that you are meant to be happy, that I am meant to be happy, and that our happiness can be found together?’
I had known Ethalia one night and in that short time had fallen in love for only the second time in my life. Minutes after she had said those words I had left her there, alone. Weeping.
‘Why are you telling me this, Aline?’
‘Do you think she’d still take us to that island that she mentioned? She said I could come too, right?’
‘I . . . I’m sure one day, when you’re tired of being Queen, I mean you could . . .’ I knew I sounded like an idiot so I didn’t bother to finish.
‘No,’ Aline said, ‘I mean, now. If we went back there now – not all the way to Rijou, I know we’d need to get a message to her – but if we could, do you think she’d still take us to that island?’
‘Aline,’ I said, ‘you’re the daughter of King Paelis. You’re going to be Queen of all Tristia.’
She shook her head. She wasn’t crying, though. It was as if she’d played this conversation over in her head and was ready for my objections. ‘I don’t have to be Queen, though. No one can force me to be Queen.’
‘I don’t always want to be a Greatcoat but I do it anyway. Where would you be if I’d stopped?’
‘Dead,’ she said plainly. ‘I’d be dead. Just like when Shiballe’s men tried to kill me, or when the bully-boys found us. Or when Laetha and Radger betrayed me, or when the Dashini assassins came. Or today.’
I felt a fool. I kept forgetting how young she was, still a child, and already she’d faced as much death as any soldier. ‘I’ve kept you safe, though, haven’t I?’
‘Yes, you have. You killed Shiballe’s men and the bully-boys and those fake Greatcoats and the Dashini. And today you killed more men for me. How many people will you kill for me, Falcio?’
I took her hand. ‘I’ll kill as many as it takes, Aline. I’ll kill them until they stop coming for you.’
She pulled her hand away and jumped to her feet. ‘You don’t understand
anything
! I don’t
want
you to kill people for me! I don’t want Valiana to die to protect me. I didn’t want the villagers to betray us and then be killed because of it! I’m only thirteen, Falcio, and already I’ve caused the death of more people than I can count. I don’t want it!’
I rose to my feet. ‘We don’t always get—’
‘No! It’s not the same. I don’t want to be a Queen. And you’re not a Greatcoat because you have to be, Falcio – you’re a Greatcoat because you don’t know how to be anything else.’ She turned and ran off.
She was right, of course. It
wasn’t
fair. She deserved better; she deserved to be a child, to laugh and cry and get angry and run off into the darkness and pout. But the world hadn’t been fair to her up to now and it showed absolutely no signs of relenting, and that meant I couldn’t let her go off by herself to pout in the darkness.
So I ran and caught her before she could reach the path down the hill.
‘Leave me alone!’ she screamed.
‘Stop,’ I said, taking her arm. ‘Stop and tell me what it is you want. Do you want me to take you away from here? To take you south, to see if Ethalia would still have us?’ Aline’s arm was shaking – no, it wasn’t her. It was
me
. It was the thought of what might be if she commanded me to take her from this place.
Oh Gods, say yes, and in that yes shake me of the bonds that bind me to your father. You gave me no instructions, my King. You just said to find her, and I did that. If she asks me to take her away I will and to the hells with whatever plans you made but never bothered to tell me.
But she didn’t say yes. It was as if she could tell I would have taken her south that very instant if she asked. Instead, she said, ‘I want to stop being afraid,’ not knowing that it was the bravest thing she could have said just then.
‘That’s not the same thing. I’m not sure that’s even possible.’
She started
I had known Ethalia one night and in that short time had fallen in love for only the second time in my life. Minutes after she had said those words I had left her there, alone. Weeping.
‘Why are you telling me this, Aline?’
‘Do you think she’d still take us to that island that she mentioned? She said I could come too, right?’
‘I . . . I’m sure one day, when you’re tired of being Queen, I mean you could . . .’ I knew I sounded like an idiot so I didn’t bother to finish.
‘No,’ Aline said, ‘I mean, now. If we went back there now – not all the way to Rijou, I know we’d need to get a message to her – but if we could, do you think she’d still take us to that island?’
‘Aline,’ I said, ‘you’re the daughter of King Paelis. You’re going to be Queen of all Tristia.’
She shook her head. She wasn’t crying, though. It was as if she’d played this conversation over in her head and was ready for my objections. ‘I don’t have to be Queen, though. No one can force me to be Queen.’
‘I don’t always want to be a Greatcoat but I do it anyway. Where would you be if I’d stopped?’
‘Dead,’ she said plainly. ‘I’d be dead. Just like when Shiballe’s men tried to kill me, or when the bully-boys found us. Or when Laetha and Radger betrayed me, or when the Dashini assassins came. Or today.’
I felt a fool. I kept forgetting how young she was, still a child, and already she’d faced as much death as any soldier. ‘I’ve kept you safe, though, haven’t I?’
‘Yes, you have. You killed Shiballe’s men and the bully-boys and those fake Greatcoats and the Dashini. And today you killed more men for me. How many people will you kill for me, Falcio?’
I took her hand. ‘I’ll kill as many as it takes, Aline. I’ll kill them until they stop coming for you.’
She pulled her hand away and jumped to her feet. ‘You don’t understand
anything
! I don’t
want
you to kill people for me! I don’t want Valiana to die to protect me. I didn’t want the villagers to betray us and then be killed because of it! I’m only thirteen, Falcio, and already I’ve caused the death of more people than I can count. I don’t want it!’
I rose to my feet. ‘We don’t always get—’
‘No! It’s not the same. I don’t want to be a Queen. And you’re not a Greatcoat because you have to be, Falcio – you’re a Greatcoat because you don’t know how to be anything else.’ She turned and ran off.
She was right, of course. It
wasn’t
fair. She deserved better; she deserved to be a child, to laugh and cry and get angry and run off into the darkness and pout. But the world hadn’t been fair to her up to now and it showed absolutely no signs of relenting, and that meant I couldn’t let her go off by herself to pout in the darkness.
So I ran and caught her before she could reach the path down the hill.
‘Leave me alone!’ she screamed.
‘Stop,’ I said, taking her arm. ‘Stop and tell me what it is you want. Do you want me to take you away from here? To take you south, to see if Ethalia would still have us?’ Aline’s arm was shaking – no, it wasn’t her. It was
me
. It was the thought of what might be if she commanded me to take her from this place.
Oh Gods, say yes, and in that yes shake me of the bonds that bind me to your father. You gave me no instructions, my King. You just said to find her, and I did that. If she asks me to take her away I will and to the hells with whatever plans you made but never bothered to tell me.
But she didn’t say yes. It was as if she could tell I would have taken her south that very instant if she asked. Instead, she said, ‘I want to stop being afraid,’ not knowing that it was the bravest thing she could have said just then.
‘That’s not the same thing. I’m not sure that’s even possible.’
She started
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