be weird and painful and
fun
! Spend your entire high school career doing some or all of these:
Be with Him All the Time
If he talks to other people, he might find that he likes them. He might even like them better! This is simply too big a risk. In between classes, at lunch, after school, be there. Be the guy he talks to. Be the
only
guy he talks to.
Find Some Songs That Remind You of Him, Put Them All on a Mixtape, Listen to It All the Time
Bryan Ferry’s “Slave to Love.” The majestic ache of Heart’s “Alone.” Belinda Carlisle’s robotic vibrato in “I Get Weak.” Alison Moyet’s “Weak in the Presence of Beauty,” which is pretty much the same song. Put them all together—and many, many more!—on a Maxell ninety-minute tape and always have it on. Expert level: don’t be aware that this mixtape is actually about him, just tell yourself that these are your favorite songs all of a sudden.
Call Him Your Best Friend, Immediately
People love this, teenage boys especially. It’s just a fact: when you meet someone and you enjoy spending time with them, label it as quickly as you can. Everybody feels more secure that way. Do it!
Had a Fun Night Out? Go Tell Him About It
Everyone is starting to get their driver’s licenses, and you and the other Candy Store Boys are starting to get invited to girls’ school dances, because girls love boys who aren’t afraid to be the first one on the dance floor and won’t ever be sexually aggressive with them. Your social life is opening up. He’ll want to know! When the dance and the after party are over, go throw pebbles at your very best friend’s window, get him out of bed, and tell him everything that happened over late-night Fruity Pebbles and
Night Tracks.
Who needs sleep? Not him, probably!
Learn Some Fun Facts, Say Some Fun Facts
Your best friend might not be much of a talker. He might be the strong, silent type—a beguiling, mysterious, confident fellow who doesn’t need to be making a sound at all times to prove his worth. Fuck that! He probably just doesn’t know what to say. Casey Kasem can be a big help here; you can spit back some of his most useful facts: “Terence Trent D’Arby was born Terence Trent Howard in New York City!” “You know, Roxette is a duo now, but just a couple of years ago, they were successful solo artists in their native Sweden.” “Huey Lewis calls his new album
Small World
a real departure!” Just fill the air with noise. Fill it!
When You Go to Pick Him Up for a Night Out, Wait a Few Minutes Before You Knock
Say his parents go to bed early so you can’t ring the doorbell. Say he tells you to rap at the TV room window when you come to pick him up. Imagine the TV room is situated in such a way that the couch faces the window and when you go to knock on it, he’s facing you. His perfect legs are up on the coffee table, his blue eyes are on the TV, but they’re close enough to where you’re standing that you can imagine he’s looking
at you.
You can let yourself feel how it might feel to be this close to him, just a few feet away, the two of you staring at each other, feeling the same way, thinking the same thing. All around you, there’s a whole world of social activities, but this is where you truly need to be. Right here, imagining. Do this for as long as you feel like. This behavior falls under the umbrella of activities we will come to refer to as “stalking,” but that’s not important right now. Stay. Take it in.
If Possible, Do All of This in the 1980s
Everything that is painful about homosexuality still being the love that dare not speak its name can actually work in your favor here. What in the twenty-first century would immediately be recognizable as a young gay boy with a massive, awkward crush on a beautiful straight boy can now just look vaguely inappropriate in ways nobody can quite articulate. You don’t even need to tell yourself what you’re doing or why you’re doing it. Just do
fun
! Spend your entire high school career doing some or all of these:
Be with Him All the Time
If he talks to other people, he might find that he likes them. He might even like them better! This is simply too big a risk. In between classes, at lunch, after school, be there. Be the guy he talks to. Be the
only
guy he talks to.
Find Some Songs That Remind You of Him, Put Them All on a Mixtape, Listen to It All the Time
Bryan Ferry’s “Slave to Love.” The majestic ache of Heart’s “Alone.” Belinda Carlisle’s robotic vibrato in “I Get Weak.” Alison Moyet’s “Weak in the Presence of Beauty,” which is pretty much the same song. Put them all together—and many, many more!—on a Maxell ninety-minute tape and always have it on. Expert level: don’t be aware that this mixtape is actually about him, just tell yourself that these are your favorite songs all of a sudden.
Call Him Your Best Friend, Immediately
People love this, teenage boys especially. It’s just a fact: when you meet someone and you enjoy spending time with them, label it as quickly as you can. Everybody feels more secure that way. Do it!
Had a Fun Night Out? Go Tell Him About It
Everyone is starting to get their driver’s licenses, and you and the other Candy Store Boys are starting to get invited to girls’ school dances, because girls love boys who aren’t afraid to be the first one on the dance floor and won’t ever be sexually aggressive with them. Your social life is opening up. He’ll want to know! When the dance and the after party are over, go throw pebbles at your very best friend’s window, get him out of bed, and tell him everything that happened over late-night Fruity Pebbles and
Night Tracks.
Who needs sleep? Not him, probably!
Learn Some Fun Facts, Say Some Fun Facts
Your best friend might not be much of a talker. He might be the strong, silent type—a beguiling, mysterious, confident fellow who doesn’t need to be making a sound at all times to prove his worth. Fuck that! He probably just doesn’t know what to say. Casey Kasem can be a big help here; you can spit back some of his most useful facts: “Terence Trent D’Arby was born Terence Trent Howard in New York City!” “You know, Roxette is a duo now, but just a couple of years ago, they were successful solo artists in their native Sweden.” “Huey Lewis calls his new album
Small World
a real departure!” Just fill the air with noise. Fill it!
When You Go to Pick Him Up for a Night Out, Wait a Few Minutes Before You Knock
Say his parents go to bed early so you can’t ring the doorbell. Say he tells you to rap at the TV room window when you come to pick him up. Imagine the TV room is situated in such a way that the couch faces the window and when you go to knock on it, he’s facing you. His perfect legs are up on the coffee table, his blue eyes are on the TV, but they’re close enough to where you’re standing that you can imagine he’s looking
at you.
You can let yourself feel how it might feel to be this close to him, just a few feet away, the two of you staring at each other, feeling the same way, thinking the same thing. All around you, there’s a whole world of social activities, but this is where you truly need to be. Right here, imagining. Do this for as long as you feel like. This behavior falls under the umbrella of activities we will come to refer to as “stalking,” but that’s not important right now. Stay. Take it in.
If Possible, Do All of This in the 1980s
Everything that is painful about homosexuality still being the love that dare not speak its name can actually work in your favor here. What in the twenty-first century would immediately be recognizable as a young gay boy with a massive, awkward crush on a beautiful straight boy can now just look vaguely inappropriate in ways nobody can quite articulate. You don’t even need to tell yourself what you’re doing or why you’re doing it. Just do
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