and kept her mouth shut. I took a large step back, shoving her away from me in the process. “It’s over, done.” I stepped away from her, avoided all the spying assholes, and bolted to the men’s room.
Fuck
. I looked in the mirror and took a deep breath. I felt my muscles twitching, like I needed to hit someone, or needed to kick the shit out of something. I splashed some water on my face and began pacing the bathroom. It was over, three years of this shit. I glared in the mirror one more time, wanting to punch the guy seething back at me, and then I left.
I heard Bettina laughing when I left the bathroom and my anger boiled, but I kept walking. I didn’t wait for the elevators, running downten flights of stairs instead. I climbed into my Jeep and didn’t look back. When I got home, I packed my things and loaded everything up. I took Bo on a late night run. It was more sprinting than running, but Bo kept my pace. When we stopped, I could hardly breathe. I took a long shower and locked myself in my bedroom so I could sleep. At three in the morning, I heard banging on my door, followed by wicked laughter. The sound made me want to jump out my window. I am not sure when it ended; I buried my face in my pillow and fell back to sleep. Bettina no longer existed in my world starting right now.
In the morning, I left quickly for work. I hit the coffeehouse first. I felt crappy, but Katarina was all I could think about. I waited inside the door to hold it open for her again. I smiled, and my whole body relaxed when I saw her approaching. She wore a heart-stopping smile, and I secretly wanted to be on the other end of it. I opened the door, and just like before, she thanked me without looking at me. She continued past me in a direct line to her booth, and I could hardly move. I incoherently got a coffee and settled close to her table, scaring away people as they approached her. She left on her own, waving at the man behind the coffee counter as she did. She was such a vision. I closed my eyes and saw her smiling face. She was completely different from the twelve-year-old whom I shared ice cream with. She was full of life. Her bright smile proved it. My pants felt tighter when I got up to leave.
Work was a blur. I went to the phone store at lunch and got a new number. Bettina left so many messages I couldn’t delete them fast enough. Tonight was family dinner night, and I would ask my sisters if I could stay with them until I got a new place, because going back was not an option.
I sat outside Jessica’s house, trying to convince myself that dropping Bo off at the apartment was the right thing to do. I had run the giant Rotty before taking him up to the apartment. I worried he would be restless and I wanted him to protect Bettina, even though I couldn’t anymore. I cared for her and didn’t want anyone to hurt her. Bo just looked intimidating, and if a man showed up there, Bo would scare him away. I squeezed my eyes shut and counted to ten before I got out of the car and headed inside. The whole house was charged when I walked in.
“Uncle Jason! Uncle Jason!” was said in unison. I picked up all the four kids at once in a big bear hug. My sisters and my mom followed. They took turns hugging me, and I think I even saw a tear in my mom’s hazel eyes.
“What’s wrong, Mom?” She led me into the kitchen, my arm draped around her back.
“I just miss you, Jason.” Yep, she was definitely crying. I never handled tears well. It made me uncomfortable. Anger and punishment, I was great at. The tears ran down her face as she leaned up to kiss me and I found a dry spot on her upper cheek and gave her a small peck. Kissing was another thing I wasn’t great at. I became okay with the hugging, but a two-second embrace was it. My mom seemed to enjoy the love I gave her. The smile plastered across her face confirmed it.
The table was set, and everyone started to gather around. My dad said grace before we all dug in. My sister
Fuck
. I looked in the mirror and took a deep breath. I felt my muscles twitching, like I needed to hit someone, or needed to kick the shit out of something. I splashed some water on my face and began pacing the bathroom. It was over, three years of this shit. I glared in the mirror one more time, wanting to punch the guy seething back at me, and then I left.
I heard Bettina laughing when I left the bathroom and my anger boiled, but I kept walking. I didn’t wait for the elevators, running downten flights of stairs instead. I climbed into my Jeep and didn’t look back. When I got home, I packed my things and loaded everything up. I took Bo on a late night run. It was more sprinting than running, but Bo kept my pace. When we stopped, I could hardly breathe. I took a long shower and locked myself in my bedroom so I could sleep. At three in the morning, I heard banging on my door, followed by wicked laughter. The sound made me want to jump out my window. I am not sure when it ended; I buried my face in my pillow and fell back to sleep. Bettina no longer existed in my world starting right now.
In the morning, I left quickly for work. I hit the coffeehouse first. I felt crappy, but Katarina was all I could think about. I waited inside the door to hold it open for her again. I smiled, and my whole body relaxed when I saw her approaching. She wore a heart-stopping smile, and I secretly wanted to be on the other end of it. I opened the door, and just like before, she thanked me without looking at me. She continued past me in a direct line to her booth, and I could hardly move. I incoherently got a coffee and settled close to her table, scaring away people as they approached her. She left on her own, waving at the man behind the coffee counter as she did. She was such a vision. I closed my eyes and saw her smiling face. She was completely different from the twelve-year-old whom I shared ice cream with. She was full of life. Her bright smile proved it. My pants felt tighter when I got up to leave.
Work was a blur. I went to the phone store at lunch and got a new number. Bettina left so many messages I couldn’t delete them fast enough. Tonight was family dinner night, and I would ask my sisters if I could stay with them until I got a new place, because going back was not an option.
I sat outside Jessica’s house, trying to convince myself that dropping Bo off at the apartment was the right thing to do. I had run the giant Rotty before taking him up to the apartment. I worried he would be restless and I wanted him to protect Bettina, even though I couldn’t anymore. I cared for her and didn’t want anyone to hurt her. Bo just looked intimidating, and if a man showed up there, Bo would scare him away. I squeezed my eyes shut and counted to ten before I got out of the car and headed inside. The whole house was charged when I walked in.
“Uncle Jason! Uncle Jason!” was said in unison. I picked up all the four kids at once in a big bear hug. My sisters and my mom followed. They took turns hugging me, and I think I even saw a tear in my mom’s hazel eyes.
“What’s wrong, Mom?” She led me into the kitchen, my arm draped around her back.
“I just miss you, Jason.” Yep, she was definitely crying. I never handled tears well. It made me uncomfortable. Anger and punishment, I was great at. The tears ran down her face as she leaned up to kiss me and I found a dry spot on her upper cheek and gave her a small peck. Kissing was another thing I wasn’t great at. I became okay with the hugging, but a two-second embrace was it. My mom seemed to enjoy the love I gave her. The smile plastered across her face confirmed it.
The table was set, and everyone started to gather around. My dad said grace before we all dug in. My sister
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