Men at Arms by Evelyn Waugh Page A

webbing equipment. Blanco got under his fingernails. (This was the time of day which, all his life since school, Guy had spent in an easy chair.) It was permissible to double in drill suits. Guy arrived on the edge of the barrack square with half a minute in hand.
    Trimmer looked terrible. Instead of buttoning his great coat across the chest and clipping it tight at the throat, he had left it open. Moreover he had made a mess of his equipment. He had let one side strap down at the back, the other in front with monstrous effect.
    ‘Mr Trimmer, fall out, sir. Go to your quarters and come back here properly dressed in five minutes.
As you were
. One pace
back
from the rear rank, Mr Trimmer.
As you were
. On the command “Fall out” you take one pace back with the left foot. About turn, quick march.
As you were
. Swing the right arm level with the belt as the left foot goes forward. Now get it right. Fall out. And let me not see any laughter, Mr Sarum-Smith . There’s not an officer in this squad so smart as he can laugh at another. Any officer I see laughing at another officer on parade will find himself up before the adjutant. All right. Stand easy. While we wait for Mr Trimmer, well just run through a little Corps history. The Royal Corps of Halberdiers was first raised by the Earl of Essex, for service in the Low Countries in the reign of Queen Elizabeth. It then bore the name of the Earl of Essex’s Honourable Company of Free Halberdiers. What other sobriquets has it earned, Mr Crouchback?’
    ‘“The Copper Heels”, and the “Applejacks”, Sergeant.’
    ‘Right. Why the “Applejacks”, Mr Sarum-Smith?’
    ‘Because after the Battle of Malplaquet a detachment of the Corps under Halberdier Sergeant Major Breen were bivouacked in an orchard when they were surprised by a party of French marauders whom they drove away by pelting them with apples, Sergeant.’
    ‘Very good, Mr Sarum-Smith. Mr Leonard, what part did the Corps play in the First Ashanti War…’
    Presently Trimmer returned.
    ‘Very well. Now we can get on. This afternoon we are going to the kitchens where Halberdier Sergeant Major Groggin will show you how to tell meat. Every officer must know how to tell meat. Many frauds are attempted on the military by civilian contractors and the health of his men depends on the alertness of the officer. All right? Then, Mr Sarum-Smith, will you take command. At the command, “Move”, step smartly out of the ranks, about turn, face your men. Move. This is your squad now. I’m not here. I want them without arms, marched in a soldierly fashion to the kitchen yard. If you don’t know where that is, follow your nose, sir. First run through the detail for piling arms, just for refreshment, and then give the executive order.’
    The detail for piling arms was the most elaborate part of their education to date. Sarum-Smith faltered. Guy was called out and faltered also. De Souza ran on confidently, but incorrectly. At last Apthorpe, the safe stand-by, was called on. With an expression of strain he got it right – ‘… the odd numbers of the front rank will seize the rifles of the even numbers with the left hand crossing the muzzles, magazines turned outward, at the same time raising the piling swivels with the forefinger and thumb of both hands …’ and the squad marched off. For the rest of the afternoon period they inspected the kitchens in great heat and the meat store in great cold. They saw vast, purple and yellow, carcasses of beef, and were taught to distinguish cat from rabbit by the number of ribs.
    At four they were dismissed. There was tea in the mess for those who thought it worth another change of uniform. Most lay on their beds until it was time for Physical Training.
    Sarum-Smith came to Guy’s room.
    ‘I say, Uncle, have you had any pay yet?’
    ‘Not a penny.’
    ‘Can’t we do anything about it?’
    ‘I did mention it to the Second-in-Command. He says it always takes some time to get