By The Bay” stretched on for miles surrounding my sprawling hilltop residence.
“Would you like a drink Edward?”
“No thanks Nigel. I already had a few.”
“I figured as much, but as your butler I felt compelled to offer.”
“Nigel……. did you ever know my grandfather to have a perverse sense of humor?”
“What do you mean perverse? Like sexual?”
“No. More like twisted or strange; self-serving - funny only to him?”
“No. Not at all. He had a bit of a vengeful streak though. He often delighted in getting back at people.”
“Maybe that’s why he did it…….maybe he was getting back at me for something?”
“What exactly did he do? Are you ever going to enlighten me or are we simply going to continue playing a game of Twenty Questions?”
“Nonno put two stipulations on my inheritance Nigel.”
“Really? Two stipulations you say?”
“You know what, on second thought I will have that drink Nigel. I’m getting pissed off just thinking about the whole thing again. My usual Scotch, neat please. Make one for yourself too if you want.”
“I’ll abstain thank you. My dinner is setting pretty heavy on my stomach tonight.”
Nigel poured my drink and set it down on a coaster to avoid creating a ring on my glass tabletop.
“Thanks Nigel. Anyway as I was saying, my grandfather amended his will that included two conditions.”
I took a long sip of my Scotch before I finally blurted out:
“ I have to be married and have a baby on the way by the old man’s birthday!”
Nigel’s face slowly worked itself into a very wicked smile.
“By Halloween? You don’t say? That sly old dog.”
“Why do you say that Nigel?”
“Well first of all Edward, I don’t believe your grandfather was joking at all. As a matter of fact I think he put a lot of serious thought into those stipulations.”
“Please at least sit down Nigel. It’s hard to talk to someone who’s hovering over me.”
Nigel took a seat in the overstuffed chair nearby.
“Now would you mind telling me what the hell you’re talking about?”
“It’s really quite simple. Think about it. What usually happens, or at least should happen, when a person marries and when a person becomes a parent?”
“They become miserable?”
“Do you want to have a serious conversation or not Edward?”
“I’m sorry Nigel. I couldn’t resist.”
“So Mr. Smart Ass……let’s try again. What traits usually develop in a person under those circumstances?”
“Resentment? Impatience and frustration?”
“Edward if these are your honest answers then I seriously pity Miss Jones.”
“Miss Jones?! What the fuck Nigel! What made you say Miss Jones?!”
“Well, am I wrong in assuming you have Miss Jones in mind for this task? She seems the obvious choice. Child bearing hips dear boy… Actually, if you don’t mind me saying so, you’d be a fool to consider choosing anybody but her.”
“Jesus Christ Nigel!” I stood up and walked over to the wall of windows. Nigel was always so damn frustratingly right.
“Did I say something out of line Edward? That was not my intent. I thought you wanted an honest dialogue.”
“I do! And yes Julia is my first choice! I just get annoyed when you’re right all the time!”
“Well there’s nothing I can do about that. I’m the best paid butler on the continent for a reason.”
“Yes I’m starting to realize that. Anyway, Julia is the other reason I’m kind of pissed.”
“Because you asked her but she hasn’t given you an answer yet?”
“Nigel! What the fuck man? Can’t you at least pretend you don’t know every fucking little thing?”
“Pretense has never been my strong suit. Besides, would you prefer I shield you from the truth like a child?”
“Of course not. But you have to admit you’re kind of smug.”
“Smugness is a prerequisite for butlering.”
“Anyway Nigel, let’s get back to your first question. I give up……..what traits do people develop when
“Would you like a drink Edward?”
“No thanks Nigel. I already had a few.”
“I figured as much, but as your butler I felt compelled to offer.”
“Nigel……. did you ever know my grandfather to have a perverse sense of humor?”
“What do you mean perverse? Like sexual?”
“No. More like twisted or strange; self-serving - funny only to him?”
“No. Not at all. He had a bit of a vengeful streak though. He often delighted in getting back at people.”
“Maybe that’s why he did it…….maybe he was getting back at me for something?”
“What exactly did he do? Are you ever going to enlighten me or are we simply going to continue playing a game of Twenty Questions?”
“Nonno put two stipulations on my inheritance Nigel.”
“Really? Two stipulations you say?”
“You know what, on second thought I will have that drink Nigel. I’m getting pissed off just thinking about the whole thing again. My usual Scotch, neat please. Make one for yourself too if you want.”
“I’ll abstain thank you. My dinner is setting pretty heavy on my stomach tonight.”
Nigel poured my drink and set it down on a coaster to avoid creating a ring on my glass tabletop.
“Thanks Nigel. Anyway as I was saying, my grandfather amended his will that included two conditions.”
I took a long sip of my Scotch before I finally blurted out:
“ I have to be married and have a baby on the way by the old man’s birthday!”
Nigel’s face slowly worked itself into a very wicked smile.
“By Halloween? You don’t say? That sly old dog.”
“Why do you say that Nigel?”
“Well first of all Edward, I don’t believe your grandfather was joking at all. As a matter of fact I think he put a lot of serious thought into those stipulations.”
“Please at least sit down Nigel. It’s hard to talk to someone who’s hovering over me.”
Nigel took a seat in the overstuffed chair nearby.
“Now would you mind telling me what the hell you’re talking about?”
“It’s really quite simple. Think about it. What usually happens, or at least should happen, when a person marries and when a person becomes a parent?”
“They become miserable?”
“Do you want to have a serious conversation or not Edward?”
“I’m sorry Nigel. I couldn’t resist.”
“So Mr. Smart Ass……let’s try again. What traits usually develop in a person under those circumstances?”
“Resentment? Impatience and frustration?”
“Edward if these are your honest answers then I seriously pity Miss Jones.”
“Miss Jones?! What the fuck Nigel! What made you say Miss Jones?!”
“Well, am I wrong in assuming you have Miss Jones in mind for this task? She seems the obvious choice. Child bearing hips dear boy… Actually, if you don’t mind me saying so, you’d be a fool to consider choosing anybody but her.”
“Jesus Christ Nigel!” I stood up and walked over to the wall of windows. Nigel was always so damn frustratingly right.
“Did I say something out of line Edward? That was not my intent. I thought you wanted an honest dialogue.”
“I do! And yes Julia is my first choice! I just get annoyed when you’re right all the time!”
“Well there’s nothing I can do about that. I’m the best paid butler on the continent for a reason.”
“Yes I’m starting to realize that. Anyway, Julia is the other reason I’m kind of pissed.”
“Because you asked her but she hasn’t given you an answer yet?”
“Nigel! What the fuck man? Can’t you at least pretend you don’t know every fucking little thing?”
“Pretense has never been my strong suit. Besides, would you prefer I shield you from the truth like a child?”
“Of course not. But you have to admit you’re kind of smug.”
“Smugness is a prerequisite for butlering.”
“Anyway Nigel, let’s get back to your first question. I give up……..what traits do people develop when
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