Bette deftly raises a pinkie. But the potent tea has unaccountably excited her, and she finds to her horror that she has erected a tremendous boner just as Lady Fashionbury leans over to enquire after her health!”
He stopped and looked at me. “We aren’t close, are we?”
I said nothing. It always unnerved me when he went into his own voice.
“Still, I’m going to ask a favor of you. If you say no, we won’t mention it again, all right?” He came over to me, smiling. “I want to come along with you to one of those dinners you have with your gentlemen friends. The Crosby gang. Harvey Meets Crosby. Yes or no?”
“Well … actually…”
He waited, towering above me. “Yes or no?” He grabbed my arm and pulled me to my feet. I saw the swings again, and my brothers fighting alongside me and Jim hating me. “Just say yes or no.”
“Yes or no.”
He let me go and moved away. Then he roared with laughter. “How’s your love life?” he asked.
“Fine.”
“You never speak of it.”
“I keep secrets.”
“Yes, I’m well aware. You keep a good secret. Do you ever think about … back then?”
“You know,” I said, “I’d rather direct this scene than be in it, but I wouldn’t know what to tell the actors. What is this scene about?”
“Why won’t you take me to meet the Crosby gang?”
“Because you threatened me.”
“Is that the only reason?”
I lied. “Yes.”
“You want hot truth? I don’t even want to meet them. I truly don’t. I’d just make them angry, wouldn’t I? I’d dip my spoon into the fingerbowl and say, ‘What delicious consommé!’ And, tasting my pheasant, I’d turn to Crosby and say, ‘It’s absolu de lish! ’ No, I wouldn’t say it. I’d scream it, right there in Le Grand Can-Can or wherever it is you go to.” And he did scream it, right there in his apartment. “Absolu de lish! It’s ab solu de lish! ” He paced and frumped like Davis in her Elizabeth movies. “Why, Layt-ty Crospy, how haugh-ty you seem tto-ttay!” He pushed me back down on the couch. The damned aren’t always tender. He was furious—not, I think, at me. “They all have lovers, don’t they, the Crosby gang?”
“No, not all. A few. Nothing long-lasting.”
“That type doesn’t need lovers, anyway. They have fuck chums.” This too he screamed out. “ Fuck!Chums! Once a month, with the lights turned down and a little Mozart in the background. Oh, it’s delicate and soigné. I’ll bet they don’t even fuck. Fuck is too lewd for that coven. They cuddle! ” He sat down across the room from me and kicked off his shoes, calming down. “That brother of yours, the handsome one … Jim. He’s gay, isn’t he?”
“No.”
“You’re wrong.”
“No, I’m not.”
Harvey pulled off his socks and threw them in a corner.
I cleared my throat. “What is this scene about, by the way?”
“The scene is about how to hold a lover. Do you want a lover? Don’t answer; almost everyone does. Almost everyone.” He began to unbutton his shirt. “You’re my oldest friend and you know my secrets. Not all of them. But some of the best ones. Now let me tell you how to hold your beautiful gay lover. By being terrific in bed? No. That will guarantee a good premiere, but beautiful lovers by nature have already had much taste of fabulous carnal technique. You won’t hold him that way. Am I making you nervous?” He got up and slowly peeled off his shirt. “What else? By having pees or thighs of death? No. Who doesn’t, nowadays?” He unbuckled his belt, opened his pants, and took them off. Nude, he presented the most spectacular member I’ve ever seen. A bit longer or heavier and it would have been grotesque; like so, it was … well, champion queer. “Cock of death, too, has been called premium. But cock, I’ve discovered, is made for tricking, not love. Oh yes … yes, how often you’ve heard a man sigh that cock is everything. Once you’ve been fucked by a big one
He stopped and looked at me. “We aren’t close, are we?”
I said nothing. It always unnerved me when he went into his own voice.
“Still, I’m going to ask a favor of you. If you say no, we won’t mention it again, all right?” He came over to me, smiling. “I want to come along with you to one of those dinners you have with your gentlemen friends. The Crosby gang. Harvey Meets Crosby. Yes or no?”
“Well … actually…”
He waited, towering above me. “Yes or no?” He grabbed my arm and pulled me to my feet. I saw the swings again, and my brothers fighting alongside me and Jim hating me. “Just say yes or no.”
“Yes or no.”
He let me go and moved away. Then he roared with laughter. “How’s your love life?” he asked.
“Fine.”
“You never speak of it.”
“I keep secrets.”
“Yes, I’m well aware. You keep a good secret. Do you ever think about … back then?”
“You know,” I said, “I’d rather direct this scene than be in it, but I wouldn’t know what to tell the actors. What is this scene about?”
“Why won’t you take me to meet the Crosby gang?”
“Because you threatened me.”
“Is that the only reason?”
I lied. “Yes.”
“You want hot truth? I don’t even want to meet them. I truly don’t. I’d just make them angry, wouldn’t I? I’d dip my spoon into the fingerbowl and say, ‘What delicious consommé!’ And, tasting my pheasant, I’d turn to Crosby and say, ‘It’s absolu de lish! ’ No, I wouldn’t say it. I’d scream it, right there in Le Grand Can-Can or wherever it is you go to.” And he did scream it, right there in his apartment. “Absolu de lish! It’s ab solu de lish! ” He paced and frumped like Davis in her Elizabeth movies. “Why, Layt-ty Crospy, how haugh-ty you seem tto-ttay!” He pushed me back down on the couch. The damned aren’t always tender. He was furious—not, I think, at me. “They all have lovers, don’t they, the Crosby gang?”
“No, not all. A few. Nothing long-lasting.”
“That type doesn’t need lovers, anyway. They have fuck chums.” This too he screamed out. “ Fuck!Chums! Once a month, with the lights turned down and a little Mozart in the background. Oh, it’s delicate and soigné. I’ll bet they don’t even fuck. Fuck is too lewd for that coven. They cuddle! ” He sat down across the room from me and kicked off his shoes, calming down. “That brother of yours, the handsome one … Jim. He’s gay, isn’t he?”
“No.”
“You’re wrong.”
“No, I’m not.”
Harvey pulled off his socks and threw them in a corner.
I cleared my throat. “What is this scene about, by the way?”
“The scene is about how to hold a lover. Do you want a lover? Don’t answer; almost everyone does. Almost everyone.” He began to unbutton his shirt. “You’re my oldest friend and you know my secrets. Not all of them. But some of the best ones. Now let me tell you how to hold your beautiful gay lover. By being terrific in bed? No. That will guarantee a good premiere, but beautiful lovers by nature have already had much taste of fabulous carnal technique. You won’t hold him that way. Am I making you nervous?” He got up and slowly peeled off his shirt. “What else? By having pees or thighs of death? No. Who doesn’t, nowadays?” He unbuckled his belt, opened his pants, and took them off. Nude, he presented the most spectacular member I’ve ever seen. A bit longer or heavier and it would have been grotesque; like so, it was … well, champion queer. “Cock of death, too, has been called premium. But cock, I’ve discovered, is made for tricking, not love. Oh yes … yes, how often you’ve heard a man sigh that cock is everything. Once you’ve been fucked by a big one
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