asked to have pancakes with her again he was single? His smile, his question all had new meaning. She shoved the swirl of thoughts away. “Do you want to tell me about that?”
Isla sighed. “You don’t have a cigarette on you, do you?”
Devon laughed. “What we say in counseling is confidential, but that’s the only rule I can slightly bend. Smoking in the Health Center is definitely not going to fly.”
Isla had to laugh, too. “Figured it was worth a shot. If regular rules are suspended in these little sessions, ya never know.”
“I’ve got gum.” Devon offered her a piece of Winterfresh from the pack in her pocket. “Might be stale, but it’s better than nothing.”
Isla took the gum and started chewing, opening her mouth wide. Devon tried not to stare at the gum being violently tossed back and forth between her teeth.
She really is a wreck
. Isla twisted the wrapper into a long wormlike strand and rolled it between her fingers.
“It was the first week of summer. We were supposed to go on some boat trip with his parents, but we were arguing all the time. Hutch said he wasn’t happy anymore. I thought he meant he wasn’t happy with us. But now maybe he meant.… He wouldn’t have done it if I was there for him. He should have let me be there for him.” Her voice caught.
“Isla, what happened to Hutch is nobody’s fault, okay? This isn’t your fault.” Devon leaned forward, forcing eye contact. It was important that Isla knew this. If she took the blame, then she was at risk. The girl was using an alias to feed an addiction; she was more than capable of hurting herself. She already
had
hurt herself.
“How do you know?” Isla sounded as if she were talking more to herself than Devon. “You didn’t know him like I did. I mean, we kind of pissed each other off from time to time, but there was a while there we were really in
love
. Like, I didn’t think it was possible to love someone that much, kind of love. It sounds like a stupid movie when I say it out loud but it’s true. And he all of a sudden says he didn’t want to see me? Thought we’d grown apart. It was so cliché, but it was my life.” She laughed bitterly. “That sounds like a stupid movie, too.”
“How did you grow apart? What happened?” Devon wasn’t sure this was actually relevant to counseling Isla, but she couldn’t help herself. ‡ Their coupledom had turned them into Isla-And-Hutch, a unit, a
thing;
how could that relationship fall apart?
Isla shrugged. “I don’t know. He wanted me to lay off the pills,and I thought he was being controlling. I refused to change for him. I thought I was proving to him that I could be strong. And once I was home in Portland it was easy to get whatever I wanted. So I didn’t have to change. I think I kept using just because he didn’t want me to. But, I don’t know. The way he did it, looking down on me, he was so fucking smug about it. It pissed me off.”
“What about now? Do you still think it was him, being controlling and smug?” The words just popped out of her mouth. Devon gritted her teeth. She was starting to sound like her mom.
Don’t judge; be supportive
. On the other hand, the non-counselor voice in her head couldn’t believe that Isla had essentially chosen pills over Hutch. Epic mistake. Any girlfriend would have talked Isla out of it, gotten her to kick the pills—whatever it took to stay with someone like Hutch. But maybe Isla with all her magic spells couldn’t conjure up any real friends to step in before her addiction took hold.
Can I?
Devon wondered. That’s what she’d signed up for with this peer counseling stuff. She had to try, to finish what Hutch would have wanted for Isla. She could help Isla see the error in her ways, without being pushy of course, and Isla could stop blaming herself for Hutch’s suicide—
“I saw him earlier that day, you know?” Isla began, almost as if reading Devon’s thoughts. “The day he … his last
Isla sighed. “You don’t have a cigarette on you, do you?”
Devon laughed. “What we say in counseling is confidential, but that’s the only rule I can slightly bend. Smoking in the Health Center is definitely not going to fly.”
Isla had to laugh, too. “Figured it was worth a shot. If regular rules are suspended in these little sessions, ya never know.”
“I’ve got gum.” Devon offered her a piece of Winterfresh from the pack in her pocket. “Might be stale, but it’s better than nothing.”
Isla took the gum and started chewing, opening her mouth wide. Devon tried not to stare at the gum being violently tossed back and forth between her teeth.
She really is a wreck
. Isla twisted the wrapper into a long wormlike strand and rolled it between her fingers.
“It was the first week of summer. We were supposed to go on some boat trip with his parents, but we were arguing all the time. Hutch said he wasn’t happy anymore. I thought he meant he wasn’t happy with us. But now maybe he meant.… He wouldn’t have done it if I was there for him. He should have let me be there for him.” Her voice caught.
“Isla, what happened to Hutch is nobody’s fault, okay? This isn’t your fault.” Devon leaned forward, forcing eye contact. It was important that Isla knew this. If she took the blame, then she was at risk. The girl was using an alias to feed an addiction; she was more than capable of hurting herself. She already
had
hurt herself.
“How do you know?” Isla sounded as if she were talking more to herself than Devon. “You didn’t know him like I did. I mean, we kind of pissed each other off from time to time, but there was a while there we were really in
love
. Like, I didn’t think it was possible to love someone that much, kind of love. It sounds like a stupid movie when I say it out loud but it’s true. And he all of a sudden says he didn’t want to see me? Thought we’d grown apart. It was so cliché, but it was my life.” She laughed bitterly. “That sounds like a stupid movie, too.”
“How did you grow apart? What happened?” Devon wasn’t sure this was actually relevant to counseling Isla, but she couldn’t help herself. ‡ Their coupledom had turned them into Isla-And-Hutch, a unit, a
thing;
how could that relationship fall apart?
Isla shrugged. “I don’t know. He wanted me to lay off the pills,and I thought he was being controlling. I refused to change for him. I thought I was proving to him that I could be strong. And once I was home in Portland it was easy to get whatever I wanted. So I didn’t have to change. I think I kept using just because he didn’t want me to. But, I don’t know. The way he did it, looking down on me, he was so fucking smug about it. It pissed me off.”
“What about now? Do you still think it was him, being controlling and smug?” The words just popped out of her mouth. Devon gritted her teeth. She was starting to sound like her mom.
Don’t judge; be supportive
. On the other hand, the non-counselor voice in her head couldn’t believe that Isla had essentially chosen pills over Hutch. Epic mistake. Any girlfriend would have talked Isla out of it, gotten her to kick the pills—whatever it took to stay with someone like Hutch. But maybe Isla with all her magic spells couldn’t conjure up any real friends to step in before her addiction took hold.
Can I?
Devon wondered. That’s what she’d signed up for with this peer counseling stuff. She had to try, to finish what Hutch would have wanted for Isla. She could help Isla see the error in her ways, without being pushy of course, and Isla could stop blaming herself for Hutch’s suicide—
“I saw him earlier that day, you know?” Isla began, almost as if reading Devon’s thoughts. “The day he … his last
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