I Want My Epidural Back by Karen Alpert Page A

Newtown story has literally made me act like a crazy person. It’s what makes me take the longer route home from the library. Not every day, but once in a while. Why?
    Because the longer route means I can drive by my daughter’s school.
    About a block away, I start looking for flashing lights. Are there any cop cars or fire engines? Nope, the school looks peaceful from the outside. But Newtown probably looked peaceful from the outside too. At least until everyone started running out. And then I’m closer to the school and I see a man going in. Is he a workman or a teacher or is he some messed-up kind of psychopath who has two guns under his coat that he’s going to whip out when he gets to the office? My mind starts to go to a bad place, but then I see that he’s just a sandwich delivery guy. Phew. But I hate that I even think this way. It cannot be normal.
    And sometimes when Zoey’s jumping out of the car in the morning, I make her jump back in to give me a kiss or I’m careful to yell, “I love you!!” even though three minutes earlier I was going ballistic on her because she wouldn’t put her seat belt on. I make sure that last moment when I say good-bye for the day is extra loving. Because what if it’s the last time?
    I can’t be totally crazy because I’m not the only one who’s thinking about the worst-case scenario. One day earlier this year, Zoey came home from school and told me they practiced a lockdown drill, you know, in case a skunk got into the building. That’swhat they told the kids since they’re only kindergarteners and how can they tell a bunch of kindergarteners that it’s actually because a crazy man went into a school in Newtown and sprayed all the first graders with bullets and turned all those sweet little babies into angels. No, we can’t tell kindergarteners that.
    I guess I’m a grown-up so I can handle it. But not really.

    (Zoey and I both just farted at the same time)

    ZOEY: Jinx fart.

    Who the hell knew that if two people fart at the same time, it’s a jinx fart? My kindergartener might not know how to read yet, but she’s learned what a jinx fart is at school. Awesome.

    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  Dear Zoey’s school,
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  I want my money back.

Every. F’ing. Night.

    ZOEY: Can I have dessert?

    ME: You haven’t touched your carrots.

    ZOEY: Can I have dessert if I eat them?

    ME: This isn’t about dessert. This is about putting healthy things in our bodies.

    ZOEY: But how many do I have to eat to get dessert?

    ME: It’s not about how many. Just eat some of them.

    ZOEY: But how many?!!

    ME: Why don’t you start with one?

    ZOEY: Will that be enough to get dessert?

    ME: We might not have dessert tonight.

    ZOEY: If I eat my carrots can I have dessert?

    ME: AGGGGHHHH, stop saying the word dessert and just eat some!!!!!!

    ZOEY: They’re cold.

    ME: No shit, Sherlock. Because we’ve been sitting here for like 6,000 hours talking about dessert.

    ZOEY: They’re freeeeezing.

    ME: Fine, I’ll nuke them.

    ZOEY: Now they’re too hot.

    ME: Just wait a minute. They’ll cool down.

    ZOEY: Then they’ll be too cold.

    ME: I’ll bet they’re fine now.

    ZOEY: What are we having for dessert?

    ME: I don’t know.

    ZOEY: Can I have ice cream for dessert?

    ME: If you eat your carrots.

    ZOEY: But how many?

    ME: Oh my gawwwwd, how many times are you going to ask me that?!!!!

    ZOEY: How many? How many? How many? How many?

    ME: Fine, three.

    ZOEY: Three bites?

    ME: Three carrots.

    ZOEY: Ugggh, that is SO many.

    ME: Fine, don’t eat any.

    ZOEY: But then I can’t