from before, the woman with Evan, is gone and she’s never coming back. She left the day Evan left and there’s nothing to rely on. There’s nothing to grasp. I’m falling and I’ll never be able to let go of this feeling.
Dread.
Depression.
Loss.
I’ll forever be alone.
It’s quiet and the house is clean. I look around and see what Mason’s done. Silently I thank him and feel a little better. There’s a note on the counter from Mason. I pick it up and read what he’s written.
“Jackass,” I laugh and head back to my bedroom and look around. When I walk to my closet to change into something other than a tank and shorts I look at the clothes and thumb through Evan’s. I’m stuck in my own world. I can’t put away his clothes and change anything in our house. If I put away his clothes and put away our memories then he’s really gone and that’s not something I want to believe. Deep down I know he’s gone. I saw his body in the coffin, I used to visit his grave every week, and I don’t feel him like I used to. Even though I know all of this I still can’t admit he’s gone.
I won’t.
It’s been a few months since I’ve visited his grave. Thinking about sitting in front of his tombstone brings the ache back and it’s something I can’t bring myself to do. Seeing his grave makes it all real even though I know he’s dead and never coming home. I want him to come back so badly. I want to feel his touch. I want to feel his kiss and have him make my body come alive again. Touching my lips I close my eyes and remember the times we made love, and how he felt inside of me.
My eyes open and I look away from my closet. Stepping out I shut my closet door and change into a sun dress and go to the bathroom to fix my hair. My phone rings and I pick it up to see a text from Tonya.
Tonya: I’m back, did you miss me?
Me: So much. =(
Tonya: What’s wrong?
Me: Another break down, but I’m okay. Seriously I’m okay.
Tonya: I can come over if you want!
Me: No, I’m good. What’s up?
Tonya: So Walker told me he talked to you. Still planning on not coming back? You can’t do this to yourself. You know the district will hold your position. No one will fill it.
Me: No. It’s too much. I know and please don’t yell at me. He knows how I am and the papers were already submitted.
Tonya: Babe, I won’t yell. I know this is hard, but I wish you could do something more. I know you turned in the papers. Walker could work his magic and get you back. Only if you’re ready.
Me: I don’t think that’s ever going to happen.
Tonya: I get it. I’m coming over tomorrow and we’re doing dinner.
Me: Sure. Sounds good. Mason’s coming over after he gets out of work to talk to me. He cleaned my house. Kinda weird.
Tonya: Well, he’s a friend. He was Evan’s best friend. I’m sure he’s watching out for you and making sure you’re alive. I’m glad he’s around.
Me: Yeah me too.
Tonya: Okay, babe, gotta get some stuff done. I’ll see you later.
Me: Okay, have a good day. <3
Tonya: <3
The rest of the day and night goes by without too much going on. I find myself looking up projects I can do around the house and continue to keep myself busy. Looking through more pictures I grab my scrapbook box and get to work. It’s mindless what I’m doing, but keeps me calm.
After a few hours of being creative I get up and walk outside to get fresh air. I check out my garden and frown at how small and dead it is so I make a mental note to swing by the flower shop tomorrow or over the weekend.
When it’s time for bed I climb in and feeling a little bit better. Not able to fall asleep I grab my Kindle and start a new book. Reading takes me away to a new place. When I’m reading I don’t think about real life or what’s going on with me. I think about the characters and how powerful words can be. Before long I’m finishing this book and look over at the time.
“Holy shit,” I rub my eyes and can’t believe
Dread.
Depression.
Loss.
I’ll forever be alone.
It’s quiet and the house is clean. I look around and see what Mason’s done. Silently I thank him and feel a little better. There’s a note on the counter from Mason. I pick it up and read what he’s written.
“Jackass,” I laugh and head back to my bedroom and look around. When I walk to my closet to change into something other than a tank and shorts I look at the clothes and thumb through Evan’s. I’m stuck in my own world. I can’t put away his clothes and change anything in our house. If I put away his clothes and put away our memories then he’s really gone and that’s not something I want to believe. Deep down I know he’s gone. I saw his body in the coffin, I used to visit his grave every week, and I don’t feel him like I used to. Even though I know all of this I still can’t admit he’s gone.
I won’t.
It’s been a few months since I’ve visited his grave. Thinking about sitting in front of his tombstone brings the ache back and it’s something I can’t bring myself to do. Seeing his grave makes it all real even though I know he’s dead and never coming home. I want him to come back so badly. I want to feel his touch. I want to feel his kiss and have him make my body come alive again. Touching my lips I close my eyes and remember the times we made love, and how he felt inside of me.
My eyes open and I look away from my closet. Stepping out I shut my closet door and change into a sun dress and go to the bathroom to fix my hair. My phone rings and I pick it up to see a text from Tonya.
Tonya: I’m back, did you miss me?
Me: So much. =(
Tonya: What’s wrong?
Me: Another break down, but I’m okay. Seriously I’m okay.
Tonya: I can come over if you want!
Me: No, I’m good. What’s up?
Tonya: So Walker told me he talked to you. Still planning on not coming back? You can’t do this to yourself. You know the district will hold your position. No one will fill it.
Me: No. It’s too much. I know and please don’t yell at me. He knows how I am and the papers were already submitted.
Tonya: Babe, I won’t yell. I know this is hard, but I wish you could do something more. I know you turned in the papers. Walker could work his magic and get you back. Only if you’re ready.
Me: I don’t think that’s ever going to happen.
Tonya: I get it. I’m coming over tomorrow and we’re doing dinner.
Me: Sure. Sounds good. Mason’s coming over after he gets out of work to talk to me. He cleaned my house. Kinda weird.
Tonya: Well, he’s a friend. He was Evan’s best friend. I’m sure he’s watching out for you and making sure you’re alive. I’m glad he’s around.
Me: Yeah me too.
Tonya: Okay, babe, gotta get some stuff done. I’ll see you later.
Me: Okay, have a good day. <3
Tonya: <3
The rest of the day and night goes by without too much going on. I find myself looking up projects I can do around the house and continue to keep myself busy. Looking through more pictures I grab my scrapbook box and get to work. It’s mindless what I’m doing, but keeps me calm.
After a few hours of being creative I get up and walk outside to get fresh air. I check out my garden and frown at how small and dead it is so I make a mental note to swing by the flower shop tomorrow or over the weekend.
When it’s time for bed I climb in and feeling a little bit better. Not able to fall asleep I grab my Kindle and start a new book. Reading takes me away to a new place. When I’m reading I don’t think about real life or what’s going on with me. I think about the characters and how powerful words can be. Before long I’m finishing this book and look over at the time.
“Holy shit,” I rub my eyes and can’t believe
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