well.
She wondered, What would he think when she told him what she’d inadvertently done? What would Karin think? She knew they would
support her, no matter what, and part of her wanted to call Eli back inside right now and confess. But at the moment, she
was far too ashamed and stunned to speak.
The enormity of the situation was only just beginning to sink in. She knew she was being reckless when she decided to sleep
with Ron. But she hadn’t realized just how
big
the risk was, how far and wide the consequences reached.
Some of her neighbors and customers would look down on her—another unwed mother with no respect for the sanctity of family.
Eli might be affected too—they’d always taken great pains to never talk with each other about their sex lives, or romance,
or anything too intimately female or male. But all that was about to change. Lana worried that her best friend would feel
alienated when her belly grew big. It would be like flaunting her sex life—and her irresponsibility—in his face.
Karin and Gene too would be affected by the shock waves—poor Karin, who had wanted her own baby so badly and for so long.
How on earth would Lana tell her? She might as well confess that she’d stolen for herself the experience that Karin had wanted
all along.
Ron would be affected too, though she had no idea how she was going to get in touch with him to tell him what had happened.
She didn’t have his number or his e-mail address, and she didn’t know where he lived. With the exception of her birthday,
their dates had never been preplanned. She’d liked the spontaneity of being with him, of not knowing when he would drop by.
He was a nonconformist, a wanderer—and he probably wouldn’t want to parent anyone’s child, not even his own.
Then there was the baby to consider—it deserved a good and loving home to grow up in. But Lana wasn’t sure she could give
a good life to a child, even if she wanted to. She simply wasn’t cut out for the job.
She banged her fist against the door. She loved her life as it stood right now. She loved the Wildflower Barn and she loved
working with her sister. She loved not having a mortgage, or a car payment, or even a dog. She loved that her life was fundamentally
good, and she also loved that she stood on the brink of something even better, something out of a fantasy. As a young girl,
she’d watched men coming and going—servants of the open road—but she’d never let herself become bitter over the fact that
her lot in life was to stay home. Eli was a traveler. Ron too. And Lana had pinned all her hopes on the idea that she could
level the playing field—that despite her obligations she was as much entitled to freedom of movement as all her male counterparts.
But now… now she was pregnant. Her uterus was dictating her future, doomed her to it in a way.
She leaned her forehead against the window. Of course, there was a way to end all this doubt, fear, and self-hatred: The prospect
of abortion flitted through her mind. But could she go through with it?
She’d always been a free spirit—an adolescent who had petitioned town hall to permit skateboarding in public parks, a teenager
who had loved the Grateful Dead, and a college student who had regularly protested political injustice. It hadn’t been a stretch
to conclude that women were better off deciding for themselves whether abortion was right or wrong.
But in her heart, her personal instinct had always been to protect life in all its forms—whether that meant using organic
fertilizers over synthetics, or choosing soy products over meat. Abortion was a choice, but it wasn’t a choice for her. If
she gave in to the temptation of abortion, she would lose a fundamental part of her identity—and she would never be able to
live with herself again.
Through the window she watched Eli jerk open the heavy green door of his VW Bug. In the few moments that had passed
She wondered, What would he think when she told him what she’d inadvertently done? What would Karin think? She knew they would
support her, no matter what, and part of her wanted to call Eli back inside right now and confess. But at the moment, she
was far too ashamed and stunned to speak.
The enormity of the situation was only just beginning to sink in. She knew she was being reckless when she decided to sleep
with Ron. But she hadn’t realized just how
big
the risk was, how far and wide the consequences reached.
Some of her neighbors and customers would look down on her—another unwed mother with no respect for the sanctity of family.
Eli might be affected too—they’d always taken great pains to never talk with each other about their sex lives, or romance,
or anything too intimately female or male. But all that was about to change. Lana worried that her best friend would feel
alienated when her belly grew big. It would be like flaunting her sex life—and her irresponsibility—in his face.
Karin and Gene too would be affected by the shock waves—poor Karin, who had wanted her own baby so badly and for so long.
How on earth would Lana tell her? She might as well confess that she’d stolen for herself the experience that Karin had wanted
all along.
Ron would be affected too, though she had no idea how she was going to get in touch with him to tell him what had happened.
She didn’t have his number or his e-mail address, and she didn’t know where he lived. With the exception of her birthday,
their dates had never been preplanned. She’d liked the spontaneity of being with him, of not knowing when he would drop by.
He was a nonconformist, a wanderer—and he probably wouldn’t want to parent anyone’s child, not even his own.
Then there was the baby to consider—it deserved a good and loving home to grow up in. But Lana wasn’t sure she could give
a good life to a child, even if she wanted to. She simply wasn’t cut out for the job.
She banged her fist against the door. She loved her life as it stood right now. She loved the Wildflower Barn and she loved
working with her sister. She loved not having a mortgage, or a car payment, or even a dog. She loved that her life was fundamentally
good, and she also loved that she stood on the brink of something even better, something out of a fantasy. As a young girl,
she’d watched men coming and going—servants of the open road—but she’d never let herself become bitter over the fact that
her lot in life was to stay home. Eli was a traveler. Ron too. And Lana had pinned all her hopes on the idea that she could
level the playing field—that despite her obligations she was as much entitled to freedom of movement as all her male counterparts.
But now… now she was pregnant. Her uterus was dictating her future, doomed her to it in a way.
She leaned her forehead against the window. Of course, there was a way to end all this doubt, fear, and self-hatred: The prospect
of abortion flitted through her mind. But could she go through with it?
She’d always been a free spirit—an adolescent who had petitioned town hall to permit skateboarding in public parks, a teenager
who had loved the Grateful Dead, and a college student who had regularly protested political injustice. It hadn’t been a stretch
to conclude that women were better off deciding for themselves whether abortion was right or wrong.
But in her heart, her personal instinct had always been to protect life in all its forms—whether that meant using organic
fertilizers over synthetics, or choosing soy products over meat. Abortion was a choice, but it wasn’t a choice for her. If
she gave in to the temptation of abortion, she would lose a fundamental part of her identity—and she would never be able to
live with herself again.
Through the window she watched Eli jerk open the heavy green door of his VW Bug. In the few moments that had passed
Similar Books
