through me was almost a physical pain.
“No! Of course not!”
“Then why? Why are you pulling back? Do I have to beg you to sleep with me?”
I pressed my hand against my forehead.
“No, look, I—”
I cut myself off and took a hard pause. I wanted to make sure I said this right.
“It’s not that I don’t want you, Steph,” I said.
“Could have fooled me.”
“You know what? This isn’t fair. You have no idea what I’ve been through in the dating world.”
“Oh really? Poor Mr. Black, having to fend off the supermodels with his gold-tipped walking cane. I can only imagine the problems you have. I bet most of your foursomes don’t fit completely on your California King mattress, is that it?”
She was joking, but it was one joke too many. A burst of anger punched through me.
“You have no idea, Steph.”
“Then tell me.”
She stared at me over the counter. And I knew that if this was serious, if we had any shot of making this work, I couldn’t hide the truth from her.
“When I started in this business, I loved it. I admit that. I loved the girls, I got dates by the handful. And yeah, threesomes if I wanted. Everybody wants a piece of you if you’re successful like I’m successful.”
“And?”
“And it sucks!”
“Oh, come on.”
“Really,” I said, leaning forward. “I never can tell if a girl wants me because she actually cares about me, or if it’s because of what I do. Every date I take out, I’m always listening for the first mention when she lets me know what she really wants. She tells me she’s a model and what do I think about maybe taking some photos of her? I even had one girl bring her portfolio on the first date.”
“That’s… that’s horrible,” Steph said. “They really do that?”
“Worse! I had one girl, after she gave me a blowjob she looked up and said Will you get my picture into Vogue now? What am I supposed to say to that?”
Steph’s eyes widened.
“You know the worst part?” I asked, pushing on. “There was one girl I met maybe two years ago. I liked her. I mean, I really liked her. I thought I loved her. Maybe I did love her.”
“What happened?”
“We were dating for a few weeks, and then I was at this club with her, and another younger girl flirted with me. And she didn’t even say anything, like she was going to ignore it. But I couldn’t ignore it. It made me mad; I didn’t know why, but it did. And you know what I did?”
“What?”
“I took that other girl to the back of the club, in one of the VIP rooms. I fucked her right there.”
Steph frowned. Maybe I’d told her too much. But no, dammit, she had to know.
“But… but why?” she asked, looking as wounded as if I’d done it to her.
I shook my head.
“I don’t know. I had this idea that it would be a test, you know? I came out and I told her that I cheated on her. I told her in front of everybody. And you know what she did?”
Steph’s brows furrowed in the middle of her forehead, but she didn’t say anything.
“She looked so hurt. So—damn—hurt. And then she smiled a little smile. She said It’s okay. That’s what she said. It’s okay. I’d just fucked another girl, and it was okay.
Because she didn’t really care about me. She never did. All she cared about was being able to say that she was dating Lucas Black.”
I swallowed the last of my wine and set the glass down carefully on the edge of the counter. I couldn’t meet Steph’s eyes.
“So that’s why I’m this way. I want… I want to be a gentleman for you, Steph. I rushed in way too quick at the beginning, I know. I’ve always done that, because it’s never been serious. But with you, I want it to be serious. I might be fucking it up, but I’m trying my best.”
Only then did I look up at her. She had a genuine look of surprise on her face.
“I’m… I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t know.”
It dawned on me that every muscle in my body was tense. I focused on my
“No! Of course not!”
“Then why? Why are you pulling back? Do I have to beg you to sleep with me?”
I pressed my hand against my forehead.
“No, look, I—”
I cut myself off and took a hard pause. I wanted to make sure I said this right.
“It’s not that I don’t want you, Steph,” I said.
“Could have fooled me.”
“You know what? This isn’t fair. You have no idea what I’ve been through in the dating world.”
“Oh really? Poor Mr. Black, having to fend off the supermodels with his gold-tipped walking cane. I can only imagine the problems you have. I bet most of your foursomes don’t fit completely on your California King mattress, is that it?”
She was joking, but it was one joke too many. A burst of anger punched through me.
“You have no idea, Steph.”
“Then tell me.”
She stared at me over the counter. And I knew that if this was serious, if we had any shot of making this work, I couldn’t hide the truth from her.
“When I started in this business, I loved it. I admit that. I loved the girls, I got dates by the handful. And yeah, threesomes if I wanted. Everybody wants a piece of you if you’re successful like I’m successful.”
“And?”
“And it sucks!”
“Oh, come on.”
“Really,” I said, leaning forward. “I never can tell if a girl wants me because she actually cares about me, or if it’s because of what I do. Every date I take out, I’m always listening for the first mention when she lets me know what she really wants. She tells me she’s a model and what do I think about maybe taking some photos of her? I even had one girl bring her portfolio on the first date.”
“That’s… that’s horrible,” Steph said. “They really do that?”
“Worse! I had one girl, after she gave me a blowjob she looked up and said Will you get my picture into Vogue now? What am I supposed to say to that?”
Steph’s eyes widened.
“You know the worst part?” I asked, pushing on. “There was one girl I met maybe two years ago. I liked her. I mean, I really liked her. I thought I loved her. Maybe I did love her.”
“What happened?”
“We were dating for a few weeks, and then I was at this club with her, and another younger girl flirted with me. And she didn’t even say anything, like she was going to ignore it. But I couldn’t ignore it. It made me mad; I didn’t know why, but it did. And you know what I did?”
“What?”
“I took that other girl to the back of the club, in one of the VIP rooms. I fucked her right there.”
Steph frowned. Maybe I’d told her too much. But no, dammit, she had to know.
“But… but why?” she asked, looking as wounded as if I’d done it to her.
I shook my head.
“I don’t know. I had this idea that it would be a test, you know? I came out and I told her that I cheated on her. I told her in front of everybody. And you know what she did?”
Steph’s brows furrowed in the middle of her forehead, but she didn’t say anything.
“She looked so hurt. So—damn—hurt. And then she smiled a little smile. She said It’s okay. That’s what she said. It’s okay. I’d just fucked another girl, and it was okay.
Because she didn’t really care about me. She never did. All she cared about was being able to say that she was dating Lucas Black.”
I swallowed the last of my wine and set the glass down carefully on the edge of the counter. I couldn’t meet Steph’s eyes.
“So that’s why I’m this way. I want… I want to be a gentleman for you, Steph. I rushed in way too quick at the beginning, I know. I’ve always done that, because it’s never been serious. But with you, I want it to be serious. I might be fucking it up, but I’m trying my best.”
Only then did I look up at her. She had a genuine look of surprise on her face.
“I’m… I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t know.”
It dawned on me that every muscle in my body was tense. I focused on my
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