and toes, sure he'd come up with the finest
number in the universe? Did my mother kiss the top of my head and refuse to let
the nurse take me away to be cleaned up? Or did they simply hand me away, since
the real prize had been clamped between my belly and the placenta?
The new father finally hangs up the phone, laughing at absolutely nothing.
“Congratulations,” I say, when what I really want to tell him is to
pick up that baby of his and hold her tight, to set the moon on the edge of her
crib and to hang her name up in stars so that she never, ever does to him what
I have done to my parents.
I call Jesse collect. Twenty minutes later, he pulls up to the front
entrance. By now, Deputy Stackhouse has been notified that I've gone missing;
he's waiting at the door when I exit. “Anna, your mom's awfully worried
about you. She's paged your dad. He's got the whole hospital being turned
inside out.”
I take a deep breath. “Then you better go tell her I'm okay,” I
say, and I jump into the passenger door that Jesse's opened for me.
He peels away from the curb and lights a Merit, although I know for a fact
he told my mother he stopped smoking. He cranks up his music, hitting the flat
of his hand on the edge of the steering wheel. It isn't until he pulls off the
highway at the exit for Upper Darby that he shuts the radio off and slows down.
“So. Did she blow a gasket?”
“She paged Dad away from work.”
In our family, it is a cardinal sin to page my father away. Since his job is
emergencies, what crisis could we possibly have that compares? “Last time
she paged Dad,” Jesse informs me, “Kate was getting diagnosed.”
“Great.” I cross my arms. “That makes me feel infinitely
better.”
Jesse just smiles. He blows a smoke ring. “Sis,” he says,
“welcome to the Dark Side.”
They come in like a hurricane. Kate barely manages to look at me before my
father sends her upstairs to our room. My mother whacks her purse down, then
her car keys, and then advances on me. “All right,” she says, her
voice so tight it might snap. “What's going on?”
I clear my throat. “I got a lawyer.”
“Evidently.” My mother grabs the portable phone and hands it to
me. “Now get rid of him.”
It takes enormous effort, but I manage to shake my head and the phone into
the cushions of the couch.
“Anna, so help me—”
“Sara.” My father's voice is an ax. It comes between us, and sends
us both spinning. “I think we need to give Anna a chance to explain- We agreed
to give her a chance to explain, right?”
I duck my head. “I don't want to do it anymore.”
That ignites my mother. "Well, you know Anna, neither do In fact,
neither does Kate. But it's not something we have a choice about-'
The thing is, I do have a choice. Which is exactly why I have the one to do
this.
My mother stands over me. "You went to a lawyer and made him think this
is all about you—and it's not. It's about us. All of us—
My father's hands curl around her shoulders and squeeze-crouches down in
front of me, I smell smoke. He's come from someone else's fire right into the
middle of this one, and for this and nothing else. I'm embarrassed. "Anna,
honey, we know you think you were something you needed to do—'
“/ don't think that,” my mother interrupts.
My father closes his eyes. “Sara. Dammit, shut up.” Then he looks
at me again. “Can we talk, just us three, without a lawyer having to talk
for us?”
What he says makes my eyes fill up. But I knew this was coming—I lift my
chin and let the tears go at the same time. "Daddy, I can't—“
“For God's sake, Anna,” my mother says. “Do you even realize
what the consequences would be?”
My throat closes like the shutter of a camera, so that any air must move
through a tunnel as thin as a pin. I'm invisible I think, and realize
too late I have spoken out loud.
My mother moves so fast I do not even see it coming. But she slaps my face
hard enough to make my
number in the universe? Did my mother kiss the top of my head and refuse to let
the nurse take me away to be cleaned up? Or did they simply hand me away, since
the real prize had been clamped between my belly and the placenta?
The new father finally hangs up the phone, laughing at absolutely nothing.
“Congratulations,” I say, when what I really want to tell him is to
pick up that baby of his and hold her tight, to set the moon on the edge of her
crib and to hang her name up in stars so that she never, ever does to him what
I have done to my parents.
I call Jesse collect. Twenty minutes later, he pulls up to the front
entrance. By now, Deputy Stackhouse has been notified that I've gone missing;
he's waiting at the door when I exit. “Anna, your mom's awfully worried
about you. She's paged your dad. He's got the whole hospital being turned
inside out.”
I take a deep breath. “Then you better go tell her I'm okay,” I
say, and I jump into the passenger door that Jesse's opened for me.
He peels away from the curb and lights a Merit, although I know for a fact
he told my mother he stopped smoking. He cranks up his music, hitting the flat
of his hand on the edge of the steering wheel. It isn't until he pulls off the
highway at the exit for Upper Darby that he shuts the radio off and slows down.
“So. Did she blow a gasket?”
“She paged Dad away from work.”
In our family, it is a cardinal sin to page my father away. Since his job is
emergencies, what crisis could we possibly have that compares? “Last time
she paged Dad,” Jesse informs me, “Kate was getting diagnosed.”
“Great.” I cross my arms. “That makes me feel infinitely
better.”
Jesse just smiles. He blows a smoke ring. “Sis,” he says,
“welcome to the Dark Side.”
They come in like a hurricane. Kate barely manages to look at me before my
father sends her upstairs to our room. My mother whacks her purse down, then
her car keys, and then advances on me. “All right,” she says, her
voice so tight it might snap. “What's going on?”
I clear my throat. “I got a lawyer.”
“Evidently.” My mother grabs the portable phone and hands it to
me. “Now get rid of him.”
It takes enormous effort, but I manage to shake my head and the phone into
the cushions of the couch.
“Anna, so help me—”
“Sara.” My father's voice is an ax. It comes between us, and sends
us both spinning. “I think we need to give Anna a chance to explain- We agreed
to give her a chance to explain, right?”
I duck my head. “I don't want to do it anymore.”
That ignites my mother. "Well, you know Anna, neither do In fact,
neither does Kate. But it's not something we have a choice about-'
The thing is, I do have a choice. Which is exactly why I have the one to do
this.
My mother stands over me. "You went to a lawyer and made him think this
is all about you—and it's not. It's about us. All of us—
My father's hands curl around her shoulders and squeeze-crouches down in
front of me, I smell smoke. He's come from someone else's fire right into the
middle of this one, and for this and nothing else. I'm embarrassed. "Anna,
honey, we know you think you were something you needed to do—'
“/ don't think that,” my mother interrupts.
My father closes his eyes. “Sara. Dammit, shut up.” Then he looks
at me again. “Can we talk, just us three, without a lawyer having to talk
for us?”
What he says makes my eyes fill up. But I knew this was coming—I lift my
chin and let the tears go at the same time. "Daddy, I can't—“
“For God's sake, Anna,” my mother says. “Do you even realize
what the consequences would be?”
My throat closes like the shutter of a camera, so that any air must move
through a tunnel as thin as a pin. I'm invisible I think, and realize
too late I have spoken out loud.
My mother moves so fast I do not even see it coming. But she slaps my face
hard enough to make my
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