asked.
‘Yeah, just treat them the same! I do that anyway. I’m nice to everyone, even Doreen Nifel, and she’s got really bad BO.’
‘Our very own Mother Teresa,’ Sally said, as we all laughed.
8
A few days later I arrived home from work to find Sarah pacing the hall.
‘Thank God you’re home.’
‘What’s wrong, pet?’
‘It’s Ali.’
‘Oh, my God, what happened?’
‘The stupid prick David dumped her for Tracy.’
‘Don’t say “prick”.’
‘Mum!’
‘It’s crass.’
‘Can you focus on the situation, please?’
‘So the little shit broke up with Ali to go out with that toothpick?’
‘She looks like a model.’
‘Ali’s beautiful.’
‘I know, she’s really pretty, but Tracy’s really confident and cool.’
‘Oh, God, poor Ali. How is she?’
‘Well, she’s a mess, obviously. It’s bad enough getting dumped, but for someone else in your class is the worst ever.’
‘I’ll go up to her.’
‘Wait for a bit. She’s on the phone to Donna now.’
‘How dare he? I could kill him.’
‘I know, but she needs to, like, get a grip. She was bawling crying in school today – everyone saw her. I told her she needed to pretend she didn’t care.’
‘Give her a break – it’s just happened and she really liked him.’
‘I’m aware of that, but you can’t go around freaking out in school. Everyone was talking about it – how poor Ali was so in love with David and he was never really that into her and how mad he is about Tracy. It’s embarrassing for Ali. She needs to go in tomorrow and act like she couldn’t give a toss about him.’
‘You’re right. She should go in looking stunning and completely ignore him.’
‘Exactly, and she should flirt with other guys and then the vultures like Jane Collins – who’s just a fat jealous cow – will stop gossiping.’
‘What did Jane do?’
‘She was like the News of the bloody World – she told everyone as soon as it happened. She fancies David, too.’
‘Is there anyone who doesn’t?’
‘Me! I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole. Besides, I’ve got a new boyfriend.’
‘Who and since when?’
She beamed. ‘Bobby! He asked me to go out with him this morning.’
‘Oh.’
‘ Oh? Mum, it’s the most amazing news ever. He said I’m the coolest chick in transition year, which coming from a jock is, like, major!’
‘Well, I’m delighted to hear it. Is he a nice boy? Is he bright?’
She shrieked. ‘He’s the youngest guy ever to play winger on the senior rugby team. He is God.’
‘Yes, but is he clever?’
‘I dunno. He’s not super-bright like Ali, but he’s not thick. He’s normal, like me.’
‘OK. Well, just make sure you don’t get too distracted with your boyfriend and neglect your studies. And be nice to your sister. The poor thing’s had a very tough time.’
‘I am being nice to her. I’ve given her my ten-step programme to get David to fancy her again. It’s foolproof. It’s never let me down.’
‘I don’t think that’s a good idea. I think she should forget about him and move on to someone the whole school doesn’t want to go out with.’
‘The whole point is that she gets him to fancy her again and then she can dump and humiliate him. So, do you want to hear my ten steps?’
‘Go on then.’ I sat back, prepared to be entertained.
Sarah reeled them off. ‘Step One: Always look your best, but don’t look like you’re trying too hard. Step Two: Whenever the guy you fancy is around, look like you’re having the best time ever. Start laughing and smiling. Step Three: Flirt with everyone else when he’s around, but not with him. Step Four: If it’s Valentine’s Day, send yourself cards to the school. Step Five: When you know you’re looking really hot, roll your skirt right up and bump into him on purpose and drop your books. He’ll help you pick them up and you can flirt just a little bit. Step Six: Find out what he’s interested in and read
‘Yeah, just treat them the same! I do that anyway. I’m nice to everyone, even Doreen Nifel, and she’s got really bad BO.’
‘Our very own Mother Teresa,’ Sally said, as we all laughed.
8
A few days later I arrived home from work to find Sarah pacing the hall.
‘Thank God you’re home.’
‘What’s wrong, pet?’
‘It’s Ali.’
‘Oh, my God, what happened?’
‘The stupid prick David dumped her for Tracy.’
‘Don’t say “prick”.’
‘Mum!’
‘It’s crass.’
‘Can you focus on the situation, please?’
‘So the little shit broke up with Ali to go out with that toothpick?’
‘She looks like a model.’
‘Ali’s beautiful.’
‘I know, she’s really pretty, but Tracy’s really confident and cool.’
‘Oh, God, poor Ali. How is she?’
‘Well, she’s a mess, obviously. It’s bad enough getting dumped, but for someone else in your class is the worst ever.’
‘I’ll go up to her.’
‘Wait for a bit. She’s on the phone to Donna now.’
‘How dare he? I could kill him.’
‘I know, but she needs to, like, get a grip. She was bawling crying in school today – everyone saw her. I told her she needed to pretend she didn’t care.’
‘Give her a break – it’s just happened and she really liked him.’
‘I’m aware of that, but you can’t go around freaking out in school. Everyone was talking about it – how poor Ali was so in love with David and he was never really that into her and how mad he is about Tracy. It’s embarrassing for Ali. She needs to go in tomorrow and act like she couldn’t give a toss about him.’
‘You’re right. She should go in looking stunning and completely ignore him.’
‘Exactly, and she should flirt with other guys and then the vultures like Jane Collins – who’s just a fat jealous cow – will stop gossiping.’
‘What did Jane do?’
‘She was like the News of the bloody World – she told everyone as soon as it happened. She fancies David, too.’
‘Is there anyone who doesn’t?’
‘Me! I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole. Besides, I’ve got a new boyfriend.’
‘Who and since when?’
She beamed. ‘Bobby! He asked me to go out with him this morning.’
‘Oh.’
‘ Oh? Mum, it’s the most amazing news ever. He said I’m the coolest chick in transition year, which coming from a jock is, like, major!’
‘Well, I’m delighted to hear it. Is he a nice boy? Is he bright?’
She shrieked. ‘He’s the youngest guy ever to play winger on the senior rugby team. He is God.’
‘Yes, but is he clever?’
‘I dunno. He’s not super-bright like Ali, but he’s not thick. He’s normal, like me.’
‘OK. Well, just make sure you don’t get too distracted with your boyfriend and neglect your studies. And be nice to your sister. The poor thing’s had a very tough time.’
‘I am being nice to her. I’ve given her my ten-step programme to get David to fancy her again. It’s foolproof. It’s never let me down.’
‘I don’t think that’s a good idea. I think she should forget about him and move on to someone the whole school doesn’t want to go out with.’
‘The whole point is that she gets him to fancy her again and then she can dump and humiliate him. So, do you want to hear my ten steps?’
‘Go on then.’ I sat back, prepared to be entertained.
Sarah reeled them off. ‘Step One: Always look your best, but don’t look like you’re trying too hard. Step Two: Whenever the guy you fancy is around, look like you’re having the best time ever. Start laughing and smiling. Step Three: Flirt with everyone else when he’s around, but not with him. Step Four: If it’s Valentine’s Day, send yourself cards to the school. Step Five: When you know you’re looking really hot, roll your skirt right up and bump into him on purpose and drop your books. He’ll help you pick them up and you can flirt just a little bit. Step Six: Find out what he’s interested in and read
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