out for him. When we went to Jessica and Sams over the weekend Sam had spiked his hair up so now I have to do it everyday. He does look adorable but I'm reminded again who his dad is because I know that Jax spikes his in this signature messy due.
"Mummy?"
I shake my head clear of my Jax daydream and straighten myself up.
"Right OK. Lets go."
"Yessss! Lets go! Lets go!"
I laugh at my little rockstar as he runs out onto our drive jumping at the side of the car, doing his little excited dance.
*~*~*
I'm sat in the staff room at work with Tanya and she's talking about is the shopping trip. Apparently she took a look in her wardrobe, which I'm pretty sure is full because she's always shopping and thought there was nothing for her to wear. I don't believe that for a second.
"I just need fresh new clothes Kendal, there all from last summer and the year before that!"
I roll my eyes, I can just see her now chucking everything out of her wardrobe on a mad warpath.
"I need your advice on my new clothes. You know what your talking about when it comes to clothes."
I scoff, I do not. I get up, see to Finley and chuck whatever on that I fancy that particular day. No thought process into it.
"I don't plan my outfits Tanya, I'm in too much of a rush in the mornings."
"Yea well you have this I-don't-try-but-I-still-look-sexy-as-hell look going on."
I can't help it but I lean my head back and laugh out loud.
"Oh and by the way, no shopping for Finley. Just for you and I mean it."
"What! I have to. I feel guilty Tan and I have to get him something. Even a toy."
Tanya shakes her head and takes a big sip of her tea.
"No Kendal. You need to treat yourself, I've seen Finley's wardrobe, that boy has more clothes than me. He doesn't need anything else. This is a girls day out, where going to boutiques and shops for us."
I huff in irritation.
"Fine but if I see something don't blame me, you know I can't help myself."
I welcome the silence as I drink my tea while Tanya flicks through a magazine. My mind wonders to reading that article from the paper. That was ten days ago now, and the pain in my heart still feels the same as if I have just read it again. Everyone's cautious about what they say to me and it's pissing me off. I am a grown woman and there all treating me like a baby. I still haven't told Sophie who Finley's dad is yet, she hasn't seen Finley yet either. That's partly my fault because I'm still scared in case she recognizes who his dad is and the longer I leave it the worse it is to come clean. I feel terrible not telling her but it is a huge secret and even though I really like Sophie we have only known her for nearly three months. When I know more about this hole fan situation and we have known each other longer then I will tell her. But right now I love the fact Jessica can't grill me when were around Sophie. Ever since I told her about my change of mind about Jax she has been pressing me if I have thought about it more and truthfully I have but I'm scared shitless about the whole thing. Will he be happy he has a son? His bound to get angry with me. Could he forgive me? I do feel shit about about the whole thing and yea I know I did this but I generally thought I was doing the right thing. Now? Not so much. It's hard because four years ago I made this huge discission thinking I was doing best by everyone. Jax gets his dream and I wouldn't get the blame for keeping him from it but poor little Finley is loosing out. I haven't heard anything more about Decoy so until then I still don't know what to do. Jessica tries to talk to me about it but I don't know what I can say to her.
"I think I might buy a vibrator."
I was way in to deep with my thoughts that Tanya's shocking revelation made me choke on my
"Mummy?"
I shake my head clear of my Jax daydream and straighten myself up.
"Right OK. Lets go."
"Yessss! Lets go! Lets go!"
I laugh at my little rockstar as he runs out onto our drive jumping at the side of the car, doing his little excited dance.
*~*~*
I'm sat in the staff room at work with Tanya and she's talking about is the shopping trip. Apparently she took a look in her wardrobe, which I'm pretty sure is full because she's always shopping and thought there was nothing for her to wear. I don't believe that for a second.
"I just need fresh new clothes Kendal, there all from last summer and the year before that!"
I roll my eyes, I can just see her now chucking everything out of her wardrobe on a mad warpath.
"I need your advice on my new clothes. You know what your talking about when it comes to clothes."
I scoff, I do not. I get up, see to Finley and chuck whatever on that I fancy that particular day. No thought process into it.
"I don't plan my outfits Tanya, I'm in too much of a rush in the mornings."
"Yea well you have this I-don't-try-but-I-still-look-sexy-as-hell look going on."
I can't help it but I lean my head back and laugh out loud.
"Oh and by the way, no shopping for Finley. Just for you and I mean it."
"What! I have to. I feel guilty Tan and I have to get him something. Even a toy."
Tanya shakes her head and takes a big sip of her tea.
"No Kendal. You need to treat yourself, I've seen Finley's wardrobe, that boy has more clothes than me. He doesn't need anything else. This is a girls day out, where going to boutiques and shops for us."
I huff in irritation.
"Fine but if I see something don't blame me, you know I can't help myself."
I welcome the silence as I drink my tea while Tanya flicks through a magazine. My mind wonders to reading that article from the paper. That was ten days ago now, and the pain in my heart still feels the same as if I have just read it again. Everyone's cautious about what they say to me and it's pissing me off. I am a grown woman and there all treating me like a baby. I still haven't told Sophie who Finley's dad is yet, she hasn't seen Finley yet either. That's partly my fault because I'm still scared in case she recognizes who his dad is and the longer I leave it the worse it is to come clean. I feel terrible not telling her but it is a huge secret and even though I really like Sophie we have only known her for nearly three months. When I know more about this hole fan situation and we have known each other longer then I will tell her. But right now I love the fact Jessica can't grill me when were around Sophie. Ever since I told her about my change of mind about Jax she has been pressing me if I have thought about it more and truthfully I have but I'm scared shitless about the whole thing. Will he be happy he has a son? His bound to get angry with me. Could he forgive me? I do feel shit about about the whole thing and yea I know I did this but I generally thought I was doing the right thing. Now? Not so much. It's hard because four years ago I made this huge discission thinking I was doing best by everyone. Jax gets his dream and I wouldn't get the blame for keeping him from it but poor little Finley is loosing out. I haven't heard anything more about Decoy so until then I still don't know what to do. Jessica tries to talk to me about it but I don't know what I can say to her.
"I think I might buy a vibrator."
I was way in to deep with my thoughts that Tanya's shocking revelation made me choke on my
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