inhale.
I dug my shoes into the sandy hillside. Sharp branches scratched at my legs, but I didn’t stop. The pain felt good—a welcome relief to the misery making sludge in my veins.
When I reached the top, I collapsed and threw up. Retching and heaving were the only sounds that carried through the still desert.
My shirt rubbed against my skin as I twisted, and a savage instinct took over. I stripped off my shirt and rolled onto my back to get my jeans off, flinging them both as far as I could down the other side of the hill. I screamed until the sound scraped my throat raw. My chest constricted, and tears choked all feeling from the rest of my body, streaming out of my eyes in waves of hate and grief.
I was never going to see him again. He was gone…like my mom.
I fell into gray numbness. Sobbing. Convulsing. Curled into a ball with rocks scraping and denting my skin. I didn’t know how long I was there. The top of the hill overlooked a silent, starlit valley. It was so quiet I could hear my heartbeat more than anything else, forcing me to keep living when all I wanted to do was join them. Grandpa believed in a heaven. Maybe my mom did, too. I’d go there now if it meant plugging these two open wounds in my chest.
Eventually, Ria came and pulled me up so she could get a blanket around me. She held me like her mother never had for her, like my mother never had for me.
Nate appeared a little while later and walked down the opposite hillside. He came back with my clothes in hand—what was left of Grandpa’s body still visible as ever.
I recoiled slightly, my stomach knotting again as he laid them at my feet and kneeled down in front of me. “I know you’re mad at me—and you should be, I know that—but watch this.”
He moved to the side, cupped his hands slightly, and scratched at the earth like a dog with super speed. His arms were a blur as dirt streamed out like water from a fountain.
I massaged my eyes to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating.
He stood, and there was a two foot deep hole in front of us.
“Impressive.” Ria nodded, her lower lip puffed out and her eyebrows raised.
Nate smiled briefly, his freckled jaw tense as the red hair on his head flitted in the breeze. “I know we can’t have a traditional ceremony, but it’s something.” He lifted the wad of ashen clothes and set it in the hole.
I wiped my eyes, oscillating between feeling complete misery and nothing at all. Ria started crying.
“Do you want to say anything?” Nate said, crouching down next to the pile of loose dirt.
“I’m going to miss you, Grampy.” Ria choked up and squeezed her arm around my shoulder.
Nate nodded. “It was an honor, Sir. I’m sorry.” He clamped his teeth together so hard I thought they might crack.
I shifted into a new position. What could I say? It wasn’t like he could hear me. I wished he could.
“I love you,” I whispered before another wave of grief wracked my chest.
Nate sniffed and shook his head violently at high speed. No emotion remained on his face when he finished. He filled the hole.
The silence that followed persisted until it was like another person sitting beside us. Part of me pretended it was Grandpa sitting there but not talking, maybe laughing at how small his grave was. That was definitely something he would do.
I leaned forward and placed a rock on top of the loosely packed dirt. I could have stayed there forever, but eventually, Ria supported me back down the hill, Nate just in front of us.
“Do you need any help?” Nate turned around when we came to a particularly steep part.
“Eyes front, Soldier,” I said, reaching to wrap the blanket tighter around me and finding that Ria had already done it, her scowl deep enough to make Nate blush.
“I didn’t mean—it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”
I grinned at his discomfort, the playful position of my lips sore, like my face had resigned itself to not use those muscles again.
“You’ve never even
I dug my shoes into the sandy hillside. Sharp branches scratched at my legs, but I didn’t stop. The pain felt good—a welcome relief to the misery making sludge in my veins.
When I reached the top, I collapsed and threw up. Retching and heaving were the only sounds that carried through the still desert.
My shirt rubbed against my skin as I twisted, and a savage instinct took over. I stripped off my shirt and rolled onto my back to get my jeans off, flinging them both as far as I could down the other side of the hill. I screamed until the sound scraped my throat raw. My chest constricted, and tears choked all feeling from the rest of my body, streaming out of my eyes in waves of hate and grief.
I was never going to see him again. He was gone…like my mom.
I fell into gray numbness. Sobbing. Convulsing. Curled into a ball with rocks scraping and denting my skin. I didn’t know how long I was there. The top of the hill overlooked a silent, starlit valley. It was so quiet I could hear my heartbeat more than anything else, forcing me to keep living when all I wanted to do was join them. Grandpa believed in a heaven. Maybe my mom did, too. I’d go there now if it meant plugging these two open wounds in my chest.
Eventually, Ria came and pulled me up so she could get a blanket around me. She held me like her mother never had for her, like my mother never had for me.
Nate appeared a little while later and walked down the opposite hillside. He came back with my clothes in hand—what was left of Grandpa’s body still visible as ever.
I recoiled slightly, my stomach knotting again as he laid them at my feet and kneeled down in front of me. “I know you’re mad at me—and you should be, I know that—but watch this.”
He moved to the side, cupped his hands slightly, and scratched at the earth like a dog with super speed. His arms were a blur as dirt streamed out like water from a fountain.
I massaged my eyes to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating.
He stood, and there was a two foot deep hole in front of us.
“Impressive.” Ria nodded, her lower lip puffed out and her eyebrows raised.
Nate smiled briefly, his freckled jaw tense as the red hair on his head flitted in the breeze. “I know we can’t have a traditional ceremony, but it’s something.” He lifted the wad of ashen clothes and set it in the hole.
I wiped my eyes, oscillating between feeling complete misery and nothing at all. Ria started crying.
“Do you want to say anything?” Nate said, crouching down next to the pile of loose dirt.
“I’m going to miss you, Grampy.” Ria choked up and squeezed her arm around my shoulder.
Nate nodded. “It was an honor, Sir. I’m sorry.” He clamped his teeth together so hard I thought they might crack.
I shifted into a new position. What could I say? It wasn’t like he could hear me. I wished he could.
“I love you,” I whispered before another wave of grief wracked my chest.
Nate sniffed and shook his head violently at high speed. No emotion remained on his face when he finished. He filled the hole.
The silence that followed persisted until it was like another person sitting beside us. Part of me pretended it was Grandpa sitting there but not talking, maybe laughing at how small his grave was. That was definitely something he would do.
I leaned forward and placed a rock on top of the loosely packed dirt. I could have stayed there forever, but eventually, Ria supported me back down the hill, Nate just in front of us.
“Do you need any help?” Nate turned around when we came to a particularly steep part.
“Eyes front, Soldier,” I said, reaching to wrap the blanket tighter around me and finding that Ria had already done it, her scowl deep enough to make Nate blush.
“I didn’t mean—it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”
I grinned at his discomfort, the playful position of my lips sore, like my face had resigned itself to not use those muscles again.
“You’ve never even
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