Pretty Ugly: A Novel by Kirker Butler Page B

pretty girls, and hard work! And in The Princess and the Queen, you’ll see all that, plus we’ll take you “behind the scenes” to see how pageants really work! Sure, it’s easy being pretty, but it’s a lot like work to get there! (That would be a great slogan for the show! Another good one might be: “One is glamorous, the other is glamour stressed .”)
    The show itself is genius in its simplicity. Basically, camera crews would follow me (a former beauty queen) and my multiple-award-winning daughter (a Southern Pageant Hall of Fame nominee) as we compete in the competitive world of children’s beauty pageants throughout the Southern United States. Cameras don’t lie! What you will see is the unvarnished truth of what makes beauty pageants the most popular entertainment events in the history of America!
    And if that’s not enough, as someone who watches only reality shows, I give you my personal 100% guarantee that this show will be the most entertaining and highest-rated show in your network’s history!
    Miranda then proceeded to cold-call every talent agency in Hollywood. When none of them called back, she made a solemn vow to never work with anyone who didn’t return a phone call. Undeterred, Miranda began contacting the networks directly, starting alphabetically with ABC and giving up when some smug intern at VH1 hung up halfway through her pitch.
    And then she remembered Maggie Lester. In third grade, Maggie was Miranda’s best friend for about a month. Now living in Los Angeles, Maggie was married to a man who wrote for a popular animated show called The Stupids. Miranda friended her with a painstakingly casual, Oh-my-God-I-was-just-poking-around-on-Facebook-and-found-your-name-blah-blah-blah message. A few pleasant exchanges about careers, family, and the past twenty-four years passed before Miranda got to the point.
    So … I feel bad for not saying something sooner, but please tell your husband how much I like his show. Really funny!! Seriously. My kids love it! You know … I’ve been doing some writing, too. I know. Crazy, right? But I have to say … I do think it’s pretty good. It’s a reality show. I don’t want to say too much, you know, for legal reasons. Not that I think you would steal it, but someone else might read this. But if you want, I could send you a secure copy (or a fax), and if you like it I wouldn’t mind if you gave it to your husband to pass along to his agent or the head of the network his show is on. And don’t worry … if they want to buy it, I won’t forget who helped me out!;)
    Maggie never responded, and while disappointed, Miranda tried to remain stoic.
    “I never would have thought little Maggie Lester would turn into some stuck-up Hollywood phony,” she told Ray while sitting in bed updating Bailey’s Flickr page. “I guess you never really do know people.”
    Standing outside the hotel, her hands shaking with rage, Miranda read the Shooting Notice again and tried to figure out whom this fucking show could possibly be about. But in her heart, she knew. She knew it like she knew her own fears. If it wasn’t Bailey, there was only one other logical choice: Starr Kennedy and her grosshog bitch bag of a mother, Theresa.
    Starr was arguably the greatest child pageant contestant ever. By the age of five, she had broken the record for most consecutive wins (thirty-six), and by seven had entered Guinness World Records for “Most Concurrent Beauty Pageant Titles” (fifty-two). Rumors were circulating that Donald Trump himself had been keeping tabs on her for the Miss Teen USA Pageant, rumors undoubtedly started by the publicist Theresa got Starr for her eighth birthday. One of Miranda’s greatest failures as a mother was that Bailey had never beaten Starr in competition. She did, however, take Starr’s crown for Little Miss Golden Roses when the girl was forced to step down over allegations that Theresa provided sexual favors to one of the judges.
    Calling