watching her cry so I gave her a hug.
‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry,’ I said into her shoulder. I couldn’t think of anything else to say.
‘I wish I could think he was a dickhead,’ she said. ‘But I can’t. I just … I just don’t understand anything. I don’t know why he did it.’
She sat down on the landing and leaned against her bedroom door. I sat down next to her.
‘But what did he say?’ I asked.
She took a deep sort of shuddering breath.
‘He said he was really sorry, but it didn’t feel right anymore,’ she said. ‘And he couldn’t help it.’ She rubbed between her brows with her fingers.
‘Were there, I dunno, any signs?’ I said. ‘Looking back?’
‘No,’ she said. ‘Not really. Not at all. I keep thinking there must have been, but I really thought everything was okay.’ Shelooked like she was going to start crying again for a moment, but then she swallowed and went on. ‘He just doesn’t want to go out with me anymore.’
I couldn’t think of anything to say. But then I remembered that she hadn’t eaten anything for hours.
‘Would you like some toast?’ I said.
Rachel looked at me in surprise.
‘Um, okay,’ she said.
So I went downstairs and made her some toast. When I went back upstairs, she was lying on her bed staring into space and listening to Neil Young singing about everyone going out and having fun while he was sitting at home having none and being lonesome.
‘Here you go,’ I said, and handed her the toast.
‘Thanks,’ she said. She took a bite out of it. ‘I keep thinking it can’t be true,’ she said. It was almost as if she was talking to herself. ‘I mean, obviously I know it is. True. But I can’t totally believe it deep down. I keep thinking he’s going to change his mind. Do you think he could?’
I’m not really used to Rachel talking to me like this. Usually it’s me who’s having some sort of emotional issue and she’s the one offering her great advice like a wise woman of the world. So it felt very weird.
‘I suppose he could,’ I said. ‘Maybe he was just having some sort of mental crisis and soon he’ll realise it’s all been a terrible mistake.’
Rachel sighed.
‘Maybe,’ she said. ‘But … no, he won’t. He seemed pretty sure. Oh God, I don’t know.’ She looked like she might cry again for a moment. ‘Do you mind leaving me on my own for a while?’
‘Sure,’ I said.
‘Thanks for the toast,’ she said.
‘It’s okay,’ I said. ‘Let me know if you need more food.’
And then I left her, still listening to Neil’s wailings. I wish there was something I could do. Maybe Tom really will change his mind? I mean, they seemed so happy together. And I suppose he really was nice, even though he was a bit boring and perfect (though not all that perfect, clearly). And Rachel might sometimes be an annoying big sister, but she’s basically a decent person. Why did he change his mind about her? It’s not like when I realised what a selfish goon John was. How can you suddenly decide you don’t want to go out with someone who is a nice person when you’ve been with them for so long? It doesn’t make any sense.
I rang Alice (on the landline – I actually feel so rattled by the whole thing that text or IM weren’t enough for me) and told her about what happened. She was shocked as well.
‘And Rachel really had no idea?’ she said.
‘She says not,’ I said.
‘Poor Rachel,’ said Alice sadly. ‘Maybe we could do something to cheer her up?’
This would be a great idea, but I can’t think of anything that would make her more cheerful at the moment. Neither could Alice, really. She eventually suggested writing a song for her, but I don’t think that would do the trick. I wrote her one for her birthday and I think she was more amused than touched. But hopefully we’ll manage to think of something better.
At least Rachel isn’t on her own now. Jenny came round earlier. She’s been up in Rachel’s
‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry,’ I said into her shoulder. I couldn’t think of anything else to say.
‘I wish I could think he was a dickhead,’ she said. ‘But I can’t. I just … I just don’t understand anything. I don’t know why he did it.’
She sat down on the landing and leaned against her bedroom door. I sat down next to her.
‘But what did he say?’ I asked.
She took a deep sort of shuddering breath.
‘He said he was really sorry, but it didn’t feel right anymore,’ she said. ‘And he couldn’t help it.’ She rubbed between her brows with her fingers.
‘Were there, I dunno, any signs?’ I said. ‘Looking back?’
‘No,’ she said. ‘Not really. Not at all. I keep thinking there must have been, but I really thought everything was okay.’ Shelooked like she was going to start crying again for a moment, but then she swallowed and went on. ‘He just doesn’t want to go out with me anymore.’
I couldn’t think of anything to say. But then I remembered that she hadn’t eaten anything for hours.
‘Would you like some toast?’ I said.
Rachel looked at me in surprise.
‘Um, okay,’ she said.
So I went downstairs and made her some toast. When I went back upstairs, she was lying on her bed staring into space and listening to Neil Young singing about everyone going out and having fun while he was sitting at home having none and being lonesome.
‘Here you go,’ I said, and handed her the toast.
‘Thanks,’ she said. She took a bite out of it. ‘I keep thinking it can’t be true,’ she said. It was almost as if she was talking to herself. ‘I mean, obviously I know it is. True. But I can’t totally believe it deep down. I keep thinking he’s going to change his mind. Do you think he could?’
I’m not really used to Rachel talking to me like this. Usually it’s me who’s having some sort of emotional issue and she’s the one offering her great advice like a wise woman of the world. So it felt very weird.
‘I suppose he could,’ I said. ‘Maybe he was just having some sort of mental crisis and soon he’ll realise it’s all been a terrible mistake.’
Rachel sighed.
‘Maybe,’ she said. ‘But … no, he won’t. He seemed pretty sure. Oh God, I don’t know.’ She looked like she might cry again for a moment. ‘Do you mind leaving me on my own for a while?’
‘Sure,’ I said.
‘Thanks for the toast,’ she said.
‘It’s okay,’ I said. ‘Let me know if you need more food.’
And then I left her, still listening to Neil’s wailings. I wish there was something I could do. Maybe Tom really will change his mind? I mean, they seemed so happy together. And I suppose he really was nice, even though he was a bit boring and perfect (though not all that perfect, clearly). And Rachel might sometimes be an annoying big sister, but she’s basically a decent person. Why did he change his mind about her? It’s not like when I realised what a selfish goon John was. How can you suddenly decide you don’t want to go out with someone who is a nice person when you’ve been with them for so long? It doesn’t make any sense.
I rang Alice (on the landline – I actually feel so rattled by the whole thing that text or IM weren’t enough for me) and told her about what happened. She was shocked as well.
‘And Rachel really had no idea?’ she said.
‘She says not,’ I said.
‘Poor Rachel,’ said Alice sadly. ‘Maybe we could do something to cheer her up?’
This would be a great idea, but I can’t think of anything that would make her more cheerful at the moment. Neither could Alice, really. She eventually suggested writing a song for her, but I don’t think that would do the trick. I wrote her one for her birthday and I think she was more amused than touched. But hopefully we’ll manage to think of something better.
At least Rachel isn’t on her own now. Jenny came round earlier. She’s been up in Rachel’s
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