excuse myself and practically run to the bathroom so I don’t cause a scene while I get myself under control. I lock the door before I look at myself in the mirror and splash cold water on my face. My coughing stops, yet I continue staring at myself as if my reflection holds all the answers. Can I give myself to someone else? Scott isn’t just “anyone” - he was the love of my life before Tony. Who am I kidding? Scott is still the love of my life. But, I made promises to Tony; I’m committed to him and our life together. I have no reason to betray him. No reason other than I want Scott. I fix myself and head back out to my seat.
“Sorry about that. I thought you were with that Rivers girl?” Now it’s his turn to laugh.
“No. She’s just a very good friend, I promise. She knows all about you and how I feel about you.”
“All about me? What is there to tell?”
“There’s so much to tell. You’re my first and only love. Every girl I’ve been with has looked a little like you, but none of them could compare to you. Not even close because nobody else has your innocence that I love the most.” I feel my heart skip a beat. He pretty much did what I did to survive without him. I just happened to wind up being with the wrong crowd and destroying myself, and he ended up with fancy one night stands.
“Who was the girl you were yelling at when I called?”
He rubs his temples as if he’s nervous about telling me what he was up to. “She was just some girl I was sleeping with. I’m not with anyone, Grace.” I sigh with relief. Even though I’m married, I can see myself with him. This is bad in so many ways, but it’s the truth.
“Scott, when you left me, I tried to commit suicide twice and I starved myself,” I blurt out, unexpectedly changing the subject. Scott’s eyes open wide. He gets up and slides in next to me.
“Grace, why would you do that? Not for me Grace, no.” He shakes his head, and I can see the tears in his eyes. The waitress interrupts our special moment when she brings the check and takes our plates away. Scott pays for the bill and pulls me by the hand out of the booth and to his Range Rover.
“Get in, Grace.” I check my phone and am happy to realize I still have an hour and a half before I have to get Scottie from karate. I’m suddenly grateful that Scottie’s school offers karate as an after school program so I have more time to spend with Scott. I’m not ready to leave him yet.
We drive until we arrive at a park where we can sit in the car and talk privately. Scott turns and looks at me. “Grace, why would you try and kill yourself? How long ago was this?” I turn to look out the window because I don’t need him looking at me with that sad look.
“The first time was about five years ago. Tony found me on the ledge of a bridge, ready to jump off. The second time was a few years ago when I took too many sleeping pills. Once again, Tony found me and saved me.” I want to cry because Tony’s my protector, yet I’m in this car with Scott who’s the cause of my heartache. My life is one big, ironic puzzle, and I wonder if I’ll ever find all the pieces to put myself together.
“Grace…” I hear his voice crack when he says my name. I turn and look at him with the tears coming down his beautiful face. I wipe the tears from his cheeks.
“You don’t have to cry, Scott. I’m fine. Hell, I’m even better now that you’re here with me.”
“No, Grace, you’re not fine. You tried to kill yourself because of me. I’m the cause of your darkness, your heartache; I’m the pain in here…” He points at my heart. I pull him close to me and run my fingers through his hair as I let a few tears roll down my cheek. I’ll never tell him that he’s right - he is the cause of the turmoil that nearly ended my life because that truth will just hurt him too much. Despite everything he has put me through, I never want to see him suffer. I need to lighten up the mood
“Sorry about that. I thought you were with that Rivers girl?” Now it’s his turn to laugh.
“No. She’s just a very good friend, I promise. She knows all about you and how I feel about you.”
“All about me? What is there to tell?”
“There’s so much to tell. You’re my first and only love. Every girl I’ve been with has looked a little like you, but none of them could compare to you. Not even close because nobody else has your innocence that I love the most.” I feel my heart skip a beat. He pretty much did what I did to survive without him. I just happened to wind up being with the wrong crowd and destroying myself, and he ended up with fancy one night stands.
“Who was the girl you were yelling at when I called?”
He rubs his temples as if he’s nervous about telling me what he was up to. “She was just some girl I was sleeping with. I’m not with anyone, Grace.” I sigh with relief. Even though I’m married, I can see myself with him. This is bad in so many ways, but it’s the truth.
“Scott, when you left me, I tried to commit suicide twice and I starved myself,” I blurt out, unexpectedly changing the subject. Scott’s eyes open wide. He gets up and slides in next to me.
“Grace, why would you do that? Not for me Grace, no.” He shakes his head, and I can see the tears in his eyes. The waitress interrupts our special moment when she brings the check and takes our plates away. Scott pays for the bill and pulls me by the hand out of the booth and to his Range Rover.
“Get in, Grace.” I check my phone and am happy to realize I still have an hour and a half before I have to get Scottie from karate. I’m suddenly grateful that Scottie’s school offers karate as an after school program so I have more time to spend with Scott. I’m not ready to leave him yet.
We drive until we arrive at a park where we can sit in the car and talk privately. Scott turns and looks at me. “Grace, why would you try and kill yourself? How long ago was this?” I turn to look out the window because I don’t need him looking at me with that sad look.
“The first time was about five years ago. Tony found me on the ledge of a bridge, ready to jump off. The second time was a few years ago when I took too many sleeping pills. Once again, Tony found me and saved me.” I want to cry because Tony’s my protector, yet I’m in this car with Scott who’s the cause of my heartache. My life is one big, ironic puzzle, and I wonder if I’ll ever find all the pieces to put myself together.
“Grace…” I hear his voice crack when he says my name. I turn and look at him with the tears coming down his beautiful face. I wipe the tears from his cheeks.
“You don’t have to cry, Scott. I’m fine. Hell, I’m even better now that you’re here with me.”
“No, Grace, you’re not fine. You tried to kill yourself because of me. I’m the cause of your darkness, your heartache; I’m the pain in here…” He points at my heart. I pull him close to me and run my fingers through his hair as I let a few tears roll down my cheek. I’ll never tell him that he’s right - he is the cause of the turmoil that nearly ended my life because that truth will just hurt him too much. Despite everything he has put me through, I never want to see him suffer. I need to lighten up the mood
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