left.
“Tell me what you want to be able to say no to.”
Nick could think of a few things off the top of his head, but none of them were things he could imagine asking for. Letting himself ask for. And none of them had anything to do with keeping Holly healthy and safe. For a while, silence reigned.
“I don’t know,” Holly said at last. He kept his eyes on his mug, turning it around in his hands. “Everything. Nothing. I want to not fuck up. Feels like I’ll disappear if I don’t keep going, though. Like I’ll just go under the surface and not remember who I am. I’m nobody when I’m not doing all those things.”
“Holly.” Nick shook his head. “That’s not who you are. The person I keep seeing in the tabloids, that’s not you. You’re smart and charming and capable. I know that, even if you don’t. I think you’ll remember, though, if you give me a chance to help you.”
“I won’t say no.” Holly’s voice was small and tight, his shoulders curved like he was falling in on himself, fading away.
Oh, Holly. Nick put down his phone, moved his notes off his lap and reached over, using his fingertips to gently turn Holly toward him. “If you need to say no—if you need to—you can. Just tell me why. I’ll listen.”
“I know.” Holly closed his eyes and leaned into Nick’s touch. “I hate this,” he said very quietly.
“You’re going to make it through this.” Nick was going to make sure of it.
“I never meant for you to get involved. I don’t want to mess up your life.” Holly sighed heavily. “Back in school, I knew. I knew what would make you come running. I would have managed if you hadn’t. But sometimes I got in trouble just for that. I wasn’t doing that this time. I promise.”
It made sense, with all the other manipulations, that the various crises Holly had managed to get into had been deliberate attempts to get Nick’s attention. Holly had done so many things to get Nick’s attention back then. Nick had never suspected his breakdown in L.A. was one of those things.
“I believe you.” But he’d come running anyway. He’d needed to.
Holly nodded. “Thanks.” The mug wobbled in his grip, spattering tea all over. “Shit.” He wiped one hand on his jeans and held the mug out to Nick with the other. “I can’t do anything right.”
“Hey.” Nick took the mug and set it on the table next to his. “You’re doing fine. You’re just tired.” Part of it was the Xanax, Nick knew, but maybe some of it was that Holly hadn’t really slept since his life had gone downhill. “Go lie down, get some rest.”
Holly looked like he wanted to say something. Then his shoulders sagged. “I know.”
Nick watched Holly for a long moment, trying to figure out what was going on in his head. Finally he shook his head and asked, “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”
“It’s not…It’s nothing. I’m sorry.” Holly exhaled slowly, like he was deflating, and leaned over to put his head on Nick’s shoulder.
“I can’t fix anything if I don’t know what’s wrong,” Nick reminded him, but he didn’t push more than that. Holly would tell him if he could, if he was ready. Instead Nick shifted to get his arm around Holly’s shoulders. “Come here. Lie down and get some rest. I’ll get you up when it’s time to eat.”
“Okay.” Holly curled up on the couch with his head in Nick’s lap and made a contented noise. “You fix things just fine,” he said cryptically. He put his hand under his cheek on Nick’s thigh and squeezed gently.
Nick didn’t know what he’d fixed, but if Holly fell asleep, he’d call it a win. He got his notes from the table and set them on the arm of the love seat, picked up his phone and went back to work, petting Holly’s hair with his free hand.
It wasn’t long before Holly’s breathing slowed and became even and the tension ebbed out of his too-thin frame. He looked almost blissful. Even the tightness in his jaw
“Tell me what you want to be able to say no to.”
Nick could think of a few things off the top of his head, but none of them were things he could imagine asking for. Letting himself ask for. And none of them had anything to do with keeping Holly healthy and safe. For a while, silence reigned.
“I don’t know,” Holly said at last. He kept his eyes on his mug, turning it around in his hands. “Everything. Nothing. I want to not fuck up. Feels like I’ll disappear if I don’t keep going, though. Like I’ll just go under the surface and not remember who I am. I’m nobody when I’m not doing all those things.”
“Holly.” Nick shook his head. “That’s not who you are. The person I keep seeing in the tabloids, that’s not you. You’re smart and charming and capable. I know that, even if you don’t. I think you’ll remember, though, if you give me a chance to help you.”
“I won’t say no.” Holly’s voice was small and tight, his shoulders curved like he was falling in on himself, fading away.
Oh, Holly. Nick put down his phone, moved his notes off his lap and reached over, using his fingertips to gently turn Holly toward him. “If you need to say no—if you need to—you can. Just tell me why. I’ll listen.”
“I know.” Holly closed his eyes and leaned into Nick’s touch. “I hate this,” he said very quietly.
“You’re going to make it through this.” Nick was going to make sure of it.
“I never meant for you to get involved. I don’t want to mess up your life.” Holly sighed heavily. “Back in school, I knew. I knew what would make you come running. I would have managed if you hadn’t. But sometimes I got in trouble just for that. I wasn’t doing that this time. I promise.”
It made sense, with all the other manipulations, that the various crises Holly had managed to get into had been deliberate attempts to get Nick’s attention. Holly had done so many things to get Nick’s attention back then. Nick had never suspected his breakdown in L.A. was one of those things.
“I believe you.” But he’d come running anyway. He’d needed to.
Holly nodded. “Thanks.” The mug wobbled in his grip, spattering tea all over. “Shit.” He wiped one hand on his jeans and held the mug out to Nick with the other. “I can’t do anything right.”
“Hey.” Nick took the mug and set it on the table next to his. “You’re doing fine. You’re just tired.” Part of it was the Xanax, Nick knew, but maybe some of it was that Holly hadn’t really slept since his life had gone downhill. “Go lie down, get some rest.”
Holly looked like he wanted to say something. Then his shoulders sagged. “I know.”
Nick watched Holly for a long moment, trying to figure out what was going on in his head. Finally he shook his head and asked, “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”
“It’s not…It’s nothing. I’m sorry.” Holly exhaled slowly, like he was deflating, and leaned over to put his head on Nick’s shoulder.
“I can’t fix anything if I don’t know what’s wrong,” Nick reminded him, but he didn’t push more than that. Holly would tell him if he could, if he was ready. Instead Nick shifted to get his arm around Holly’s shoulders. “Come here. Lie down and get some rest. I’ll get you up when it’s time to eat.”
“Okay.” Holly curled up on the couch with his head in Nick’s lap and made a contented noise. “You fix things just fine,” he said cryptically. He put his hand under his cheek on Nick’s thigh and squeezed gently.
Nick didn’t know what he’d fixed, but if Holly fell asleep, he’d call it a win. He got his notes from the table and set them on the arm of the love seat, picked up his phone and went back to work, petting Holly’s hair with his free hand.
It wasn’t long before Holly’s breathing slowed and became even and the tension ebbed out of his too-thin frame. He looked almost blissful. Even the tightness in his jaw
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