Pop Tarts: Omnibus Edition by Brian Lovestar Page A

rag in the hallway as he did.
    Young Felix
followed, still puzzled.
    Naked Felix
headed straight to the coffee table, which was adorned with a copy
of today’s newspaper, knowingly folded over to expose the infamous
breasts of page 3. This was how Felix always left it.
    He picked it up
and read the date at the top of the page:
    Wednesday 15
May, 1987.

Chapter 17.
(RIP)

    That same date
in present time and preparations were well underway for Felix’s
funeral.
    Holly Wood was
still a complete mess. Fifi had returned from Switzerland to attend
but wasn’t happy that she’d been denied the chance to get to know
her long lost father.
    Holly’s
newfound best friend Cherry had managed to alleviate matters
somewhat, by pointing out Holly’s own personal devastation.
    They were going
to be burying an empty coffin of course, because no trace of
Felix’s body was indeed found.
    But then Cherry
had the ingenious idea to bury his old waxwork dummy instead.
    Master
Tussaud’s located it wasting away in the showroom basement and were
happy to donate it, especially with the increase in profits since
Felix unintentionally promoted their business with his drunken
antics.
    Holly thought
this was a splendid idea and insisted on an open casket, to ensure
she had a chance of some closure and to say a proper goodbye,
though Fifi thought it was a little creepy.
    As a fitting
tribute Holly and Cherry were joined by Rhino to perform together
for one final time, right there in the church grounds, as the
coffin was lowered into the burial plot.
    They sang what
was to be their final single ‘Hard Luck Kind of a Guy’ as the
lyrics were deemed more than appropriate, but adjusted them
slightly.
    Holly took on
lead vocal for the first time as her own personal tribute. She was
a little pitchy, but her saving grace: a Calrec Soundfield
microphone, courtesy of Stock Aitken and Waterman:
    “He found a
four-leaf clover one day, but before it could bring any luck his
way…
    He broke a
mirror in seven places, and blew all his money on the races…
    He was just a
hard luck kind of a guy, nothing ever went his way, I’ll tell you
no lie…
    He’s just a
hard luck kind of a guy, somebody tell me why…”
    She broke down
during the last line and had to be comforted by her also blubbing
band mates.
    Rhino was
surprised that his tears appeared to be real and he really didn’t
understand why. He was feeling super emotional. Was he actually
starting to like these two brazen trollops?
    They formed a
group hug as Fifi looked on slightly embarrassed and Felix’s
mannequin stuffed coffin was soon six feet under.
    A mysterious
woman, blonde and sultry, with dark sunglasses and a black veil,
watched from afar and summoned Rhino over.
    They then went
and whispered behind a tree.
    It was that old
scrubber Jade Astley, back from the dead!
    “Why are your
eyes puffy?” she sneered.
    “All part of
the act,” Rhino replied.
    But he was
lying. And he wasn’t quite sure why.
    “I was hoping
you’d trip one of those dumb arse bitches up, make them fall in the
grave,” Jade added.
    This woman was
pure evil, personified!
    Rhino was
scared of her.
    Was he under
her control?
    Was she the
real mastermind behind his duplicitous actions?
    Fake Rhino was
of course obsessed Pink Champagne fan Hawky Andrews, and he’d spent
nearly three decades thinking the sun shone out of their sagging
backsides.
    But now he was
starting to realise something.
    Maybe Tequila
Sun were the good guys after all?
    He’d had so
much fun sabotaging their comeback. Or was it that he’d just had so
much fun being a part of the band?
    He liked
Cherry. He liked Holly. But this Jade Astley creature was something
else.
    He didn’t like
the way she spoke about people and he didn’t like the way she spoke
to him.
    He regretted
rescuing her from the fiery lava under the bridge of
doooooooom.
    But there
wasn’t a thing he could do about it now.
    Or was
there?
    At that very
moment, as Fifi comforted