one another, always giving the other the benefit of the doubt, always asking questions, always listening, always encouraging and allowing for growth. We are constantly changing as a couple, and our kids are constantly growing.
Before I was a mom, I was a stepmom. Not a role I ever imagined for myself, but one I have embraced with zeal, taking (pacifist) aim at every wicked stepmother story on the library shelf. I met Rosena at a War Resisters League meeting when she was just two months old. Patrick had come to show off his dark-haired, blue-eyed wonder child. She cozied up in my arms and promptly fell asleep. When Patrick took her away, joking that I was bogarting his baby, I laughed as I handed her over. But I felt a strange sense of loss that I did not understand until all of a sudden I was living with her in an apartment in New London four years later.
She accepted me right away, making room for me in her already busy, bustling family. Rosena’s “big loving family” includes her mom, Patrick’s parents “Nana and Papa,” and Patrick’s sister and brother-in-law, Annie and Chris. And now my mom and the rest of my family swells its ranks even further. At school, to her friends and teachers, she refers to me as “My Frida.” I was not really surprised to be so lovingly embraced by this four-year-old child when Patrick and I fell in love. In a way, it seemed like cosmic payback for embracing all sorts of random grown-ups and their roles in my life when I was a kid. But I was surprised by how comfortable I was with the family arrangement of three days with Rosena, four without, then four days with and three days without. I always looked forward to her coming to our house and I also appreciated the slower, quieter pace that emerged when she was with her mom.
And, I was surprised by how readily Rosena’s mom made room for me. I never felt like I had to compete with her for Rosena’s affection, respect, or attention. I never felt judged for my slipups and failings, which I tried to candidly share in long, detailed reports about Rosena’s time with us. From the beginning, Rosena’s mom welcomed me onto Team Raise Rosena. Am I ever proud to wear that jersey!
Her mom celebrates holidays and birthdays with us and Rosena appreciates seeing us all interact with compassion, respect, and warmth. We do not always agree, and there have been some tough episodes, but all Rosena sees is her family working together to figure it all out. I love this girl with a boundless and joyful heart. I see so much of my husband in her. I never questioned who I was to her and I never worried that she did not love me. I was, from the beginning, Rosena’s “My Frida,” and that moniker means the world to me. It was totally new and foreign, and yet it felt like home. I can be impatient, she can be heedless. I can be sharp, she can be stubborn. But we are always both learning how to be together.
When I gave birth to Seamus, I took on a new role with Rosena, as the mother of her little brother. Now I am the mother of her little sister too. I have three children half of every week and two children all the time.
And it is a challenge. I struggle with how to be present to the needs of three very different ages and personalities. When Rosena is at our house, Seamus wants to be wherever she is and be doing whatever she is doing. She relishes his attention and adoration, but tires quickly of his grabby-ness and wrecking-ball energy. I welcome the breathing room that comes when he transfers his affection from me to her, and I try to get as much done as I can while he is shadowing her every move. Although Rosena is a conscientious big sister, she is only seven and I need to remind myself sometimes that she is not capable of taking care of Seamus for long stretches of time. She can play with him while I wash dishes or get dinner started, and she loves it, but I can’t put her in charge of him.
Rosena and I have been practicing “ask for what you
Before I was a mom, I was a stepmom. Not a role I ever imagined for myself, but one I have embraced with zeal, taking (pacifist) aim at every wicked stepmother story on the library shelf. I met Rosena at a War Resisters League meeting when she was just two months old. Patrick had come to show off his dark-haired, blue-eyed wonder child. She cozied up in my arms and promptly fell asleep. When Patrick took her away, joking that I was bogarting his baby, I laughed as I handed her over. But I felt a strange sense of loss that I did not understand until all of a sudden I was living with her in an apartment in New London four years later.
She accepted me right away, making room for me in her already busy, bustling family. Rosena’s “big loving family” includes her mom, Patrick’s parents “Nana and Papa,” and Patrick’s sister and brother-in-law, Annie and Chris. And now my mom and the rest of my family swells its ranks even further. At school, to her friends and teachers, she refers to me as “My Frida.” I was not really surprised to be so lovingly embraced by this four-year-old child when Patrick and I fell in love. In a way, it seemed like cosmic payback for embracing all sorts of random grown-ups and their roles in my life when I was a kid. But I was surprised by how comfortable I was with the family arrangement of three days with Rosena, four without, then four days with and three days without. I always looked forward to her coming to our house and I also appreciated the slower, quieter pace that emerged when she was with her mom.
And, I was surprised by how readily Rosena’s mom made room for me. I never felt like I had to compete with her for Rosena’s affection, respect, or attention. I never felt judged for my slipups and failings, which I tried to candidly share in long, detailed reports about Rosena’s time with us. From the beginning, Rosena’s mom welcomed me onto Team Raise Rosena. Am I ever proud to wear that jersey!
Her mom celebrates holidays and birthdays with us and Rosena appreciates seeing us all interact with compassion, respect, and warmth. We do not always agree, and there have been some tough episodes, but all Rosena sees is her family working together to figure it all out. I love this girl with a boundless and joyful heart. I see so much of my husband in her. I never questioned who I was to her and I never worried that she did not love me. I was, from the beginning, Rosena’s “My Frida,” and that moniker means the world to me. It was totally new and foreign, and yet it felt like home. I can be impatient, she can be heedless. I can be sharp, she can be stubborn. But we are always both learning how to be together.
When I gave birth to Seamus, I took on a new role with Rosena, as the mother of her little brother. Now I am the mother of her little sister too. I have three children half of every week and two children all the time.
And it is a challenge. I struggle with how to be present to the needs of three very different ages and personalities. When Rosena is at our house, Seamus wants to be wherever she is and be doing whatever she is doing. She relishes his attention and adoration, but tires quickly of his grabby-ness and wrecking-ball energy. I welcome the breathing room that comes when he transfers his affection from me to her, and I try to get as much done as I can while he is shadowing her every move. Although Rosena is a conscientious big sister, she is only seven and I need to remind myself sometimes that she is not capable of taking care of Seamus for long stretches of time. She can play with him while I wash dishes or get dinner started, and she loves it, but I can’t put her in charge of him.
Rosena and I have been practicing “ask for what you
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