Maternity Leave by Trish Felice Cohen Page A

impeccable timing.

Chapter Three
     
    Pregnancy transformed me from a half-assed lawyer to a one-eighth-assed lawyer. Within three days of my announcement, I was way behind on my work and not showing any signs of motivation. Since I work for insurance companies, I’ve always remained guilt-free in my slackery. However, in my new condition I felt comfortable lowering the bar a few more notches. Instead of only performing the minimal amount of work to avoid being fired, I now performed the minimal amount of work to avoid being pregnant and fired. As I understood it, it was pretty risky to fire a pregnant woman. I decided to do a little more pregnancy research to determine when I should start rubbing my stomach at all hours of the day and eating ice cream with chunks of pickles.
     
    Week Four:
    Mom:
You are probably beginning to feel tired, urinate more frequently, experience mood swings, and possibly have tender or swollen breasts.
    I actually have three out of four of those symptoms everyday anyway. It’s nice to finally have a reason to be tired, bitchy and in the bathroom every fifteen minutes.
    Baby:
The chorionic villi are fully formed by the end of this week. In one study, 100% of the transvaginal ultrasounds showed a gestational sac. The yolk sac that helps feed your baby until the placenta is fully functional is appearing as well.
    Chorionic Villi? Transvaginal? Yolk sac? This all sounds icky.
     
    Week Six:
    Mom:
Your breasts may tingle, feel heavy, the areola may become darker. Avoid changing cat litter for there is a risk of toxoplasmosis.
    Yet another reason to be a dog person.
    Baby :
Upper and lower limb buds will appear this week. And the primordia of the liver, pancreas, lungs, and stomach are evident.
    Limb buds actually sound adorable.
     
    Week Eight:
    Mom:
You have probably scheduled your first office visit right now.
    Sounds like someone is about to get a vacation day.
    Baby:
This week the baby’s gonads will become either testes or ovaries.
    Tough call. I guess I’m ambivalent as long as there’s some guarantee that I don’t have to take the girl to ballet or cheerleading practice.
     
    Week Ten:
    Mom:
You are still tired, and nauseated. Your abdomen may begin to pooch out, but it will be more from bowel distension than the uterus.
    Tired, nauseated and getting fat, from bowel distension no less. I can’t believe people procreate.
    Baby:
The baby weighs in at 4 grams, or 4 paper clips. Tiny toes have formed. External genitalia are beginning to differentiate. External ears are completely formed, as well as the upper lip. The biggest accomplishment this week is the disappearance of the tail!
    That’s a shame. The tail sounds even cuter than limb buds.
     
    Amid my pregnancy research, David walked into my office. I quickly minimized the pregnancy screen. Under the pregnancy screen was a Cyclingnews article; minimize. Under Cyclingnews was my bank statement; minimize. Personal email; minimize. Motion to Compel; I’ll leave that one up.
    “Hi David.”
    “We have a problem.”
    Oh shit, he knows. How the hell could he have figured it out? “Yes.”
    “You’re not documenting your files thoroughly. I know you’re doing the work, but you need to make notes in the file. Right now, if you were to die, no one would be able to pick up where you left off.”
    What a jackass. Couldn’t he have just said, “maternity leave”? Does he really need to kill me in this hypothetical? “Sure David, I’ll document the file.”
    “You understand right? I mean if a bus hits you while you’re on your bike tonight, it would be very hard for us to manage your case load.”
    “Got it,” I said, starting to worry that David had a hit out on me.
    “Also,” David said, “I presume you drafted the complaint in the Akers case.”
    David has a tendency to intentionally presume incorrectly. We have a system at the office whereby every employee can see the status of any case in all of the Johnson Smith