member of the AllMART family is already
Bella.
”
“Can I change it to something else? Something more . . . me? Could I be . . . ?
“No. Your name badge will not be changed. Do you understand the cost of unnecessary changes? You are an AllMART employee. Wear your badge proudly. Now, unless we move on, I must make a charge against your future earnings to pay for the time you have wasted.” Dawna Day is smiling — at least she is showing her teeth — while the final word hisses in the otherwise silent room.
Belly shrinks into her desk like a snail into a shell.
Timmer’s advice was good: Don’t badger the badgers. Just be ZERO instead of Zoë. Just be MORT instead of Timmer. Just be quiet. And smile. I hope that other Zoë out there is enjoying my name.
Dawna Day taps her teaching device, and an authoritative voice rumbles from hidden speakers: “There is no such thing as graduation, not really. In today’s rapidly spinning world, we must all be lifelong learners. AllMART supports lifelong learning. That is why we encourage you to take advantage of the special discounts offered to AllMART employees through Unicorn University.”
The voice changes to a quick talker, the kind who delivers disclaimers and side-effect warnings in advertisements. “Unicorn University is proud to provide you with today’s programmed education.”
Today’s instruction starts with a short cartoon featuring the familiar face of Buzzy Bee, the buzz-in–buzz-out bee in the SpeedyMed ads and the romantic lead on
Days of Our Hives.
He is greeted with a murmur of sighs. He is
kawaii,
I guess. I’m not an Otakusexual — although I respect toonophilia as a sexually responsible choice. Heroic Buzzy wears a tiny leather jacket and zips in at the last minute to make things right. His appearance in the training vid is a little different, though. He isn’t making the girl bees swoon with his amazing stinger swagger.
Buzzy has big eyes, which should be anime-adorable, but the closer we get to his eyes, the more it looks he has a beehive inside them, hexagonal cells, each with another Buzzy Bee inside, and inside that Buzzy Bee’s eyes, another hive. I am relieved when the repetition stops midzoom after implying a universe of Buzzys without actually, you know, spending the rest of my life going deeper and deeper.
The screen switches back to the smiling, cheering employees:
clapclapclap.
Dawna Day gestures, so we stand up and join in. It does feel good to put my hands in the air. I do feel good about myself. I’m great. Of course I feel that way. That is the whole point of practicing self-validating postures: Smile and you will be happy; put your hands in the air and grab some self-esteem.
Buzzy Bee returns and beckons us through the doors of AllMART headquarters. It is a beautiful building, made of nothing but crystal-clear glass. The people who work there are beautiful. They wave at Buzzy Bee, even though he isn’t really there. Buzzy flies high into the soaring glass chambers of the floors above. Finally we are way up in the sky, peeking down at the whole AllMART corporate campus spread out below, perfect and glittering. Glowing clouds spell out the names of the enterprises that are all little parts, just like me.
Unicorn Uni is a division of AllMART. So is SpeedyMed. Even Bats of Happiness, which provides essential nutrients that help grow the lettuce sold in AllMART’s FarmFresh Produce department. Everything is connected to everything else, and that means everything depends on me.
The music for the cheer rises. I stand and join in. . . .
I may be just a little part,
But I pledge my beating heart
To AllMART.
Buzzy Bee the animated hero takes us on a tour of the store, which is laid out like all AllMARTs everywhere. We zoom up and down the aisles, and I can feel how the pieces fit together. It makes sense to me. If Buzzy Bee came through the ceiling, plucked me up, and dropped me in another AllMART where it was night instead of
Bella.
”
“Can I change it to something else? Something more . . . me? Could I be . . . ?
“No. Your name badge will not be changed. Do you understand the cost of unnecessary changes? You are an AllMART employee. Wear your badge proudly. Now, unless we move on, I must make a charge against your future earnings to pay for the time you have wasted.” Dawna Day is smiling — at least she is showing her teeth — while the final word hisses in the otherwise silent room.
Belly shrinks into her desk like a snail into a shell.
Timmer’s advice was good: Don’t badger the badgers. Just be ZERO instead of Zoë. Just be MORT instead of Timmer. Just be quiet. And smile. I hope that other Zoë out there is enjoying my name.
Dawna Day taps her teaching device, and an authoritative voice rumbles from hidden speakers: “There is no such thing as graduation, not really. In today’s rapidly spinning world, we must all be lifelong learners. AllMART supports lifelong learning. That is why we encourage you to take advantage of the special discounts offered to AllMART employees through Unicorn University.”
The voice changes to a quick talker, the kind who delivers disclaimers and side-effect warnings in advertisements. “Unicorn University is proud to provide you with today’s programmed education.”
Today’s instruction starts with a short cartoon featuring the familiar face of Buzzy Bee, the buzz-in–buzz-out bee in the SpeedyMed ads and the romantic lead on
Days of Our Hives.
He is greeted with a murmur of sighs. He is
kawaii,
I guess. I’m not an Otakusexual — although I respect toonophilia as a sexually responsible choice. Heroic Buzzy wears a tiny leather jacket and zips in at the last minute to make things right. His appearance in the training vid is a little different, though. He isn’t making the girl bees swoon with his amazing stinger swagger.
Buzzy has big eyes, which should be anime-adorable, but the closer we get to his eyes, the more it looks he has a beehive inside them, hexagonal cells, each with another Buzzy Bee inside, and inside that Buzzy Bee’s eyes, another hive. I am relieved when the repetition stops midzoom after implying a universe of Buzzys without actually, you know, spending the rest of my life going deeper and deeper.
The screen switches back to the smiling, cheering employees:
clapclapclap.
Dawna Day gestures, so we stand up and join in. It does feel good to put my hands in the air. I do feel good about myself. I’m great. Of course I feel that way. That is the whole point of practicing self-validating postures: Smile and you will be happy; put your hands in the air and grab some self-esteem.
Buzzy Bee returns and beckons us through the doors of AllMART headquarters. It is a beautiful building, made of nothing but crystal-clear glass. The people who work there are beautiful. They wave at Buzzy Bee, even though he isn’t really there. Buzzy flies high into the soaring glass chambers of the floors above. Finally we are way up in the sky, peeking down at the whole AllMART corporate campus spread out below, perfect and glittering. Glowing clouds spell out the names of the enterprises that are all little parts, just like me.
Unicorn Uni is a division of AllMART. So is SpeedyMed. Even Bats of Happiness, which provides essential nutrients that help grow the lettuce sold in AllMART’s FarmFresh Produce department. Everything is connected to everything else, and that means everything depends on me.
The music for the cheer rises. I stand and join in. . . .
I may be just a little part,
But I pledge my beating heart
To AllMART.
Buzzy Bee the animated hero takes us on a tour of the store, which is laid out like all AllMARTs everywhere. We zoom up and down the aisles, and I can feel how the pieces fit together. It makes sense to me. If Buzzy Bee came through the ceiling, plucked me up, and dropped me in another AllMART where it was night instead of
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