Life Without Hope

Life Without Hope by Leo Sullivan Page A

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Authors: Leo Sullivan
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notorious for buying college girls cars and
    nice things, but as I found out, it often came with a price. I was
    not trying to get involved with him, or fall into one of his traps.
    My tone softened, “You have got to take this car back, you
    shouldn’t have –”
    “ Hope, there’s a lot of shit a nigga should not have done!” he
    interrupted, taking a step back from me. This was our standoff,
    but this was his world, I was just a visitor trying to get out.
    “ I don’t know how I will ever be able to pay you back,” I said
    with more innocence than I had intended. He took a look at my
    body and smiled brightly.
    “ You already did, last night, a brotha be loving that wild shit!”
    That was not what I wanted to hear. Then he tried to take my
    hand but I pulled away. His handsome face scowled into a look of
    confession. “Um … about last night. I did not mean for it to go
    that far.” He grabbed me by my shoulders and pulled me up close
    to him. I did not know if he was going to kiss me or hit me. His
    breath was hot on my face, as hot as last night’s passion. I was
    powerless to move. A couple stared as they passed by. In the dis-
    tance I heard a fire truck. This closeness and energy from this man
    seized me completely. If he told me to go back inside the hotel and
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    take off all my clothes again so that he could make love to me, I
    probably would have. Some men possess over whelming energy
    that is just that power ful over women. Life Thugstin was one of
    those men.
    “ Hope, you cannot tell me that you didn’t enjoy last night as
    much as I did.” His words seeped inside of me, nuzzling in a place
    that I wanted to keep him forbidden. I attempted to speak but the
    words just froze in my throat. I tried to look away, but his eyes
    would not let me. They pleaded for an answer, an answer that he
    and I knew the truth to. He squeezed my arm until it hurt. “I …
    I … I’m engaged to someone.” My words came out on his face and
    washed down on him. For a fleeting second, I swear I saw anger
    in his eyes. I thought for sure he was going to knock my ass down.
    He released me like I just told him I’d tested positive for some vir-
    ulent plague. He reached into his pocket and handed me the keys
    to the car. They were on the same key ring that my old keys were.
    I walked around to the driver’s side, wishing there was something
    I could say, something to comfort him. I felt like shit. As soon as
    I got in the car I noticed the bags of clothes he bought me from
    Macy’s. I saw an expensive Dooney and Burke purse, it was gor-
    geous.
    For the next half hour or so neither of us spoke, but I could
    read his thoughts. He wanted me, and it shamed him. He gam-
    bled on me and lost. I needed to speak my mind, for the longer
    we remained silent, the more pent up frustration I felt with each
    passing mile. Hell, no one told him to spend his damn money on
    me! I turned to him, “What I did last night was so wrong and I’m
    sorry. Things just got out of hand,” I said as I drove. I was so full
    of anger that I saw veins in my hands as they clinched the steering
    wheel. “I made a bad judgment … no, horrible judgment …
    twice. I’m 21 years old.” He shot me a look that said what’s that
    got to do with it. I continued, “I was not tr ying to take advantage
    of you. I promise I’ll pay you back. How about fifty dollars a week
    until I get this car paid off. Can we just be friends?”
    “ Yo, check this out Shouty, all of my friends chase cats, eat shit
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    and bark at the moon,” he said so coldly that I had to turn and
    look in his direction. This was a side of him I had never seen
    before. I watched as he casually took a cassette tape out of one of
    the shopping bags and placed it into the deck. Jodeci crooned,
    begging a woman to stay for a little while. The music was very
    nice, melodic. I swayed into the rhythm of my emotions like Life
    was using that song to talk to

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