Mission: Earth "Doomed Planet" by Ron L. Hubbard Page A
Authors: Ron L. Hubbard
Tags: sf_humor
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clothes." Alarm rang through Madison. He suddenly had a bright idea. "No, look. I can't leave this desk unmanned. So you take over for me here while I go bathe and change." "Aw, (bleep)," said Flip. "All right, but you sure are weird. Never mind, I'll get you into bed yet." She sat down in the chair he vacated. Madison looked at the crew. Some of them were dozing, a circle of six were shooting a quiet game of dice for minor loot they had found lying about. Flick was snoring on the floor between Gun and Twa. Madison went into the mistress's bedchamber to shave, brush his teeth, bathe and change into a Homeview outfit. An Apparatus general came in and looked around, eyes a bit wild. "Can I help you?" said Flip in her best approxima tion of a male voice to fit her costume. "I got to see Hisst!" he said urgently. Flip pointed with a polished fingernail. "His Majesty is right over in that bedchamber, sleeping it off. The sideshow is free. We don't have any nuts for sale, but you can tip me if you want." The general hurried toward the Emperor's bedroom. "Cheapskate," muttered Flip. "Hey, Flick! Ain't there some way we can sell some tickets? Isn't every day people can see a drunk Emperor." Then she saw Flick was simply snoring. "(Bleep)," she said. "No enterprise. I could make a fortune with this show." And she began to tally up the potential profits from tickets and drinks and (bleeps) on the side. She got quite interested. The crew lolled on, oblivious of the fate that was about to overtake them.
CHAPTER 6
The chamber stank of old excreta and new vomit. The general closed the bedroom door behind him. He stared at Lombar, still in his coronation robe, lying on the soiled bed. The general was somewhat indecisive and he dithered up and down the side of the bed for a bit. Then he decided that the risks of not waking Lombar overbalanced the risks of his wrath. He shook him by the shoulder. Lombar woke up. It was all right until he tried to turn his head and then the hangover hit him a sledgehammer blow. He winced and then he glared at the general. "Sir, I mean Your Majesty," said the perturbed officer, "I'd like to report…" "Your Majesty?" said Lombar. "Quit that! You could get me killed. Are you trying to be funny?" "No, sir. It's no joke. You were crowned Emperor yesterday." "WHAT? Oh, my head!" "Sir, Your Sir, don't you remember anything about it?" Lombar was trying to move his head. The pain shattered him. He screwed up his face, trying to get oriented. Then he said, "I thought it was just a dream or something. Wait. Is this real?" "Well, yes, Your M… Your Sir, but I have to report that the whole Apparatus Section of Government City is in flames. The troops there fought the mobs and Domestic Police to the last man. I want to call reinforcements for Palace City here." "Well, call them, call them," said Lombar. "Nobody is stopping you. Just a minute." He was staring down at the soiled coronation robe. "You said I was crowned yesterday. I have no recollection of it. WHO DID THAT?" "It was all on Homeview, Your M… Sir. I believe Madison and his camera crew did it, Sir Majesty." Lombar might have been drunk and doped, but all that remained of it now was livid ferocity. "(Bleep) them! Grab a Death Battalion and put Madison and his crew under close arrest. Oh, my head! Then call for your reinforcements. Well, go on! Get out of here!" "Sir, Your Sir Majesty, there's something else. An odd alert just came through on Homeview that an important announcement that affects you will be made in just half an hour. It sounded so ominous, we were worried." Then he saw the animal savagery that was forming on Lombar's face. Hastily, he added, "Yes, Your Sir, I'll put Madison and his crew under arrest." And he rushed out before Lombar took it into his head to kill him. The general had risen to his rank because he didn't take on odds he couldn't handle. He walked right on out past Flip. He went along the hall and out of the building.
CHAPTER 6
The chamber stank of old excreta and new vomit. The general closed the bedroom door behind him. He stared at Lombar, still in his coronation robe, lying on the soiled bed. The general was somewhat indecisive and he dithered up and down the side of the bed for a bit. Then he decided that the risks of not waking Lombar overbalanced the risks of his wrath. He shook him by the shoulder. Lombar woke up. It was all right until he tried to turn his head and then the hangover hit him a sledgehammer blow. He winced and then he glared at the general. "Sir, I mean Your Majesty," said the perturbed officer, "I'd like to report…" "Your Majesty?" said Lombar. "Quit that! You could get me killed. Are you trying to be funny?" "No, sir. It's no joke. You were crowned Emperor yesterday." "WHAT? Oh, my head!" "Sir, Your Sir, don't you remember anything about it?" Lombar was trying to move his head. The pain shattered him. He screwed up his face, trying to get oriented. Then he said, "I thought it was just a dream or something. Wait. Is this real?" "Well, yes, Your M… Your Sir, but I have to report that the whole Apparatus Section of Government City is in flames. The troops there fought the mobs and Domestic Police to the last man. I want to call reinforcements for Palace City here." "Well, call them, call them," said Lombar. "Nobody is stopping you. Just a minute." He was staring down at the soiled coronation robe. "You said I was crowned yesterday. I have no recollection of it. WHO DID THAT?" "It was all on Homeview, Your M… Sir. I believe Madison and his camera crew did it, Sir Majesty." Lombar might have been drunk and doped, but all that remained of it now was livid ferocity. "(Bleep) them! Grab a Death Battalion and put Madison and his crew under close arrest. Oh, my head! Then call for your reinforcements. Well, go on! Get out of here!" "Sir, Your Sir Majesty, there's something else. An odd alert just came through on Homeview that an important announcement that affects you will be made in just half an hour. It sounded so ominous, we were worried." Then he saw the animal savagery that was forming on Lombar's face. Hastily, he added, "Yes, Your Sir, I'll put Madison and his crew under arrest." And he rushed out before Lombar took it into his head to kill him. The general had risen to his rank because he didn't take on odds he couldn't handle. He walked right on out past Flip. He went along the hall and out of the building.
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