isn’t supposed to be happening.
I can’t get Sophia out of my head. I think of her daily. Nightly. No matter how much I struggle to push her away.
I thought I could handle this. But I can’t.
Sophia is like an actual ray of light. I swear, the theatre lit up when she was in it.
Of course, I didn’t let on how I was feeling. I was the strict teacher. Firm but fair. Kind at times, and I didn’t go easy on her.
When she said, ‘Everyone has light in them’ … it nearly broke me.
‘Not everyone,’ I told her.
But I was wrong. I do have light in me. Something about Sophia lights me right up. I’m more open around her. Vulnerable.
I hate being out of control. But I like feeling human. I haven’t felt human in a very long time.
For Sophia’s one-on-one, I chose Call of the Night – a risqué, adult play starring a seductive ballerina.
You could say I was trying to torture myself. Or test myself. Perhaps I was. But I do happen to be a good teacher. And I knew it was a good part for Sophia. Something that could help her grow. Take her to the next level.
At first, Sophia said, ‘I can’t do this.’ She was so certain it was too much for her. But I knew different.
I made her get on the stage.
Then I offered to play Jonathan – the older man whom Jennifer is seducing.
It was torture, but I had to do it. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be fair. I couldn’t treat her differently to any of the other students. It is my job to teach her to the best of my abilities.
Sophia played Jennifer well at first. She even adlibbed. And she was sexy – as the character should be. But then she lost it.
She lost it because of me. I knew then that she had feelings too. It was written all over her face.
I had to end the session immediately. I’ve never felt so out of control. I wanted to grab her. To kiss her. To own her, all of her. Make her submit to me and feel things she’d never felt before … things she had no idea she even liked …
God.
Closeness. It’s not something I’m used to.
I have to conquer this somehow. I have to take control back.
33
I get up and walk along the path towards the main college buildings.
It’s beautiful here.
I love Ivy College at night. It’s so still.
The red-brick buildings are grey silver and the turrets are surrounded by stars.
I fell in love with this college as soon as I saw it. Londoners thought I was going to tear the place down, but nothing could be further from the truth.
I love old buildings. I love anything that stays in one place for a long time.
It was the ivy on these buildings that made me decide to buy. Another investor was competing over the college and wanted to rip it all off. Repair the brickwork underneath. But ivy protects, as well as destroys.
Ivy College with no ivy was a dreadful thought. So I bought the building, ivy and all.
Midnight.
I should go. It’s doing me no good being here. Knowing Sophia is sleeping nearby. She’s in the tall tower, an innocent princess with a beast lurking outside.
I wonder if she’s asleep. Or whether, like me, she’s obsessing over something that can never be.
As I head towards my car, I see the woods in the distance and remember Sophia walking through them on her first day of college.
In my mind, I see her standing at the edge of the trees, looking startled as I watched her from the car park.
I had to blink a few times to make sure she was real – a bare-footed angel under a pinky-white morning sky.
God, she was beautiful.
Leaves in her hair, feet damp from paddling in the lake.
When I think of the women I meet in Hollywood with their stiff hair and thousand-dollar gowns … to be so free. So natural.
Suddenly, I need to see the lake.
I walk quickly, a man who has lost all control, pushing past dark tree trunks.
The moon lights my way, and for a moment all I can hear is my own footsteps and an owl hooting. But as I get nearer the lake, I hear something else.
A gentle splash of water. And then
I can’t get Sophia out of my head. I think of her daily. Nightly. No matter how much I struggle to push her away.
I thought I could handle this. But I can’t.
Sophia is like an actual ray of light. I swear, the theatre lit up when she was in it.
Of course, I didn’t let on how I was feeling. I was the strict teacher. Firm but fair. Kind at times, and I didn’t go easy on her.
When she said, ‘Everyone has light in them’ … it nearly broke me.
‘Not everyone,’ I told her.
But I was wrong. I do have light in me. Something about Sophia lights me right up. I’m more open around her. Vulnerable.
I hate being out of control. But I like feeling human. I haven’t felt human in a very long time.
For Sophia’s one-on-one, I chose Call of the Night – a risqué, adult play starring a seductive ballerina.
You could say I was trying to torture myself. Or test myself. Perhaps I was. But I do happen to be a good teacher. And I knew it was a good part for Sophia. Something that could help her grow. Take her to the next level.
At first, Sophia said, ‘I can’t do this.’ She was so certain it was too much for her. But I knew different.
I made her get on the stage.
Then I offered to play Jonathan – the older man whom Jennifer is seducing.
It was torture, but I had to do it. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be fair. I couldn’t treat her differently to any of the other students. It is my job to teach her to the best of my abilities.
Sophia played Jennifer well at first. She even adlibbed. And she was sexy – as the character should be. But then she lost it.
She lost it because of me. I knew then that she had feelings too. It was written all over her face.
I had to end the session immediately. I’ve never felt so out of control. I wanted to grab her. To kiss her. To own her, all of her. Make her submit to me and feel things she’d never felt before … things she had no idea she even liked …
God.
Closeness. It’s not something I’m used to.
I have to conquer this somehow. I have to take control back.
33
I get up and walk along the path towards the main college buildings.
It’s beautiful here.
I love Ivy College at night. It’s so still.
The red-brick buildings are grey silver and the turrets are surrounded by stars.
I fell in love with this college as soon as I saw it. Londoners thought I was going to tear the place down, but nothing could be further from the truth.
I love old buildings. I love anything that stays in one place for a long time.
It was the ivy on these buildings that made me decide to buy. Another investor was competing over the college and wanted to rip it all off. Repair the brickwork underneath. But ivy protects, as well as destroys.
Ivy College with no ivy was a dreadful thought. So I bought the building, ivy and all.
Midnight.
I should go. It’s doing me no good being here. Knowing Sophia is sleeping nearby. She’s in the tall tower, an innocent princess with a beast lurking outside.
I wonder if she’s asleep. Or whether, like me, she’s obsessing over something that can never be.
As I head towards my car, I see the woods in the distance and remember Sophia walking through them on her first day of college.
In my mind, I see her standing at the edge of the trees, looking startled as I watched her from the car park.
I had to blink a few times to make sure she was real – a bare-footed angel under a pinky-white morning sky.
God, she was beautiful.
Leaves in her hair, feet damp from paddling in the lake.
When I think of the women I meet in Hollywood with their stiff hair and thousand-dollar gowns … to be so free. So natural.
Suddenly, I need to see the lake.
I walk quickly, a man who has lost all control, pushing past dark tree trunks.
The moon lights my way, and for a moment all I can hear is my own footsteps and an owl hooting. But as I get nearer the lake, I hear something else.
A gentle splash of water. And then
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