Just Stupid! by Andy Griffiths and Terry Denton Page B

out of this,’ he says. ‘This is none of your business.’
       ‘His business is my business,’ says Danny. He shakes the bottle and takes aim. ‘Drop it or I’ll blow you into the middle of next week.’
       Dirk hesitates for a moment and then drops the popper.
       ‘Damn kids,’ he says.
       He stands up and turns to Natasha.
       ‘Come on,’ he says, ‘let’s get out of here.’
       ‘No way,’ she says. ‘I’m not going anywhere with you.’
       ‘But . . .’
       ‘It’s over, Dirk.’

       She takes off an enormous engagement ring and throws it at him.
       ‘I was only trying to protect you,’ he says.
       ‘That’s what you always say,’ she says. ‘And you always end up making it worse.’
       People start applauding. Natasha looks radiant. It’s one of the greatest performances of her career—and we’re seeing it live.
       Dirk bends down and picks up the ring.
       ‘You’re all crazy!’ he yells, and barges out of the restaurant.
       Everybody in the restaurant applauds.
       I stand up.
       Danny jumps down off the bar and we high five each other.
       Natasha comes over to us.
       ‘I just wanted to thank you both,’ she says.
       ‘Don’t mention it,’ I say.
       ‘No, really,’ she says. ‘I’ve never seen anybody stand up to Dirk the way you did today. And to think I was going to marry that brute. You’ve shown me just how violent and bad-tempered he really is. You were very brave and I’d like to give you a reward.’
       ‘No, please,’ I say. ‘It’s not necessary . . .’
       ‘Close your eyes,’ says Natasha. ‘Both of you.’
       I can’t believe it! She’s going to kiss me!
       This is turning out to be the best night of my life. A food fight in a fancy restaurant and a kiss from Natasha Teasedale.

       Dad steps between Danny and me. ‘I helped too,’ he says. He closes his eyes and puts his head forward. Mum pulls him back by the arm.
       ‘No you don’t,’ she says, giving him one of her withering looks.
       Natasha giggles. ‘What are you waiting for?’ she says to me. ‘Don’t you want your reward?’
       I close my eyes. Life doesn’t get any better than this.
       WHACK!
       I feel a sharp pain on the top of my head.
       I open my eyes.
       She’s holding a breadstick in her hand.
       ‘That’s for setting my hair on fire,’ she says.
       ‘But . . .’
       She raises the breadstick and brings it down again.
       WHACK!
       ‘And that’s for throwing beer in my face!’
       Danny is bent over double laughing.
       ‘Something funny?’ she says.
       ‘Yes,’ says Danny. ‘You are. That was brilliant. He had it coming.’
       ‘You want to see it again?’ she says, raising the breadstick above her head in a two-handed grip.

       ‘Yes please!’ says Danny.
       WHACK!
       She brings the breadstick down again, but this time not on my head—on Danny’s. He’s not laughing any more. Just standing there with the bottle of champagne in his hand, looking dazed. Natasha drops the breadstick and heads for the door. The waiter runs after her.
       ‘Madamoiselle Teasedale,’ he says. ‘I am so sorry!’
       She stops and turns around.
       ‘It’s okay,’ she says.
       ‘No, it is not okay,’ he says. ‘It is not okay at all.’
       ‘No, you’re right,’ she says. ‘It isn’t.’ She walks back to her breadstick, picks it up and clocks the waiter over the head.
       Boy, that’s some temper she’s got. But it’s understandable, what with the pressure of being so famous and having to learn all those lines and act and sign autographs and everything.
       She’s about to go through the door. Suddenly there is a loud pop. It’s Danny’s champagne bottle.
       ‘Oops,’ says Danny.

       The cork fires out and hits Natasha fair and square on the side of the head. It ricochets and shoots straight up into the