out what I really wanted. That would be you, Evan. Cheer up.”
“I can’t leave Sylvia,” I said. “Not after all she’s done to me. For me. I could never forgive myself.”
Helen fished around in a silvered purse. “Silly. The metaprogrammers do the forgiving. I’ve got a car, a gun, and two million in cash, off-shore digital. I did accounting for the Enclave. If they go through with the suicide, they won’t need the money. If they don’t—” she shrugged “—they get what they deserve for being assholes.”
“Assholes,” Faith piped up from Helen’s knee.
“Assholes.” We all agreed. The Enclave sucked.
“We’re headed to Galt,” Helen said. “I’ll buy us Oceanian passports. We can’t be extradited. Wanna come?”
I chewed my lip. A habit I dislike in other people. “I can’t.”
“Don’t be stupid, Evan. You can do anything you want to. You won’t feel guilt. Just take this.”
She held out a single capsule crawling with microprint. I took it from her and read the tiny black animated letters.
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law , it read.
***
He went with her. Can you believe it?
***
“Why?” I asked.
Helen sped through the gatehouse of our complex. My bare feet gritted against the SUV’s filthy carpeting, rustling through sedimentary layers of fast-food takeout bins and collapsed drink bulbs.
“Why what?” Helen didn’t look at me.
Faith was babbling something in the back, bouncing up and down in her carseat. I wondered what I meant, too.
“Why me?” I decided on. “You married…what was his name?”
“Dean. Who turned out to be sterile.”
“Did he know? I mean, about Faith not being his?”
Helen laughed. “Christ no! Faith was our miracle child. I guess I wanted something to remember you by.”
“You said I’d burn in hell.”
“You probably will,” Helen said with a half smile. “At least we’ll have each other.”
I pondered that. The car smelled bad, that kid smell, pee and car sickness. My left foot encountered something sticky. I repressed a shudder.
“You have a slate?”
“Glove compartment,” she said. “Who you wanna call?”
“Who do you think?”
“Oh. Sure.” Helen frowned. “I can’t believe you left her really. Did you take the programmer yet?”
“No. I’m not sure I want to. I haven’t felt right since I took the cure. Since then I’ve felt happy about nothing. Just happy to be alive, you know?”
Helen nodded. “Pharmteks tinker with neurotransmitters. They can’t really change you. It’s like emulating a new personality in software. Metaprogrammers change the hardware. The wetware. It’s permanent, and there’s no cognitive dissonance.”
“How do I know I’m still me afterwards?”
“You don’t. Sharp tools. So think clearly about what you ask for.”
“What did you do to yourself?”
Helen’s eyes scanned the road. “I’m who I always wanted to be.”
“I’m hungry, Mom,” Faith piped from the back seat. “I have to pee.”
“I’m free,” Helen whispered.
***
Dear Sylvia,
I want to say I’m sorry, but I always say I’m sorry, and I keep doing these things, so I guess it’s stupid to apologize. Sorry doesn’t mean shit.
I’ve left you.
I never wanted to take the cure. I haven’t felt right since. I don’t think I’m meant to feel good, somehow. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this years ago. I guess I didn’t know.
I take responsibility for being a prick. I fully expect you’ll hate me forever. I’ll be lucky if you don’t put a BlackNet hit out on me. Maybe you should.
The weird thing is, I love you. But being with you was killing me. I don’t know what to say. Everything I had is yours. I know it isn’t much. Take the joint checking account. Take it all.
I’m sorry.
Damn. I wasn’t going to say that.
Evan
***
I thumbprinted this kilobyte of lameness and hit send. My stomach was doing 360s. I immediately wanted to take the message back. I
“I can’t leave Sylvia,” I said. “Not after all she’s done to me. For me. I could never forgive myself.”
Helen fished around in a silvered purse. “Silly. The metaprogrammers do the forgiving. I’ve got a car, a gun, and two million in cash, off-shore digital. I did accounting for the Enclave. If they go through with the suicide, they won’t need the money. If they don’t—” she shrugged “—they get what they deserve for being assholes.”
“Assholes,” Faith piped up from Helen’s knee.
“Assholes.” We all agreed. The Enclave sucked.
“We’re headed to Galt,” Helen said. “I’ll buy us Oceanian passports. We can’t be extradited. Wanna come?”
I chewed my lip. A habit I dislike in other people. “I can’t.”
“Don’t be stupid, Evan. You can do anything you want to. You won’t feel guilt. Just take this.”
She held out a single capsule crawling with microprint. I took it from her and read the tiny black animated letters.
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law , it read.
***
He went with her. Can you believe it?
***
“Why?” I asked.
Helen sped through the gatehouse of our complex. My bare feet gritted against the SUV’s filthy carpeting, rustling through sedimentary layers of fast-food takeout bins and collapsed drink bulbs.
“Why what?” Helen didn’t look at me.
Faith was babbling something in the back, bouncing up and down in her carseat. I wondered what I meant, too.
“Why me?” I decided on. “You married…what was his name?”
“Dean. Who turned out to be sterile.”
“Did he know? I mean, about Faith not being his?”
Helen laughed. “Christ no! Faith was our miracle child. I guess I wanted something to remember you by.”
“You said I’d burn in hell.”
“You probably will,” Helen said with a half smile. “At least we’ll have each other.”
I pondered that. The car smelled bad, that kid smell, pee and car sickness. My left foot encountered something sticky. I repressed a shudder.
“You have a slate?”
“Glove compartment,” she said. “Who you wanna call?”
“Who do you think?”
“Oh. Sure.” Helen frowned. “I can’t believe you left her really. Did you take the programmer yet?”
“No. I’m not sure I want to. I haven’t felt right since I took the cure. Since then I’ve felt happy about nothing. Just happy to be alive, you know?”
Helen nodded. “Pharmteks tinker with neurotransmitters. They can’t really change you. It’s like emulating a new personality in software. Metaprogrammers change the hardware. The wetware. It’s permanent, and there’s no cognitive dissonance.”
“How do I know I’m still me afterwards?”
“You don’t. Sharp tools. So think clearly about what you ask for.”
“What did you do to yourself?”
Helen’s eyes scanned the road. “I’m who I always wanted to be.”
“I’m hungry, Mom,” Faith piped from the back seat. “I have to pee.”
“I’m free,” Helen whispered.
***
Dear Sylvia,
I want to say I’m sorry, but I always say I’m sorry, and I keep doing these things, so I guess it’s stupid to apologize. Sorry doesn’t mean shit.
I’ve left you.
I never wanted to take the cure. I haven’t felt right since. I don’t think I’m meant to feel good, somehow. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this years ago. I guess I didn’t know.
I take responsibility for being a prick. I fully expect you’ll hate me forever. I’ll be lucky if you don’t put a BlackNet hit out on me. Maybe you should.
The weird thing is, I love you. But being with you was killing me. I don’t know what to say. Everything I had is yours. I know it isn’t much. Take the joint checking account. Take it all.
I’m sorry.
Damn. I wasn’t going to say that.
Evan
***
I thumbprinted this kilobyte of lameness and hit send. My stomach was doing 360s. I immediately wanted to take the message back. I
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