thing regularly, you might want to see a counselor or something. Figure out where you stand.”
Michael had worked a hotline the first couple years of undergrad where he’d taken calls from kids questioning their sexuality. Talking academically about whether or not you were gay was always easier than the nitty-gritty of actual relationships. “Are you bi?”
Nicky backed up until the better part of his body was against the door. “What do you mean?”
Michael rolled his eyes. “Okay, yeah. Clearly you have some work to do figuring this out.”
A police car rolled through the park, and Michael checked the time on the car’s digital display. “Looks like they’re going to be closing the gates.”
“Yeah.” With a sigh that said he hadn’t gotten the response from Michael that he wanted, Nicky started the car. “We should probably go.” He pulled onto the road that led along the lake.
Lights flickered in houses and buildings on the other side, and sparse blue clouds floated across the navy sky. A couple stars were out—or they may have been airplanes.
Michael hadn’t done something like this in as long as he could remember, gone for a night drive with a guy he’d been intimate with. Junior year he’d dated that floppy skinny guy for a while, but that hadn’t lasted beyond spring break. Joseph had been a little too fem for Michael’s tastes, even though he’d been everything Michael wanted in bed.
Too bad Nicky was so clearly confused. Michael might have liked someone to hang out with for more time than it took to suck each other off.
“So…you’d be up for doing this again if…” Nicky pushed like he wanted an ultimatum, some agreement that would make him gay enough or out enough to meet Michael’s standards.
But it wasn’t as simple as being seen in public together, or as black-and-white as coming out at work. It came down to whether a guy was comfortable in his own skin. Not vacillating all the time, or jacking Michael with his hand while hating Michael in his heart.
No step-by-step guidelines would get Nicky to that place, though Michael wished Nicky were there already.
“Why don’t you think about it?” Michael watched the lake go by, the window cracked open and letting in the sweet summer smells. A comforting sadness twisted in his belly. “Call me when you figure it out.”
In Michael’s heart of hearts, he knew Nicky would call whether he’d decided anything about himself or not. Maybe it was Michael who needed a few days to cool off and get some perspective.
“Okay.” Nicky’s voice was quiet and perfectly serious when he muttered, “I will.”
Chapter Six
By the time Nicky pulled into the driveway and maneuvered the Lincoln between the abandoned planters and the trash cans he had to remember to take down to the curb the next day, his underwear had fully adhered to his dick.
The awkwardness of getting out of the car with his jean shorts shrink-wrapped around his hips was nothing, though, compared to the thoughts battering inside his skull.
Are you bi?
Nicky had never considered the question. He’d spent so many years trying not to be the other thing that he hadn’t stopped to consider the intermediate option. Early in high school, he’d stared in the mirror, thinking I’m not gay over and over, never daring to say it out loud but hoping repeating the words in his head could make them true.
The lights flickering behind the window shades showed that his mom was still awake, so there’d be no way of avoiding her. Would she see guilt in him? Funny, but Nicky had seldom felt guilty before when he’d gone to the park.
Sure, the first time there’d been guilt, but not any more than the first time he hid a porno under his bed or masturbated into a sock. It was all the same shame, the same cold spot in his stomach.
This was different. Not shame—not the feeling that he was fighting a desire bigger than himself and that lust was winning. This guilt was purer, and
Michael had worked a hotline the first couple years of undergrad where he’d taken calls from kids questioning their sexuality. Talking academically about whether or not you were gay was always easier than the nitty-gritty of actual relationships. “Are you bi?”
Nicky backed up until the better part of his body was against the door. “What do you mean?”
Michael rolled his eyes. “Okay, yeah. Clearly you have some work to do figuring this out.”
A police car rolled through the park, and Michael checked the time on the car’s digital display. “Looks like they’re going to be closing the gates.”
“Yeah.” With a sigh that said he hadn’t gotten the response from Michael that he wanted, Nicky started the car. “We should probably go.” He pulled onto the road that led along the lake.
Lights flickered in houses and buildings on the other side, and sparse blue clouds floated across the navy sky. A couple stars were out—or they may have been airplanes.
Michael hadn’t done something like this in as long as he could remember, gone for a night drive with a guy he’d been intimate with. Junior year he’d dated that floppy skinny guy for a while, but that hadn’t lasted beyond spring break. Joseph had been a little too fem for Michael’s tastes, even though he’d been everything Michael wanted in bed.
Too bad Nicky was so clearly confused. Michael might have liked someone to hang out with for more time than it took to suck each other off.
“So…you’d be up for doing this again if…” Nicky pushed like he wanted an ultimatum, some agreement that would make him gay enough or out enough to meet Michael’s standards.
But it wasn’t as simple as being seen in public together, or as black-and-white as coming out at work. It came down to whether a guy was comfortable in his own skin. Not vacillating all the time, or jacking Michael with his hand while hating Michael in his heart.
No step-by-step guidelines would get Nicky to that place, though Michael wished Nicky were there already.
“Why don’t you think about it?” Michael watched the lake go by, the window cracked open and letting in the sweet summer smells. A comforting sadness twisted in his belly. “Call me when you figure it out.”
In Michael’s heart of hearts, he knew Nicky would call whether he’d decided anything about himself or not. Maybe it was Michael who needed a few days to cool off and get some perspective.
“Okay.” Nicky’s voice was quiet and perfectly serious when he muttered, “I will.”
Chapter Six
By the time Nicky pulled into the driveway and maneuvered the Lincoln between the abandoned planters and the trash cans he had to remember to take down to the curb the next day, his underwear had fully adhered to his dick.
The awkwardness of getting out of the car with his jean shorts shrink-wrapped around his hips was nothing, though, compared to the thoughts battering inside his skull.
Are you bi?
Nicky had never considered the question. He’d spent so many years trying not to be the other thing that he hadn’t stopped to consider the intermediate option. Early in high school, he’d stared in the mirror, thinking I’m not gay over and over, never daring to say it out loud but hoping repeating the words in his head could make them true.
The lights flickering behind the window shades showed that his mom was still awake, so there’d be no way of avoiding her. Would she see guilt in him? Funny, but Nicky had seldom felt guilty before when he’d gone to the park.
Sure, the first time there’d been guilt, but not any more than the first time he hid a porno under his bed or masturbated into a sock. It was all the same shame, the same cold spot in his stomach.
This was different. Not shame—not the feeling that he was fighting a desire bigger than himself and that lust was winning. This guilt was purer, and
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