how it’s going to be.
I think about all the countries I am going to see
and how romantic it will be to wander new streets.
I’m tired of how repetitive things are here.
Jason comes to visit
and I’m not sure if it’s to see me
or his other friend who goes to
school here.
Robyn and I go to a party with Jason
where his other friend will be.
It’s not a crowd I would hang out with
if he weren’t here.
At the party, Robyn and I wander around the house
as Jason makes friends
with everyone in the room.
Robyn and I go upstairs
and before I can even take a seat,
Robyn is gone.
I find her outside on the porch.
I ask what’s going on,
and she says she needs to leave.
I don’t understand.
She says that when we walked upstairs
she saw a guy she has a crush on doing coke.
She’s crying,
and I don’t understand.
Her reaction is too intense.
She says that a year ago
a friend of hers was really depressed,
got into coke,
and killed himself.
She says she can’t be here.
I flip into action mode.
If she needs to leave,
then we will leave right then
and walk the mile back to campus.
Part of me doesn’t want to leave Jason.
I never get to see him, but this is more important.
I find Jason, tell him we’re leaving,
and tell him to call me
when he wants to come back to my room
for the night.
Robyn and I are walking,
arms around each other,
and she tells me about her friend.
I try to get her to think about happy times
they had together and she calms down
a little.
We only get a few blocks
when we hear Jason behind us.
As the three of us walk back to campus
we pass a giant pile of leaves.
It is calling to be played in.
Jason dives in first,
then Robyn,
then me.
The leaves smell amazing,
dried and smoky.
We look like little kids
as we swim around
and toss leaves at each other.
I can’t remember the last time I
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