Irises by Francisco X. Stork Page B

sooner the better. Marrying Simon would have eased the family’s burden even when Father was alive; how much more would it do that now? Love makes everything that is heavy light , her father had said. But did she love Simon?
    â€œI guess I need to know if you’d be willing to let me take care of you. I’m not that good with words. It’s not just takin g car e of you, you know what I mean, providing for you. I care for you. I . . . I love you. I never said that before. I never said it to anyone, but you know I’ve always felt that.”
    She reached over, squeezed his hand, and then looked away. “Thank you,” she said.
    She felt the weight of silence. She knew he was waiting for her to say she loved him, but she couldn’t bring herself to speak the words.
    He went on, disappointment in his voice, “I know I’m not the most exciting guy out there, but I’m dependable and respectful and I would never do anything to hurt you.”
    â€œSimon, I know all that. I just don’t know if I can give you the kind of assurances you want right now.”
    â€œI’ve been patient,” he said. He sounded impatient when he said it.
    â€œPatient?”
    â€œYou’re always studying. When we get together, it’s to do homework or research. We never do anything fun. We hardly even make out.”
    â€œWe make out all the time.”
    â€œOnce a week, maybe, and you always put a stop to it after a short while. You know what I mean,” he said. He didn’t sound like he was complaining; he sounded like he was marshaling his evidence to show she was not affectionate.
    â€œI didn’t know that bothered you.”
    â€œIt doesn’t bother me. But I’m a guy. I’m trying to tell you I never asked anything from you.”
    â€œI don’t get it,” Kate said. “What exactly are you asking for now? I thought you were talking about making a more formal commitment, like an engagement. Now it sounds like you’re saying we haven’t been intimate enough.”
    â€œNo, that’s not what I meant. I meant that we’ve been in the same place for a long time. I know your father let me go out with you because he trusted me, and I never wanted to let him down. I just think that now we should move on to the next step. I don’t even know if it’s engagement. It may be going straight to marriage.”
    â€œWe would go from being boyfriend and girlfriend, skipping pre-engagement and engagement, straight to marriage.” She couldn’t help poking fun at him. “First you tell my aunt we’re pre-engaged without even talking to me, and now you want to get married without actually proposing.”
    â€œOh, man. I really botched this up. Can I start over again?”
    Kate looked at the neighbors’ house. Mr. and Mrs. Domínguez had lived in that house for thirty-five years. Their children had grown up and gotten married, and now a rusty swing set stood in the backyard, used now and then by the grandchildren. Kate thought of the Domínguezes’ living room. It was carpeted with a thick, burgundy carpet. A wine-colored sofa and armchair surrounded a giant TV screen. An armoire full of porcelain angels that Mrs. Domínguez collected at yard sales stood in the corner. Every time Kate visited the Domínguezes, she imagined what it would be like to spend her life in that living room. Was she wrong in thinking there was more to life than that? Why did she fear she would end up in that living room forever if she married Simon?
    Simon was dependable, respectful, hardworking. He didn’t drink or belong to a gang. She had been his first serious girlfriend even though many other girls had been after him. They were comfortable around each other and never once did Kate feel discontented with what they had. She knew Simon would have sex with her if she let him, but she never felt strongly enough about him to have sex.