Day.’
‘Joanna, that’s another reason I love you. You’re able to impose narrative coherence on the likes of us at this time of night. What could be more flattering than a hostess who can make her guests imagine they’re sticking to the point?’
‘Put that on next year’s Valentine, Phil.’
‘And does everyone agree tonight’s blood or ruby orange salad was fit to set before a queen?’
‘And the neck-of-lamb stew fit to be set before a king.’
‘Charles the First’s final request.’
‘He wore two shirts.’
‘Charles the First?’
‘On the day he was beheaded. It was extremely cold, and he didn’t want to start shivering and have Ye People believe he was frightened.’
‘ That ’s pretty British.’
‘All those people who dress up in period costume and fight Civil War battles all over again. That’s very British too, I always think.’
‘Well, we do it in the States. I guess in lots of other countries too.’
‘OK, but we did it first . We invented it.’
‘Like your cricket and your soccer and your Devonshire cream teas.’
‘If we can stick to marmalade for the moment.’
‘It gives a good glaze to a duck.’
‘I bet everyone here who makes it does it differently and wants a different consistency.’
‘Runny.’
‘Sticky.’
‘Sue boils it so hard it falls off the toast if you aren’t careful. No stick at all.’
‘Well, if you leave it too runny it pours off the toast.’
‘You have to put the pips in a muslin bag to get extra … whatsit.’
‘Pectin.’
‘That’s the stuff.’
‘Fine cut.’
‘Coarse.’
‘I cut mine up in the Magimix.’
‘Cheat.’
‘My friend Hazel does hers in the pressure cooker.’
‘But that’s my point. It’s like boiling an egg. Or was it frying? They did a survey and discovered everyone does it differently and everyone thinks theirs is the right way.’
‘Is this leading anywhere, O keeper of the communal narrative?’
‘What Larry was saying. About us all being the same. But we aren’t. Not even with the simplest things.’
‘The marmalade theory of Britishness.’
‘That’s why you shouldn’t be afraid of being Europeans. All of you guys.’
‘I don’t know if Larry was in the country when our distinguished Chancellor of the Exchequer, now soon-to-be-ex-prime minister, Mr Brown, laid down a number of conditions before we would submerge the good old British pound in the filthy foreign euro.’
‘Converge. Not submerge. The tests for convergence.’
‘Can anyone remember them, by the way? Even one of them?’
‘Of course not. They weren’t designed to be comprehensible. They were designed to be incomprehensible, and, therefore, unmemorable.’
‘Why?’
‘Because the decision to join the euro was always going to be political not economic.’
‘That’s very lucid and may even be correct.’
‘But does anyone think the French are less French, or the Italians less Italian, because they joined the euro?’
‘The French will always be French.’
‘That’s what they say about you.’
‘That we’ll always be French?’
‘Anyway, you don’t need Seville oranges to make marmalade.’
‘I’m glad we’re back on the subject.’
‘Dick’s made it with every kind of citrus fruit.’
‘There goes my reputation.’
‘There was one year he made it with a mixture of – what was it? – Sevilles, sweet oranges, pink grapefruit, yellow grapefruit, lemons and limes. Six-fruit marmalade, I put on the labels.’
‘That wouldn’t get past EU regulations.’
‘Remind me – mint tea, mint tea, nothing, decaf, mint tea?’
‘I’ll switch to nothing tonight.’
‘So much for my chances later on.’
‘David, sweetie …’
‘Yes, Sue, sweetie?’
‘OK, since you raised it. Just to ask a non-British question, have any of us, in recent memory, left Phil and Joanna’s table and gone home and …’
‘“Had a spot of old-fashioned nookie” is what she’s trying to
‘Joanna, that’s another reason I love you. You’re able to impose narrative coherence on the likes of us at this time of night. What could be more flattering than a hostess who can make her guests imagine they’re sticking to the point?’
‘Put that on next year’s Valentine, Phil.’
‘And does everyone agree tonight’s blood or ruby orange salad was fit to set before a queen?’
‘And the neck-of-lamb stew fit to be set before a king.’
‘Charles the First’s final request.’
‘He wore two shirts.’
‘Charles the First?’
‘On the day he was beheaded. It was extremely cold, and he didn’t want to start shivering and have Ye People believe he was frightened.’
‘ That ’s pretty British.’
‘All those people who dress up in period costume and fight Civil War battles all over again. That’s very British too, I always think.’
‘Well, we do it in the States. I guess in lots of other countries too.’
‘OK, but we did it first . We invented it.’
‘Like your cricket and your soccer and your Devonshire cream teas.’
‘If we can stick to marmalade for the moment.’
‘It gives a good glaze to a duck.’
‘I bet everyone here who makes it does it differently and wants a different consistency.’
‘Runny.’
‘Sticky.’
‘Sue boils it so hard it falls off the toast if you aren’t careful. No stick at all.’
‘Well, if you leave it too runny it pours off the toast.’
‘You have to put the pips in a muslin bag to get extra … whatsit.’
‘Pectin.’
‘That’s the stuff.’
‘Fine cut.’
‘Coarse.’
‘I cut mine up in the Magimix.’
‘Cheat.’
‘My friend Hazel does hers in the pressure cooker.’
‘But that’s my point. It’s like boiling an egg. Or was it frying? They did a survey and discovered everyone does it differently and everyone thinks theirs is the right way.’
‘Is this leading anywhere, O keeper of the communal narrative?’
‘What Larry was saying. About us all being the same. But we aren’t. Not even with the simplest things.’
‘The marmalade theory of Britishness.’
‘That’s why you shouldn’t be afraid of being Europeans. All of you guys.’
‘I don’t know if Larry was in the country when our distinguished Chancellor of the Exchequer, now soon-to-be-ex-prime minister, Mr Brown, laid down a number of conditions before we would submerge the good old British pound in the filthy foreign euro.’
‘Converge. Not submerge. The tests for convergence.’
‘Can anyone remember them, by the way? Even one of them?’
‘Of course not. They weren’t designed to be comprehensible. They were designed to be incomprehensible, and, therefore, unmemorable.’
‘Why?’
‘Because the decision to join the euro was always going to be political not economic.’
‘That’s very lucid and may even be correct.’
‘But does anyone think the French are less French, or the Italians less Italian, because they joined the euro?’
‘The French will always be French.’
‘That’s what they say about you.’
‘That we’ll always be French?’
‘Anyway, you don’t need Seville oranges to make marmalade.’
‘I’m glad we’re back on the subject.’
‘Dick’s made it with every kind of citrus fruit.’
‘There goes my reputation.’
‘There was one year he made it with a mixture of – what was it? – Sevilles, sweet oranges, pink grapefruit, yellow grapefruit, lemons and limes. Six-fruit marmalade, I put on the labels.’
‘That wouldn’t get past EU regulations.’
‘Remind me – mint tea, mint tea, nothing, decaf, mint tea?’
‘I’ll switch to nothing tonight.’
‘So much for my chances later on.’
‘David, sweetie …’
‘Yes, Sue, sweetie?’
‘OK, since you raised it. Just to ask a non-British question, have any of us, in recent memory, left Phil and Joanna’s table and gone home and …’
‘“Had a spot of old-fashioned nookie” is what she’s trying to
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