differently.”
More emotion than she’d felt towards Matt in a while flooded through her. “Thank you so much for asking. No, I don’t think anything inappropriate happened. We’d both had a few, and maybe we both should have moved more slowly, but I meant my yes. I just… didn’t feel the fireworks, Matt. I’m so sorry to say that,” she said as his face fell. “But I don’t think there’s ever going to be more between us than friendship. I hope I can keep your friendship, though, because you’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had, and it’d break my heart to lose you. But at the same time, if you need to step away, then I can understand that.”
He was silent for a long time before he looked up at her. “Thank you for being honest,” he said. She studied his face, his tone, trying to figure out what he was really saying. “I’m not going to say I’m not disappointed. And you know, if you ever decide to give it another chance, please just let me know. But at the same time, I don’t want to be that creeper guy who stalks you even though you’ve said ‘no.’”
She smiled at him, hoping he meant it. “I’m glad, Matt,” she said. “And I owe you an apology, too. I used you horribly that night, and I’m sorry for that. I had… an itch that I wanted to scratch, and that’s not what you use people for.”
He shrugged, his smile kind of sideways and broken underneath its smooth exterior. “If it helps, I was more than happy to be used.”
And there was the problem, she supposed. As far as she could tell, he utterly meant it. The words didn’t repel her, but they— Fuck, they were something she wanted to say. They were the sort of thing that flew through her mind when she’d imagined the man in 24 above her the previous night. Use me, fuck me, do it hard, do it now, hurt me .
What did that even mean about her? Did it say something about who she was? Something bad?
If she hadn’t heard of BDSM and Doms and subs before she’d have been living under a rock. But the whole concept had never seemed to match up well with her life as a vaguely religious, liberal nurse in East Texas. She couldn’t imagine herself all decked out in leather and chains, bound to a wall while someone beat her senseless. That all seemed extreme. But there was something else, something a bit more moderate in that realm, that made her clit ache to experience.
She’d never had the guts to tell anyone about it. She’d never looked one of her boyfriends in the eye and begged him to hold her down and call her names while he screwed her. Honestly, she thought most of them would be horrified if she asked. Matt included. And maybe that was why everything other than her fantasy life seemed so unsatisfactory.
Would telling Matt ever be an option, she wondered? He was so eager to please, so nearly desperate to do what she wanted—but how could she possibly find the words? He was so gentle and delicate, it would be almost a crime to ask him to change.
“It’s time for you to head to work,” he said, doing her the favor of not making her end the conversation awkwardly. “Thanks for breakfast. My turn next week?”
“Sure,” she said, almost on autopilot. She didn’t look at his eyes. She had a feeling the emotion she’d see there would break her heart. She finished her coffee, stood up, and hugged him, all without meeting his eyes.
“Thank you,” he said again. This time, she just nodded. She left the restaurant without looking back, climbed in her car, and drove to work. She stayed perfectly focused on the road, and blinked as hard and fast as she could to keep the tears from falling. It almost worked.
* * *
Leaving Matt behind, she could almost swear that she could feel him watching her, his eyes boring into—well, her butt. She didn’t have to hide her sigh as she got into her car. He’d been her best friend for so long; ruining it with this stupid
More emotion than she’d felt towards Matt in a while flooded through her. “Thank you so much for asking. No, I don’t think anything inappropriate happened. We’d both had a few, and maybe we both should have moved more slowly, but I meant my yes. I just… didn’t feel the fireworks, Matt. I’m so sorry to say that,” she said as his face fell. “But I don’t think there’s ever going to be more between us than friendship. I hope I can keep your friendship, though, because you’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had, and it’d break my heart to lose you. But at the same time, if you need to step away, then I can understand that.”
He was silent for a long time before he looked up at her. “Thank you for being honest,” he said. She studied his face, his tone, trying to figure out what he was really saying. “I’m not going to say I’m not disappointed. And you know, if you ever decide to give it another chance, please just let me know. But at the same time, I don’t want to be that creeper guy who stalks you even though you’ve said ‘no.’”
She smiled at him, hoping he meant it. “I’m glad, Matt,” she said. “And I owe you an apology, too. I used you horribly that night, and I’m sorry for that. I had… an itch that I wanted to scratch, and that’s not what you use people for.”
He shrugged, his smile kind of sideways and broken underneath its smooth exterior. “If it helps, I was more than happy to be used.”
And there was the problem, she supposed. As far as she could tell, he utterly meant it. The words didn’t repel her, but they— Fuck, they were something she wanted to say. They were the sort of thing that flew through her mind when she’d imagined the man in 24 above her the previous night. Use me, fuck me, do it hard, do it now, hurt me .
What did that even mean about her? Did it say something about who she was? Something bad?
If she hadn’t heard of BDSM and Doms and subs before she’d have been living under a rock. But the whole concept had never seemed to match up well with her life as a vaguely religious, liberal nurse in East Texas. She couldn’t imagine herself all decked out in leather and chains, bound to a wall while someone beat her senseless. That all seemed extreme. But there was something else, something a bit more moderate in that realm, that made her clit ache to experience.
She’d never had the guts to tell anyone about it. She’d never looked one of her boyfriends in the eye and begged him to hold her down and call her names while he screwed her. Honestly, she thought most of them would be horrified if she asked. Matt included. And maybe that was why everything other than her fantasy life seemed so unsatisfactory.
Would telling Matt ever be an option, she wondered? He was so eager to please, so nearly desperate to do what she wanted—but how could she possibly find the words? He was so gentle and delicate, it would be almost a crime to ask him to change.
“It’s time for you to head to work,” he said, doing her the favor of not making her end the conversation awkwardly. “Thanks for breakfast. My turn next week?”
“Sure,” she said, almost on autopilot. She didn’t look at his eyes. She had a feeling the emotion she’d see there would break her heart. She finished her coffee, stood up, and hugged him, all without meeting his eyes.
“Thank you,” he said again. This time, she just nodded. She left the restaurant without looking back, climbed in her car, and drove to work. She stayed perfectly focused on the road, and blinked as hard and fast as she could to keep the tears from falling. It almost worked.
* * *
Leaving Matt behind, she could almost swear that she could feel him watching her, his eyes boring into—well, her butt. She didn’t have to hide her sigh as she got into her car. He’d been her best friend for so long; ruining it with this stupid
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